When the Desire for Romance & Relationship Makes Casual Connections Lackluster in Non-Monogamy
What do you do when you love sex but also love love and the desire for deeper connections starts to make casual dating boring.
Journal
Real stories from real people navigating the beautiful mess of non-monogamy. From first-date butterflies to jealousy spirals and everything in between—these writers are sharing their unfiltered journeys so you can learn, relate, and feel a little less alone in yours.
KINK
SELF CARE
New Relationship Energy Is Intoxicating. But What Are You Actually Chasing?
On self-worth, validation, and why non-monogamy will expose every crack in your foundation, whether you're ready or not.
KINK
The Confusing Conversations about 'Going with the Flow' in Polyamory & Non-Monogamy
Toxic positivity in our community invalidates difficult or hurtful experiences in casual connections instead of making space for them. Do we ALWAYS need to spea
RELATIONSHIPS
I Got Scabies. Here's What Non-Monogamy Taught Me About Sexual Health.
On sexual health, skin-to-skin reality, and the conversation worth having before you need to.
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You Knew EXACTLY What You Were Doing When You Led Me to Nowhere…
An essay about toxic situationships with childish men
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Loving in a Season (And Grieving When It Ends)
On the connections that mattered deeply, ended quietly, and never got a proper goodbye
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There Is Nothing Wrong With You
On villainizing yourself for who you are and finally, slowly, letting that go
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What To Do If Your Partner Is In A Toxic Relationship
A lot of polyamorous people will NOT like what I have to say about this, but…your partner is unfortunately allowed to make the choice to be in shitty, toxic, a
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Polyamory Isn’t Inherently Radical
I will die on this hill: polyamory is not an inherently radical practice, because it very much depends on the way you practice it.
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Not Every Polyamorous Community Is Safe
Ever joined a polyamorous “community” and then noticed a charismatic and very obvious ringleader everyone is trying to impress, and who can do no wrong?
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There Are No Relationships Without Commitment
SELF CARE
What To Actually Do When Jealousy Hits
A practical toolkit for the moments when your chest tightens and your brain goes offline
SELF CARE
If it hurts, that's not the way
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Lily Allen, Lindy West, And The Sensationalisation of “Bad Polyamory”
What do Lily Allen and Lindy West have in common? They're both women who have recently published works that led to the entire internet dunking on the polyamorou
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Want To Open Your Relationship? Be Prepared For Change.
When I say I don't recommend opening your relationship unless you are genuinely prepared for the relationship to change and potentially to end, this isn't becau
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Jealousy in Polyamory: Rain on the Parade
Something we don't talk enough about in polyamory is how there is this subtle pressure not to "rain on your partner's parade" - and that can lead some people to
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How Handling Jealousy in Polyamory Goes Wrong - And How To Avoid It
In polyamory (and relationships in general), with freedom comes responsibility. If you want to connect with multiple people, you also have to be prepared to sup
RELATIONSHIPS
5 Signs You Lack Emotional Awareness in Non-Monogamy
Let me tell you a secret: in my first non-monogamous relationship (which was 10 years ago now!), I did NOT handle my partner’s jealousy well at all 🫥
IDENTITY
Dating Separately vs. Dating Together
The psychological tradeoffs of two different dating styles
RELATIONSHIPS
Positive Polyamorous Representation in Movies and TV
‘Challengers’ was one of my favourite films of 2023, but don’t get it twisted - it is not a polyamorous love triangle. It is certainly a triangle (the homoeroti
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Compersion Isn’t The Opposite of Jealousy
Compersion is the feeling of empathetic, vicarious joy that some non-monogamous people feel when they see a partner being happy with someone else. It is not nec
RELATIONSHIPS
Your Partners Don’t Have To Be Friends
Is this a hot take? I don't think it should be... but in my opinion, if you think about it, only dating people who can be good friends with your pre-existing pa
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Your Partner’s Jealousy Is Not A Personal Attack
I don't know who needs to hear this, but your partner experiencing jealousy or insecurity over the things that you're doing with other people is NOT the same as
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Stop Disappointing Everyone in Polyamory
If you are polyamorous and looking for long-term connection: learn to be disciplined with your time and energy management, or risk disappointing multiple people
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Just Because It Feels Dangerous, That Doesn’t Always Mean It Is.
If you grew up being taught things like "Your partner loving someone else means they don't love you and you are deficient as a person", of course you would find
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What is Symbiosexuality?
Have you heard of the term “symbiosexual”? If you haven’t, I wouldn’t blame you - it’s a new microlabel that only emerged in the last year. Below I explain what
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Kink, Power Dynamics, and Society
I fundamentally disagree with the (unfortunately common) notion that kink reinforces power dynamics in society and is inherently problematic. Yes, we may not be
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Why Watching Your Partner Get Hit On Can Feel So Hot
When Someone Else’s Desire Brings You Closer
RELATIONSHIPS
How To Support A Jealous Partner
If your partner gets jealous and you don't, the absolute worst thing you can do when they're going through it is shame them for having their feelings.
RELATIONSHIPS
“Go At The Pace Of The Slowest Person” Is Bad Polyamory Advice
You’ve probably heard the phrase move at the pace of the slowest person when it comes to opening up a relationship. And I would agree with that with a “yes and…
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Emotions Running High? Here Are 5 Phrases To Defuse The Tension In Polyamory
When you're experiencing challenging emotions in polyamory, here are some phrases you can use to defuse the tension and stay in connection, rather than escalati
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The Worst Thing You Can Say To A Polyamorous Friend
If your first reaction to your friend telling you that they're struggling in their polyamorous relationship is “maybe you should just go back to monogamy”, you'
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Stop Suppressing Your Jealousy - Here’s How You Actually Deal With It
"How do I stop feeling jealous?" is the wrong question to ask. When we feel uncomfortable, it's natural to want the feeling to stop, but this can very easily sl
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Polyamory Doesn’t Mean Zero Boundaries.
Polyamory doesn’t mean you have to be okay with everything, nor does it mean you have to ‘work on’ being okay with everything. Being flexible can be a good thin
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Rejection Isn’t An Insult - It’s Respect.
I've noticed that people are more fearful of rejection (whether giving it or receiving it) than we used to be. Personally, I find it more insulting if someone l
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Stop Taking Things Personally In Polyamory
The best thing you can do for your non-monogamous journey is learn not to take things personally - especially when it comes to what your partner is doing with o
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Why Friendship Shouldn’t Be A Downgrade From A Relationship
Have you ever been told "let's just be friends" by someone you dated, and later found out that person had absolutely zero intentions of ever reaching out to you
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So Your First Open Relationship Failed…And That’s Okay.
Hey, so if your first open relationship crashed and burned, you know you can just…try again, right?
RELATIONSHIPS
Feelings Don’t Always Require Action
Your feelings of jealousy don't have to mean your partner needs to immediately stop what they are doing.
RELATIONSHIPS
Nuanced Non-Monogamy: Two Things Can Be True
I’m bringing the NUANCE, baby! Let’s try to hold more space for all the beautiful complexity of human relationships and think critically when engaging with cont
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Learn To Be Okay, With Not Being Okay (Yet)
If you find yourself thinking, “How am I not okay with this yet???” in your first year of trying out non-monogamy for the first time, my top advice is to just b
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Why Most Therapists Don’t Understand Polyamory
Most therapists aren't trained to be polyamory affirming, and that could be a huge roadblock to polyamorous people getting the mental health support and relatio
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So What If Your Feelings Are Irrational?
Having “irrational” feelings while adjusting to non-monogamy is okay and normal. However, your feelings still deserve to be treated with compassion and care, ev
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Is Your Partner Mismanaging Their New Relationship Energy (NRE)?
Your partner is responsible for managing their own feelings of New Relationship Energy, and if they are deprioritising or neglecting you in the process of chasi
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Mono-Poly Relationships Can Work - Here Are 5 Traits That Guarantee Long-Term Success
Mono-poly relationships are rare, but they can and do work - and, as with any relationship, it highly depends on the people involved. Here are the 5 traits that
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Can You Be ‘Too Traumatised’ For Polyamory?
One of the most common questions I get from polyamorous clients is, “Can you be too traumatised for polyamory?” The short answer: it’s up to you. The long answe
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The Night Non-Monogamy Becomes Real
What No One Tells You About Watching Your Partner Go on a First Date
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You’re Polyamorous, Not Superhuman.
Being “good at polyamory” is not about never feeling insecure/jealous or never making a mistake. It’s about communicating with your partners, being vulnerable,
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The One Thing No One Warned Me About Polyamorous Breakups
Breakups in polyamory are super wild because you feel like you've "failed" on multiple levels. Mononormativity tells us breakups=failure as it is, but the extra
RELATIONSHIPS
I’ve Been Non-Monogamous for 10 Years - Here’s Where It All Began
I’ve been non-monogamous for 10 whole years - and it all started in 2016 when I was still at school! I was 17 years old, and in my first open relationship with
RELATIONSHIPS
Having More Partners Doesn’t Mean You’re “Winning”
If your partner is swimming in dates/matches/partners while you're struggling to even get a text back on dating apps, it's likely you'll have some complicated f
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How I Did Gay Sex Wrong for YEARS
Having bad gay sex doesn't mean that you don't like girls.
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Love Without Sex: How to Transition To A Non-Sexual Relationship
Love and sex don't always have to coexist - the asexual and aromantic community know this all too well - but at the same time, not everyone is able to fully sep
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Intellectualising vs Internalising in Polyamorous Relationships
If you still feel jealous despite having done a ton of research about polyamory, the reason is simple: there's a world of difference between intellectualising a
RELATIONSHIPS
How Sibling Rivalries Can Influence Metamour Dynamics
I have a theory that if you are a polyamorous person who grew up with siblings, how you respond to your partner's other partners is directly linked to how you w
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20 Polyamorous Reminders So You Can Do It Right
1. Jealousy is just an emotion and it is nothing to be ashamed of. Stop feeling bad about feeling bad, when you could be taking the time to ask *why* you’re fee
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My Top 5 Red Flags in Polyamorous Relationships
1. Poor time and energy management Love is infinite, but time and energy are not. I date people who actually follow through on the things they promise, not thos
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The Truth about ‘Polyamory Under Duress’ (PUD)
The discourse around the term "polyamory under duress" is pissing me off, because people aren't approaching the conversation with enough nuance and real-world c
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Non-Monogamy Is Hard, Because Change Is Hard.
If you're doing non-monogamy for the first time, it means you are:
RELATIONSHIPS
Polyamory Doesn’t Mean You Have To Settle For Less
I don't know who needs to hear this, but polyamory doesn't mean you have to settle for less time, energy, and commitment. Your partner having other partners isn
RELATIONSHIPS
When The Familiar Feels Tempting
A follower asked me: “Any advice on how to stay true to your new path when the old ways are so tempting?”
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Stop Trying To Educate People Who Aren't Here To Learn
I think marginalised people are often saddled with the burden of educating people who hold more privilege. I think that's really unfair.
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Trauma-Informed Polyamory
We don't talk enough about the fact that just because your BRAIN logically wants and understands polyamory, it doesn't mean your BODY has caught up to the value
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Polyamory And Impulse Control
I don't know which polyamorous bisexual needs to hear this (I did!), but you do not have to date every single person that you're attracted to!
RELATIONSHIPS
Feeling Needed vs Wanted in Polyamory
Let's talk about feeling NEEDED vs feeling WANTED in polyamory.
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"Autonomy" Doesn't Mean What You Think
I think the polyamorous community has a huge problem with taking the concept of autonomy too far. To the point where some people just feel like they can do what
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Incompatibilty Doesn’t Make Someone A Bad Person
Someone's time/energy levels due to their other commitments and relationships could be completely understandable and explainable, AND the time/energy they have
RELATIONSHIPS
Jealousy isn't a Red Flag - It’s How You Deal With It
Jealousy is not a red flag. But you know what could be?
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4 Tips For Coming Out As Polyamorous
So you're thinking about coming out as polyamorous this holiday season. Here are four tips to help you with that.
RELATIONSHIPS
Picking Partners in Polyamory
You can be polyamorous and picky with who you choose as a partner.
RELATIONSHIPS
Feelings Don’t Always Require Action
Polyamory becomes so much easier when you realise and accept that it's okay to feel bad when difficult things are happening, but experiencing discomfort doesn't
RELATIONSHIPS
Navigating the Holidays While Polyamorous
Holidays can be a stressful time for many, especially if you're polyamorous and doing it with multiple partners. So here are a couple of things to think about i
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The Shame Series, Module 2
The Impact of Shame, Religion & Environment
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Tryna Push Through
While simultaneously feeling like, what for?
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It’s OK to Keep Things Casual
Not every casual connection needs to escalate to a romantic one.
RELATIONSHIPS
Parallel Polyamory Means Extra Hinge Responsibility
Parallel polyamory is valid AND unfortunately, many hinges underestimate what it means to be the person in the middle managing the dynamic.
RELATIONSHIPS
The Shame Series, Module 1
How Religion, Family & Society Programmed You to Feel Shame
RELATIONSHIPS
There Is No Universal Truth To Polyamory.
Non-monogamous relationships, like any other relationships, are nuanced. What works for one person may not work for another, and different people can make the s
RELATIONSHIPS
A Healthy Relationship can Still Have Conflict
A healthy relationship does not mean you never have any conflict. A healthy relationship is one where you can move through conflicts/differences in a productive
RELATIONSHIPS
Showing Deference vs Respect in Polyamory
Couple privilege can sometimes be enforced by the people outside of the couple without them realising it. There's a really big difference between showing respec
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Going Against The Grain
Figuring out what you've been taught that you should want and believe in, and distinguishing that from what you actually want and believe in, is hard.
RELATIONSHIPS
Casual Dating Is Not Polyamory
Here are some Do’s and Don’ts if your curious about Polyamory:
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Yes, I'm still Non-Monogamous
How to Stand in Your Truth When Talking About Non-Monogamy
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I Was More Jealous When I Was Monogamous
I find monogamy more jealousy-inducing than polyamory, because if my partner can only be with ONE person, then of course I'd be more worried about them leaving
RELATIONSHIPS
When Is Polyamory Just Not For You?
A follower asked me recently, "Under what circumstances would you tell someone that non-monogamy just isn't for them?". My answer: I would never tell someone di
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You and Your Metamour are Entitled to Your Boundaries
You are allowed to have a boundary where you won't date someone unless you get explicit confirmation from their other partner(s) that they're genuinely polyamor
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Polyamorous Holiday Survival Guide
The bottom line when it comes to surviving the holidays as a polyamorous person is:
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Being Attracted To Your Friends
Unpopular opinion: you can be platonic friends with people you find attractive without compromising the friendship.
RELATIONSHIPS
What my break from dating has taught me about non-monogamy
Non-monogamy doesn't look the same for everyone and that is the beauty of it
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Dating Newbies in Polyamory
If you are a more experienced polyamorous person dating a newbie, your responsibility is to give them the space to figure stuff out and try things at a reasonab
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How To ACTUALLY Deal With Couple Privilege
Not all couple privilege needs to be (or can be!) dismantled, because we live in a mononormative society where monogamy is presented as the "correct", "ethical"
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Are Polyamorous People Ugly? Well…You’re Missing the Point
I'm a polyamorous person and I make a lot of content about polyamory because that is my full time job. And every single day, I get people coming into my comment
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Polyamory And "The Other Woman"
Have you ever had a friend who got cheated on and instead of blaming their partner, they blamed the other woman? Or maybe they started dating someone who said “
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Polyamory and Grief
Non-monogamy can be a joyful experience, but for some people this joy is mixed with contradictory feelings of grief and loss, even if they are thriving and woul
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Maybe They’re Not Toxic - You Just Do Polyamory Differently
Someone's way of doing polyamory could be completely valid, AND it could be incompatible with your way of doing polyamory.
RELATIONSHIPS
For the “Cool Girls” in Polyamory
“I don’t want to be a burden, or too much for them…”“They’re telling me that how I feel is wrong…”“I’m scared they’ll leave if I tell them what I truly think…”
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Hierarchical Actions Speak Louder Than Non-Hierarchical Words
Someone saying they practice "non-hierarchical polyamory" doesn't necessarily mean they're safe. True safety is co-created through:
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'Couple Guilt' in Polyamory
If white people feel white guilt for their white privilege, then it follows that couples can feel couple guilt for their couple privilege.
RELATIONSHIPS
Being Polyamorous in a Monogamous Relationship
We don't talk enough about the fact that you can align with polyamorous values and enjoy the idea of polyamory, maybe even identify as polyamorous in your heart
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Polyamory Doesn’t Mean Lower Standards
Polyamory means you can have more fluidity and flexibility in your relationships and be more open to different types of connection, AND it's okay to have standa
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When Your Jealousy is 100% Rational
The polyamorous community is always telling folks to "work on their jealousy" and that's valid. But if a partner is actually deprioritising you, neglecting you,
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Hot Take: Kitchen Table Polyamory Can Be Toxic
If you’re like “hey, as a condition of dating me, you must be best friends with my long term partner, and if you aren't, then we can't date anymore” I think tha
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Hierarchical Polyamory Discourse Lacks Nuance
No matter what you feel about hierarchal polyamory, saying “hierarchy bad and you should feel bad" not only lacks nuance, but it is also not going to magically
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Polyamorous Bisexuals Aren’t “Bad Bisexuals”
It's Bisexuality Awareness Week - so be aware that I am proudly bi and polyamorous! 💕
RELATIONSHIPS
You Get To Decide Your Metamour Relationships
I've tried kitchen table polyamory. I've tried parallel polyamory. I highly recommend letting your connections form organically and letting your partners decide
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Polyamory and Privacy
Friendly reminder that you don't have to know every single detail of your partner's date with someone else to be a good and supportive polyamorous partner. Not
SELF CARE
Becoming a Parentless Adult: A Hidden Rite of Passage
Losing both parents shifts consciousness in unexpected ways. A reflection on radical self-responsibility and the initiation of becoming your own anchor.
RELATIONSHIPS
Unpacking Jealousy in Polyamory
If your struggling with jealousy it can be useful to do ask yourself some questions. When you’re no longer in an activated state, reflect on what happened:
RELATIONSHIPS
3 Pieces of Polyamory Advice - If I Wasn't Afraid of Hurting Your Feelings
I’ve been non-monogamous since 2016, and educating on it full-time since 2020. I’m not usually this direct, but based on what I’ve seen, here is my most brutall
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Polyamory Requires Effort. Duh.
Some people like the IDEA of polyamory more than the EFFORT it takes to actually maintain multiple relationships.
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9 Reminders For Polyamorous Breakups
1. Lots of people are going to say “I told you so” because they are biased to believe polyamory doesn’t work long term. Breakups happen for all kinds of reasons
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When You’re Jealous, Get Curious
Jealousy is not an inherently evil emotion, but a tool for self-improvement. Don't shy away from it, don't shame yourself from feeling it, but lean into feeling
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Polyamory and STIs
To people who go "polyamorous people must have so many STIs!" - when was the last time you got tested?
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Your First Year of Polyamory is NOT Your Destiny
If you find yourself thinking, “How am I not okay with this yet???” in your first year of trying out non-monogamy for the first time, my top advice is to just b
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In Polyamory, It’s Okay To Ask For More
Friendly reminder that it's okay to want more time with your partner or to ask for regular dates, and being polyamorous doesn't change that. You’re allowed to d
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Stop Glorifying Kitchen Table Polyamory
Non-monogamous relationships, like any other relationships, are nuanced. What works for one person may not work for another. Different people can make the same
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In Polyamory, Complacency Is Dangerous.
If you think you know everything there is to know about polyamory, spoiler alert: you definitely don't. You may not be making the same mistakes you did before,
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How Toxic Monogamy can Hurt Friendships
Have you ever been in a situation where you had a really good close friend. Then your friend got into a romantic relationship and then you started spending a lo
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Being a People Pleaser in Polyamory
We don't talk enough about the fact that exploring polyamory is so much harder when you have people pleasing tendencies. Does this sound like you?
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“Settling Down” When you’re Polyamorous
I’m 27 years old and have been actively non-monogamous since I was 17. When I was younger, a lot of people just assumed that I was casually dating and messing a
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5 Reasons Someone Might Be Kinky (That Have Nothing To Do With Trauma)
Kink is often pathologised as something that stems from trauma. In reality, there are many nuanced reasons why someone might be kinky. It doesn't mean they're '
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I Love You - So Let’s Break Up
Say your partner is pretending to be okay with polyamory. So whose responsibility is it to break up?
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Finding Your Own Way in Polyamory
There is no One True Way to polyamory. Believing there is one means you're falling into the same trap that you did in monogamy, where you're more focused on doi
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Double Standards In Polyamory
My ‘polyamorous’ ex once told me they didn’t like me sleeping with other people because I was a woman, but it was fine for him to do the same as a man. Double s
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Are You Ready For Polyamory?
The truth is that polyamory isn’t something to be glamorised or demonised - there are pros and cons to any relationship style. For me, polyamory is what works a
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How People Pleasing Happens In Polyamory
People pleasing is common in relationships, but is especially harmful in polyamory. If you struggle to say no, avoid hard conversations, or downplay your needs,
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Stop Falsely Advertising Polyamory Socials!
I have no problem with kink, fetish, and/or swinging events - I’ve attended a few myself! - and obviously, the groups overlap a lot. But please, if your event i
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My Thoughts On “Your Feelings Aren’t My Responsibility”
Your partner's emotions aren't your responsibility, but you should still consider their feelings when acting. That doesn't mean doing everything you can to avoi
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Polyamory Toolkit: Core Needs vs Bonus Needs
“Polyamory just means you have lower standards, right? Because one person can't meet all of your needs, so you just have shitty relationships across the board.”
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Why Age Verification Laws Aren’t About Child Protection
Did you ever tap a “yes, I’m over 18” button on sites as a child despite being under 18? Most of you will probably say yes. I’m not here to say that was right o
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You Don’t Need To Be In Love To Deserve Good Sex.
PSA: You can have sex without love without needing to sacrifice boundaries and respect. You deserve good sex even when you're not in a romantic relationship.
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Polyamory-Bashing In The Queer Community
Why do monogamous queer people make fun of polyamorous queer people?
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Jealousy and Compersion Are Not Mutually Exclusive
Jealousy and compersion can exist simultaneously. If you are in a long-term relationship and start dating someone new in polyamory, your existing partner may be
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4 Tips For A Successful Threesome
Having a threesome, but feeling left out.? Here's four things you can do to help.
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Are You ‘Bad at Polyamory’, Or Is Your Partner the Problem?
Maybe you're “bad at polyamory”. Or maybe, just maybe, you are in an unsupportive, incompatible relationship with a partner who is unwilling/unable to take acco
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In Polyamory, “Experience” Isn’t Everything
Just because someone has been polyamorous for a long time, it doesn't mean they're good at it. Similarly, just because someone is new to polyamory, it doesn't m
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Polyamorous Dating Can Be Exhausting - And That’s OK
Are you embracing polyamorous dating and feeling excited about all the love and connection I'm about to have in my life, but... realising that dating means meet
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Mirror Work, Part 2: Sensual Mirror Work
Sensual mirror work, as I like to call it, is the practice of using the mirror to create a loving mood.
SELF CARE
Mirror Work, Pt. 1 - Learning to Love What You See
What is your relationship with the mirror?
RELATIONSHIPS
Non-Hierarchy is an Ideal, not a Goal
I genuinely do not care whether you call yourself hierarchical or not. I care about what you’re actually saying, doing, and thinking.
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Casual Sex Is Not Inherently Exploitative
Casual sex is not inherently exploitative, and I am so done with the idea that if a man comes up to you and tells you that he wants sex with you but not a relat
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The Polyamorous Community’s Perfectionism Problem
The polyamorous community has a problem with holding itself to an impossible ethical standard, to the point where even genuine and honest mistakes (especially b
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Debunking 8 Common Polyamory Myths
A list of truly ridiculous and wrong, but unfortunately common, takes I’ve seen in the polyamorous community:
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Polyamory and Boundaries
Hard truth: no matter what you do, you actually have zero control over what anyone else thinks and does. You can make agreements that are aligned with your valu
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Are Your Boundaries Just Incompatible?
Is your partner a bad person, or are they just not for you?
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On The “Predatory Polyamorist” Stereotype
Newsflash: polyamorous people tend to date other polyamorous people, because why would anyone want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t accept the w
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Why I’m Sick and Tired of Hierarchy Discourse
Let’s talk about hierarchy. More importantly, let’s talk about HOW we talk about hierarchy…because some of you are missing the entire point.
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3 Tips For Polyamorous Breakups
So your partner is going through a breakup, what do you do? Here are three tips:
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A Breakup Isn’t Failure
Have you ever felt compelled to stay in a bad polyamorous relationship because you were afraid that if you broke up, people would invalidate your experience by
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Is My Relationship Agreement Hierarchical Or Not?
Instead of stressing about whether an agreement is “hierarchical” or “non-hierarchical”, ask yourself these questions instead:
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Polyamory and The Struggle Of Uncertainty
Do you get anxious when you think about trying something new or making a big change? That’s okay, most people do. And doing non-monogamy for the first time when
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You Don’t Have To Be Friends With Your Ex.
As a polyamorous person, I've sometimes run into situations where I COULD start or continue a friendship with someone, but I choose not to for a variety of reas
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Polyamory Won’t Save You From Misogyny
Hard truth: polyamory won’t save you from misogyny.
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Why Saying “Trans People Are The Best of Both Worlds” Is Problematic
Dear bi/pansexuals, I know you THINK you're being trans-affirming when you say things like "As a bi/pansexual, I love pre-op trans women because they've got the
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Are You Bad at Polyamory, Or…
Are you "bad at polyamory", or were you just not taught anything other than monogamy?
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You Are Bisexual and Polyamorous Enough.
Friendly reminder that bisexual polyamorous folks don't owe you a polycule with partners of different genders, and aren't “less bisexual" if they have multiple
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What is Symbiosexuality?
Symbiosexuality is a micro label for when someone is attracted to a couple's dynamic, not the two individual members of a couple, specifically their relationshi
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Don’t Date Just To Be In A Relationship
You should date someone because you want to be with them specifically. Not just because you want to be in a relationship (or multiple relationships). Good partn
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Navigating Non-Monogamy and Kink with Vanilla Partners
Kink can be a deeply touching experience. It can be exactly what you need, almost like a form of therapy. But what if one of your partners is vanilla? When I re
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I Don’t Care If Your Polyamorous Relationship is “Hierarchical” - Here’s What Actually Matters
I don't care whether you define your polyamorous relationship as hierarchical or not. What I want to know is:
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Your Partner May Date Differently From You - And That’s Okay.
“If my partner can get into bed with someone else so quickly, what does that mean about our sexual relationship?”
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Honesty in Relationships
A relationship built on honesty is not simply about being honest with each other, but also creating a safe space for your partner to be honest with you and have
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Stop Blaming Yoru Metamour For Partner Problems
I don't know who needs to hear this, but stop blaming your metamour for things that you should be taking up with your partner.
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Why A Man Having Female Friends Is A Green Flag, Actually
I will die on this hill: women who don't "allow" their boyfriends to be close friends with other women are ruining their own relationships.
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Polyamorous Men and The Chad-Cuck Dichotomy
The Chad-Cuck dichotomy describes the contradiction that is the polyamorous man. He is simultaneously perceived as a Chad for having multiple, usually female pa
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On Putting “Polyamorous” In Dating Profiles
A lot of people read "polyamorous" in a dating profile and think "single until I convince them to be monogamous for me". If you are partnered AND polyamorous, a
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Friendly Reminder: Polyamorous Lesbians Exist
“Polyamory is something that sex-crazed men made up to manipulate their girlfriends!"
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Stop Polyvangelising.
I am begging the polyvangelists to realise that polyamory is not the answer to all relationship issues, nor would the world be a better place if everyone was po
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6 Common Causes Of Jealousy
Feeling jealous? Here are 6 common causes of jealousy (based on 1000+ non-monogamous clients I've worked with since 2021):
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Sex Work is WORK!
Sex work is a job that demands high intelligence, motivation, and a business-oriented mind - stripping requires marketing/sales, OnlyFans girls need social medi
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Are You Dating a Polyamory Newbie?
Do not be your partner's only resource for information about polyamory If you're the person who's more experienced and they're a newbie. Not just because that c
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Responsibility vs Freedom in Polyamory
Polyamory gives you the freedom to form multiple relationships, but it does NOT mean you have freedom from accountability, communication, or consideration - in
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How To Tell If Your Friends Support Polyamory
Do your friends not support your polyamorous relationship? Here's how to tell. If your “friends”:
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Polyamorous People Do Not Need “Fixing”
If you believe I should "seek help for mental illness" because I'm polyamorous... How is me honouring my needs and boundaries by rejecting monogamy, developing
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Firefighters' Union Branch Seeks Rights for Polyamorous People
So apparently, Scottish firefighters support polyamory rights, and some people on the right are super mad about this.
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The True Meaning of ‘Freedom’ in Polyamory
People think polyamory means you can do whatever you want.
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Sex and Romance Can Be Separate
I don't know who needs to hear this, but you don't have to be in a romantic relationship with someone to negotiate a respectful, considerate, boundaried, and co
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Don’t Ask Your Monogamous Friends For Relationship Advice
Me asking a monogamous friend for advice about an issue in my relationship:
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On Making Polyamory “Your Entire Personality”
"I swear being polyamorous is your entire personality!"
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Being Friends With An Ex Can Be A Green Flag, Actually
Hot take: staying friends with an ex can be a sign of emotional intelligence.
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When Helping Can Come From Emotional Avoidance
If your partner is struggling emotionally, and your first instinct is to try to rescue them or fix the issue, stop and think: are you doing this because you act
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Why Banning Porn Won’t Protect Children
If you don't want kids to be learning about sex from porn, the solution isn't to ban porn. It’s to improve sex education in schools so they can distinguish ente
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Should You Compromise Or Break Up?
An uncomfortable truth: you simply cannot control your partner's desires, no matter how much they may upset you. A little compromise is healthy in all relations
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Polyamory Requires Compatibility, Not Just Chemistry
People seriously underestimate the amount of things that need to line up for a relationship to work. You may have chemistry, but no compatibility. Or you may lo
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Hinge Just Ruined It For Polyamorous People
Are you a @hinge user? Have you suddenly noticed a spike in attention from monogamous people you don’t want to match with as a non-monogamous person? That’s bec
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It’s Okay To Be Loudly Bisexual and Monogamous
The idea that one can't/shouldn't be loud and proud about being bisexual in a monogamous relationship without it being viewed as cheating comes from the harmful
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If You ‘Don’t Get Jealous’ in Polyamory, Read This.
If you are not a jealous person, just remember that that doesn't necessarily make you a better person. It just means that you got lucky.
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Why Polyamorous Relationships Are More Likely To Be Intentional Relationships
Polyamorous people can be just as immature as everyone else, but they are definitely much more likely to have put at least *some* thought into why they are prac
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Jealousy Doesn’t Make You Less Polyamorous
Some people think being jealous makes you "less polyamorous”.
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Is It Okay To Say “You’re Mine” in Polyamory?
Friendly reminder that it's okay to make possessive statements like "you're mine" and "you belong to me" with your partners as a polyamorous person, as long as
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Opening A Relationship Is Like Training For A Marathon
Opening your relationship is kind of like training for a marathon. It might not be super comfortable at first, but you need to do the work in order to get to th
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Your Metamour Is Not “The Other Woman”
The idea of "The Other Woman" also exists in polyamory. If you refuse to see your partner as capable of fault, it's VERY easy to blindly shift blame onto someon
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Why Discussing Polyamory In A Monogamous Relationship is not Cheating
If you think about it, saying “if my partner asks me for an open relationship, that's cheating" is not that dissimilar from saying “if my partner realises they'
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Stop Using Polyamory To ‘Quiet Quit’ Your Relationships
Are you using polyamory to quiet quit your relationship?
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Freedom In Polyamory Goes Both Ways
Intellectually, if you are dating multiple people, you should be okay with them also dating other people. Emotionally, having multiple partners feels very diffe
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Why Complacency Kills Relationships
Complacency is what I find kills most long term relationships. People thinking that just because you're in a relationship now, or just because you got a ring on
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You Will Never Know Everything About Polyamory.
Friendly reminder that being “experienced” in polyamory does not mean you are immune to or incapable of making mistakes, bad/toxic behaviour, jealousy/insecurit
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Not Every Long Term Relationship has To End in Marriage
Not everyone in a long-term relationship wants to get married. Just because I love someone, it doesn't mean I want to be legally and financially tied to them. I
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What is ‘Tolyamory'?
Tolyamory is a new term coined by Dan Savage last year, which refers to relationships that are, in principle, monogamous, but where the people involved turn a b
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You Might Be Using ‘Solo Polyamory’ Wrong
Stop saying you're doing "solo polyamory" when what you ACTUALLY mean is you date independently from your partner(s) - which is what most polyamorous people are
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7 Polyamory Opinions I Disagree With, And Why
Everyone is entitled to their opinion… but these are just a few I fundamentally disagree with.
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No, Polyamorous People Aren’t More Privileged
Friendly reminder: polyamorous people are FAR more likely to be queer and/or trans than the average monogamous population, and in general far more likely to be
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Why Attraction To Others Isn’t Cheating
Attraction to others while in a relationship is normal, expected, and not cheating in itself, and I'm tired of pretending it isn't a super common thing that hap
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Don’t Be A ‘Pick Me Polyamorist’
A ‘Pick Me’ is generally someone who belongs to a marginalised group but tries to appeal to more privileged groups at the expense of their own community. A good
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Love Is A Risk
“There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to m
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Proposing an Open Relationship Is Not Cheating
Proposing an open relationship to your partner is not cheating. You may be upset about it. It may not be what you want, and you'd be perfectly within your right
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11 Non-Monogamous Movies To Watch With Your Valentines
If you’re stuck on what to do for this season of love, my queer polyamorous film-loving ass has your back! I regularly review non-monogamy in the media for my s
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Being Polyamorous On Valentine’s Day: What Difference Does A Day Make?
Polyamorous Valentine's Day tip: at the end of the day, it is just a random date and a cute excuse to be extra affectionate. Focus less on when you're doing wha
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You Might Be Using ‘Metamour’ Wrong…
Some of you, I'm not naming names, are using the word ‘metamour’ wrong. metamour means your partner's partner. So your partner once removed effectively. So my b
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Why Do People Hate Polyamory?
Dr. Elisabeth Sheff calls this "the polyamorous possibility" - polyamorous people simply existing causes monogamous people to make the uncomfortable realisation
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The 2 Core Commitments of Successful Polyamory
There are two types of commitment you need for a polyamorous relationship to be sustainable and fulfilling for everyone involved:
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Polyamorous People Are Just Trying To Exist
Polyamorous people who are simply existing and minding their own business are NOT to blame if someone close to them realises they are also non-monogamous and th
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Why Monogamy Is An Instant Unmatch
I instantly unmatch when people tell me they're monogamous on dating apps. Even though “polyamorous” is literally the first word in my profile, I still get rand
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Polyamory Won’t Save Your Relationship
FYI: "Our relationship is sinking” is a terrible reason to open the relationship.
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You Don’t Have To Be “Visibly” Polyamorous
You do not have to have multiple partners at every single stage of your polyamorous journey.
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Shaming Your Partner’s Jealousy? Karma May Come For You!
Have you ever thought "Wow! I would NEVER get that upset/jealous if I was in your position!" only to get that upset/jealous when the situation is reversed?
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Are You Struggling With Polyamory, Or Change?
Are you actually struggling with polyamory, or are you just struggling with change?
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Dating Couples? Here Are 5 Red Flags To Watch Out For
"We want you to be our third, and also..."
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What If Polyamorous People ARE Ugly?
If you’re a polyamorous person who is online, chances are you’ve been called ugly regardless of your actual perceived level of attractiveness. Instead of respon
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Your Feelings Deserve To Be Heard
You deserve to express your hurt feelings about a situation, even if there is nothing that can be done to fix the situation. And you deserve people in your life
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How To Develop Confidence In Non-Monogamy
Developing confidence in a non-monogamous relationship means you have to move THROUGH challenges when they happen, not run away from them.
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“Why Don’t You Just Tell People To Leave?”
In my peer support sessions, the vast majority of my clients come to me because they’re experiencing some kind of problem in their relationship.
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Polyamorous People Aren’t Superhuman - We Just Do The Work
Jealousy is an emotion that most (if not all) people experience, and it's just about what you want to do with the emotion that distinguishes monogamous from non
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You Can’t ‘Make’ Someone Be Polyamorous
Polyamory isn't contagious; you don't 'make' someone non-monogamous just by existing around them. For many, the desire was already in them, waiting to be awaken
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Why Can’t I Do Polyamory For Love AND Sex?
Have you heard people tell you that polyamory is about love and not sex? Now, don’t get me wrong, I understand where these people are coming from – polyamory is
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What Bisexual Really Means - And No, It’s Not What You Think
PSA: the "bi" in "bisexual" does not mean "attraction to both men and women". It means "both homosexual and heterosexual" -attraction to your own gender and OTH
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Partners Don’t Just Exist To “Meet Needs”
“as a poly lady i get asked this a lot, but i truly do not understand the question "if you already have people who make you happy and fulfill your needs, why do
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Why Opening Up From Infidelity Is Harder
“My partner keeps cheating on me, so we're trying polyamory with the person he cheated on me with. Any thoughts?”
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It’s Fine To Fuck Your Friends
PSA: Having sex with your friends can be a mutually rewarding, fulfilling, and intimate bonding experience. With honest and vulnerable communication about inten
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My Journey to Overcoming Internalised Biphobia
In 2016, I started identifying as bi, and I have been dating across the gender spectrum since 2017. But, it took nearly a decade for me to develop security in m
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Monogamisery: The Tragedy Of The Miserable Monogamist
People who are secure in their monogamy are never threatened by the polyamorous possibility. The only monogamous people who feel the need to shit on polyamorous
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Check In Before Sharing Distressing Information
Checking in with someone before you share something that might be potentially distressing or require some emotional support/labour from them is not only a decen
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The Heartbreak of Polyamorous Holidays
Holding space for the polyamorous people this holiday season whose partners aren't/can't be out to family as polyamorous, or whose family only recognise their m
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“Casual” Can Be Anything But
When I refer to casual relationships, I refer to them in the colloquial sense of sexual, but not romantic. But those connections, for me, are anything but casua
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You Are Not At Fault For Clear Communication
When a monogamous person is upset that you, a polyamorous person, still don't want a monogamous relationship just because they caught feelings and suddenly don'
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Too Many Eggs For One Basket?
"You're only polyamorous because you're afraid to put all your eggs in one basket!" I'm not afraid to put all my eggs in one basket. I just don't think my eggs
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Unconditional Love Can be Problematic
Unpopular opinion: breaking up should always be an option - no matter how much you love them, no matter how long you've been together, and no matter what entang
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Just Because You Love Your Partner, It Doesn’t Mean Others Will
Hard truth: just because you like your partner, it doesn’t mean other people will. Don’t assume that just because someone is into you, that they will be into yo
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Stop Retreating To Monogamy For Safety
Retreating to monogamy whenever you experience a difficult emotion is not going to make you any better at navigating non-monogamy - it just makes you more scare
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I’m Agender Because I’m Autistic.
I'm agender because I'm too autistic to even think about gender as a concept. There are days when I literally don't feel human because of all the social rules t
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Don’t Date Beyond Your Capacity in Polyamory
Polyamory means that you can theoretically date as many people as you want to, but in reality you only have so much time on your hands. Every non-monogamous per
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Polyamory Haters Are Just Telling On Themselves
I don't care if people hate on me for being polyamorous. Because polyamory haters are just ignorant victims of mononormativity who are insecure that you make th
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Check In With Your Partners this Holiday Season
If you're spending time with family with one/some of your partners but not others (which sucks, but can happen for a wide variety of reasons), how are you showi
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Polyamorous Single People Don’t Get Taken Seriously
Me, polyamorous: "I'm single right now, but I want a polyamorous relationship, and you need to be okay with that to date me."
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Before You Blame Your Metamour, Hold Your Partner to Account
‘I don't feel the need to be territorial over my romantic and sexual partners because I don't perceive other women as a threat to my stability.
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You Might Be Using ‘Ambiamorous’ Wrong
Dating app life hack: not everyone who says they are "open to monogamy and non-monogamy" is actually ambiamorous. Most people who say they are open to both rela
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Its My 4 Year Page-iversary!
It’s been 4 years since I started this page 🎂 Let me re-introduce myself...
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Some Boundaries Aren’t Valid, Actually
Yes, you can technically set whatever boundaries you want in a relationship, and if your partner’s happy to respect them and no one’s getting hurt, then you do
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Is the Future Polyamorous?
“Do you think poly / open relationships is the direction we as a society are moving towards”
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We Shouldn't Have Fallen in Love - Part 1
Some things I recently learned about ENM, the hard way.
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Is the Bedroom Sacred?
Some musings on inviting other people into the bed I share with my partner.
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Dating Others to Get Closer
Yes, dating other people has brought me and my primary partner closer together!
IDENTITY
Weaponized Autonomy
You are absolutely entitled ALWAYS to decide for yourself what you want to say and do. You have FULL CONTROL over that. That's 100% true.
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Rejection is Rejection, even if you're Polyamorous.
You don't have to be single and monogamous to feel the sting of rejection.
FEATURED
You are not Bad, Maybe you're just Non-Monogamous.
My journey from guilt and shame into fully embracing how I love.
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Prioritizing a Partner is NOT Hierarchy
The inherent assumption is that the status of "highest priority" in hierarchical relationships will remain permanently and never ever waver, which is, for most,
SELF CARE
How I Changed My Love Hate Relationship with the Honeymoon Phase
How I learned to appreciate it for its beauty and embrace its inevitable transformation.
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Supporting my Primary Partner Through Heartbreak
Supporting a partner through heartbreak (over someone else) isn't always straightforward.
SELF CARE
Co-dependency is Killing your Relationship
Let's talk about co-dependency and how to avoid it.
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Finding Balance in Polyamory
If you don't yet know your limits of time, energy and resources, you're about to bump your head on the ceiling of those! So, what can you DO?
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Speaking Their Love Language: an Obligation or a Choice?
I wrote this in response to an online post which stated that learning a partner’s love language was never intended for you to feel obligated to fill their needs
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I Have Feelings
I have feelings. They are not easily hurt but they have been bruised too many times to count. They have learned to guard themselves. They have been taught that
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My Top 20 Tips for Great Group Sex
So, you’ve decided to dip your toes into group sex? OR you have before but are hoping to increase the odds of a positive experience? OR you just are curious AF?
SELF CARE
Why I Am Obsessed with Relationships
From shaving her head and hitchhiking across the US at 18, to reopening her heart to love. A personal story of isolation, healing, and the courage to connect.
IDENTITY
What’s Wrong with Unicorn Hunting?
NOTE: Unicorn hunting is when a couple seeks out another person, often a bi woman for a cis/het couple (M/F) to have a s-xual relationship with. The term most o
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Is Non-monogamy the Natural State for Humans?
Here's an exerpt: "I'm not here to write a paper debunking the theories of "Sex at Dawn". There's others who have done a much more thorough job of that than I.
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What DO You Do? A Chronicle of the Last Six Years
Don't get me wrong. Everything I did for my family, giving help where I could and the visits - it's all part of a life well lived - and what anyone would do, an
KINK
Being Ambiamorous: Part Poly, Part Mono
Usually one hears "I'm Ambiamorous because I can be HAPPY in either mono or poly relationships" - and bless them for having that experience. At first glance, th
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Let’s Talk Monogamy: Transcript of GB News Interview
Alex Phillips: Joining me now is Leanne, a non-monogamy educator and advocate. Leanne, picking up, I hope you heard what Katheryn was saying. She’s saying that
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7 Famous Polyamorists From History
Georgiana “Gee” Cavendish was an English duchess, gifted author, and women’s rights activist. She was well known for her unusual marital arrangement with Willia
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So You Want To Be A Unicorn: A Guide to Dating Polyamorous Couples
I've written about unicorn hunting in the past, but I realised that I've never made a resource for people who self-identified as unicorns. So, here is a guide f
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Polyamory, Jealousy, and the ‘Buffet Analogy’
When assessing whether your jealousy is healthy or toxic, I like to compare it to eating at a buffet.
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I’m Autistic and Polyamorous. Here’s Why It Works For Me.
April is Autism Awareness Month, so I thought I’d talk about what it’s like being autistic and polyamorous. I realised there weren’t a huge number of resources
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“You’re Polyamorous? What If Your Partner Leaves?”
“You’re polyamorous? Aren’t you afraid your partner will leave you?”
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No, Polyamory Is Not A ‘Solution’ To Cheating
I’ve been seeing a worrying trend on the internet recently, where people say that anyone who cheats in a monogamous relationship “should just be polyamorous”. W
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Where Are The Non-FFM Polyamorous Triads?
A common complaint I see on the internet when it comes to polyamory is, “Why is it always one man and two women?” While there are definitely many MMF/FMF, FFF,
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Let’s Talk About ‘Revenge Dating’ in Polyamory
I’ve come across a toxic phenomenon in the polyamory community which I would like to call “revenge dating”, which is when you date someone for the sole purpose
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Apologies Are For Other People, Not For You
A strange thing happened to me the other day. I received a notification of a new message request, and opened it to find a lengthy message from a girl who I was
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Emotional Libertarianism in Polyamory: Are We Responsible for Other People’s Feelings?
Emotional libertarianism, as defined by More Than Two, is “a belief that every individual is entirely responsible for his or her own emotional responses and tha
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What’s the Difference Between Polyamory, Polygamy, and Ethical Non-Monogamy?
Polyamory, polygamy, and ethical non-monogamy are conflated with each other all the time. This problem comes up quite often on my page and the Internet in gener
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Why You Should Disclose Polyamory in Your Dating Profiles
Dating apps are a raging hellscape as they are, but especially more so when you are polyamorous. Of the most commonly used dating apps, OKCupid is the only one
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What Compersion Feels Like
Compersion is best defined as sympathetic joy. Simply put, it is the joy you feel when someone you love or care about is happy, even if their positive experienc
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What Love Languages Do You Speak and Understand?
If you read a lot about relationships in general, you’ve probably already come across The Five Love Languages, first coined by Gary Chapman in his book. While I
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Slut-Shaming in the Polyamorous Community
One of the things that people in the polyamorous community love to talk about is how polyamory is not about sex, but about the loooove. I fully understand why t
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15 Common Red Flags in Polyamorous Relationships
EDIT JULY 2023: I was interviewed on the Sex & Psychology podcast about this article (a whole 2.5 years after writing it!) and you can hear an expansion of my o
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My Journey Into Polyamory
When I first started dating in 2015, I barely knew anything about relationships, let alone non-monogamous ones. Growing up in an Asian country meant that I had
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Why Unicorn Hunting Doesn’t Work
Imagine you met someone, A, and you became good friends. You got along great, had a lot of stuff in common, and you had a feeling that your friendship would las
