Why “No Feelings” Sets ENM Up for Failure

Many people begin exploring ethical non-monogamy as a means to expand their sexual horizons. You may want to explore new experiences with new partners - because you’ve recognized that being with one person for the rest of your life just isn’t going to work for you. And this is a wonderful reason to open up your relationship - but it also can lead to some rookie mistakes when you’re trying to create healthy agreements with your partner that set you up for success. One of the most common agreements that can set you up for potential failure is “No Feelings”. This happens when a couple agrees they are opening their relationship purely for casual encounters, which is a completely acceptable intention to agree to. The tricky part is when they agree that they won’t develop emotional connections or romantic feelings for new partners.

The reason why this sets up non-monogamy for failure is simple - you can’t control how you feel. You can, of course, try to put some boundaries in place to prevent closeness from happening - for example, not having repeat partners. But for many of us, one night stands aren’t satisfying. Plus, repeat encounters tend to make intimacy improve over time. Not to mention that sometimes we only meet someone once and already feel that instant chemical connection or “spark”. So here are three agreements I recommend you make instead.

Communication Agreements

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