Hierarchical Polyamory Discourse Lacks Nuance

Photo by Rufina Rusakova on Pexels

No matter what you feel about hierarchal polyamory, saying “hierarchy bad and you should feel bad" not only lacks nuance, but it is also not going to magically stop all hierarchical polyamorous people from doing whatever they're doing.

There are many reasons why people practice hierarchical polyamory, whether you like it or not. Shaming people about what they're doing is unlikely to motivate them to self-reflect and change. What's actually effective is approaching these topics with empathy and curiosity. You might be surprised at how different people define the term and what it actually looks like. I’ve met people who labelled themselves as hierarchical but did not practice polyamory in a way that I would personally define as such. I have also met “non-hierarchical” folks who are actually just practising sneaky hierarchy!

A while ago, I wrote a detailed post about why I'm moving away from using the word "hierarchy" and now I try to be more specific about what I mean - For example:

• Behaviour that disenfranchises others

• Couple privilege that goes unquestioned or is taken for granted without adequate communication of the consequences

• Actions/decisions made out of insecurity or fear

I'm less interested in what people are doing, and more interested in why - and I recommend you do the same.

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