The Confusing Conversations about 'Going with the Flow' in Polyamory & Non-Monogamy

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It can be really hard to process when someone has experienced something negatively that you view so positively within your own polyamory and non-monogamy journey, and the concept of going with the flow or casual non-monogamous connections with no expectation is definitely part of the Mount Rushmore of varying opinions; not only in alternative lifestyles, but in traditional relationships and dating in general.

Since becoming a relationship coach, I’ve had several conversations with clients, followers, and within the polyamory community about how much people love the freedom of going with the flow, not having expectations with a person, and enjoying casual sex without further discussion of the consistency around it or the intention behind it, etc., and I love that we are now in a space in time where people have the freedom to experience relation to other human beings in this way and enjoy the positive aspects of it; because there are definitely benefits to casual connections that I have even experienced myself.

At the same time, just as people have reached out to me championing casual interactions, or dating with no expectation, I have also had people reach out and clients book sessions to discuss the hurt and trauma they’ve experienced attempting this dating style. People who have realized they are demisexual, prefer more daily/consistent communication or realized they prefer more long-term romantic commitments that are strictly polyamorous and not just casually non-monogamous, because there IS a difference.

Of course, that is just par the course with a new lifestyles, some things are trial and error, and you might end up getting hurt in the process; there’s not necessarily anything we could all do about that, nor is that the fault of people who prefer casual connections. But where it gets a little more sinister is the false adaptation of casual connections as an excuse to access people in a way that you normally would not if you told them your true intentions, and that is a dark reality that is taking shape within our community that goes without discussion because when people try to bring it up, they’re often gaslit by individuals who have experienced the positives of casual dating.

What the positivity warriors don’t understand is by you championing the success of your casual connection in that moment you’re silencing, the stories of real people who were deceived by signing up for a specific casual agreement for fun but experienced disrespect, disregard, and in some extremely dark cases, neglect, assault and abuse instead.

This is the social equivalent of mentioning how much you love nachos and mac & cheese every time someone mentions they’re lactose intolerant. You don’t need to defend your casual connection and how great it is for you just because someone is sharing their negative experience with someone else in a casual connection that has nothing to do with you. You do not have to become the national representative of all casual connections because we’re not talking about positive casual connections in that scenario, we’re speaking about negativity, and unless you are experiencing negativity, you do not need to remind us that you are “in one of the good casual connections”. We are not taking that away from you in that moment, but unfortunately, comments like that are silencing survivors of harm who are trying to share their story - so by you forcing positivity in the wrong place at the wrong time, you’re actually taking away their voice in that moment, whether you intend to or not.

At the end of the day, I’m still a girl who sees the value in non-monogamy, which is why I still identify as polyamorous AND non-monogamous as well as ambiamorous. There will be times where I don’t want a long lasting committed life partner out of every connection and I just wanna have fun, but I want it to be respectful honest fun and some people are not using casual non-monogamy in a respectful honest way, they are using it to be abusive and dangerous to our community and that truth needs to be said.

I see the value in casual connections, and I also understand how beautiful it can be to go into something freely with no expectations with a person and watch it developed into something beautiful. I’ve experienced that in my personal life and it is beautiful; I would not change those experiences for the world. At the same time, it would go against my own moral compass, ethics and intellect to not hold space for the nuance that everyone DOES NOT have a positive experiences going with the flow. Me holding space for people to express that going with the flow did not work for them does not invalidate your positive experience with going with the flow. Two things can be true at once and that is why it is so important for us to remember nuance in our language because we are becoming too blanketed even in queer and alternative communities. We want everyone to thumbs up something and say, “YES! This is 100% the way” when in reality nothing is 100% for anyone and we need to be able to hold space in our minds for someone else not enjoying an experience as much as we did. We say we can on paper, but in action, we become appalled or shocked when someone says the way you prefer to date doesn’t work for them.

Some people instantly start going to a place of egotistical defense when no one is attacking their specific relationship nor how it was founded at all, they are simply stating a foundation like that would not work for them nor has it been safe for them in the past; and we need to hold space for those two things being true at once.

I’ve gained a lot of new followers lately on social media, so a lot of those people might not know that I champion being a hoe lol having a starting five, diversifying as a queer pansexual person trying kink and even lifestyle environments. I have several videos expressing how positive friends with benefits connections have been in my life.

Me stating that those aren’t always 100% safe for people does not negate even my own experiences. I didn’t go back and delete those videos or social media post just because I’m adding nuance to the conversation, I’m simply stating that two things can be true at once.

There’s a BIG elephant in the room that no one talks about when it comes to conversations like this, and it is the unchecked programming of binary, or hierarchical thinking in supposedly deconstructed polyamorous or non-monogamous folx. Truthfully, those who struggle to hold space for the ‘yes, and…’ or ‘but, also…’ conversations in life…

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