Rejection is Rejection, even if you're Polyamorous.

When my partner and I first opened up our relationship (about two years ago,) I had two rejection experiences back to back.

The first time, I had only been dating a guy for around three months when he told me he’d met someone else, and that he wanted to try being monogamous with her. Even though I had a primary partner and always knew in the back of my head that this was a very realistic possibility (that the people I date will eventually meet someone they want to be more serious with, especially if they are not polyamorous people themselves,) it still stung quite a bit. I found my mind flooded with questions like: “Am I not pretty enough?” “Does she have a nicer body than me?” etc. And I was shocked! Even though I could rationalize this rejection in my head, I felt very blue.

So, feeling a bit vulnerable but ready to jump back into the dating arena, I met another guy soon after and we started dating. We had a few weeks of romance and great sex and then, just like clockwork, he told me the same exact thing as guy #1. I couldn’t believe it. This was more rejection than I had faced in a long time and I was unaccustomed to how much it hurts. At the same time, I was also grappling with the fact that I was feeling rejected at all. It almost felt like I was upset with myself for feeling sad because 1: I hadn’t been dating these people for very long and 2: I had a long-term loving partner in my back pocket. So why did I deserve to be unhappy?

What I learned through these experiences is that rejection is rejection, no matter if you are single and looking for a monogamous relationship or polyamorous with multiple partners. Plus, feeling the pain of rejection is an important part of healing that prepares you for the next love you invite into your life. Fighting these feelings only makes the process longer.

I'm not going to lie, it took me a while to gain back my confidence after these experiences, but I got there eventually. But that is a story for another post!

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Struggling with rejection or emotional processing in your relationships? Working with an ENM-aware therapist or coach can provide valuable tools for building resilience and navigating the unique challenges of non-monogamous dating.

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