RELATIONSHIPS

Is the Bedroom Sacred?

Some musings on inviting other people into the bed I share with my partner.

JANUARY 5, 2024

There are lots of things about my non-monogamous relationship that shock my friends. But I would have to say that I get the most gasps from them when I tell them that Nile (my primary partner) and I sometimes have sex with other people in our shared bed.

And I get it. I think I (and a lot of us) grew up with the idea that the bed two people share is sacred. And I don’t necessarily disagree! But at the same time, I also don’t believe that having sex with another person in that bed pollutes its sacredness. I think that the idea that sex can dirty or defile anything (from a bedroom to a person,) is tied up in a lot of religious dogma. Dogma that I do not identify with.

That being said, I can understand how bringing other people into your shared bedroom can feel… well strange. I’m not going to lie, it can be a little weird for me! Not only is my room filled with Nile’s things but it also holds so many memories of us together, especially in our bed. So sometimes when I bring someone over, it takes a bit of time until it feels normal to see them in the sheets with me. After a bit of time, however, I have found that both my partners and I have been able to relax and share some very sweet moments there.

To clarify, Nile and I only invite other people into our bed when one of us is out of town (which means it is a somewhat rare occasion.) There have been a couple of instances in the past where I vacated the house so that Nile could bring someone home (because they didn’t have anywhere else to be intimate together,) but we recently decided that this felt a bit odd. This means that for now, we only bring people home when one of us has the place to ourselves. And this has been working well for us!

My biggest piece of advice for you (if you are interested in inviting others into your shared bed) would be to experiment with your partner. Only through trial and error can you figure out what feels best to you. You might find that it feels totally normal! Or you may decide that you want to keep intimacy with others strictly outside your shared home. Every conclusions is valid; none are wrong.

Circling back the beginning of this post, yes, I do think that the bedroom is sacred. But to me, all of my living spaces are sacred, and sharing these places with the people that I love only makes them more special.

Navigating boundaries and shared spaces in non-monogamy? An ENM-aware therapist or coach can help you and your partners create clear agreements that honor everyone's needs.

Is the Bedroom Sacred?

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