My Top 5 Red Flags in Polyamorous Relationships

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1. Poor time and energy management Love is infinite, but time and energy are not. I date people who actually follow through on the things they promise, not those who say nice things but have no awareness of their capacity. 

2. Blaming other partners for their own decisions If I’m dating someone who tells me things like “My partner MADE ME cancel on you, but I didn’t want to!” it’s a turnoff. It tells me they either don’t know how to set boundaries with their partner and advocate for their desires, or refuse to take ownership of the fact that they made a choice to care for their partner at my expense while bitching about them to me in the process. Neither option makes me feel safe or secure. 

3. Demanding that I must be friends with their other partner(s) I want to meet my metamours in my own time, and we get to decide what kind of relationship we want with each other, not our partner. Wanting your partners to respect each other’s relationship with you is fine, but you can’t force anyone to be friends. 

4. Saying I’m only “allowed” to date women but not men (or vice versa) Dating me as a bisexual person means accepting the wholeness of my bisexuality, not splitting it up into genders that feel more or less acceptable for you. If you’re not comfortable with me dating all genders, then don’t date me at all. 

5. Lack of self awareness If you’re not conscious of the ways that your actions are affecting others, or the reasons *why* you’re doing XYZ, you’re not for me as a partner. Being careless about the way you move in relationships is a recipe for disaster.

We're not entertaining any more of this in 2026! There are SO many more red flags that I could mention here, but a lot of them can be subsumed into "general lack of relational skills" which would be applicable to all relationships, not just non-monogamous ones. Also reminder that these red flags are personal to ME and may not be the same for YOU - feel free to come up with your own! What are your red flags? 🚩 

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Starting to date a polyamorous person? Our guides to what polyamory is and ethical non-monogamy cover the basics, and an ENM-aware therapist or coach can help you tell a red flag from a growing pain.

More red flags to know: Leanne's longer list of 15 common red flags in polyamorous relationships goes deeper, and her 5 red flags when a couple approaches you covers dating couples.

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