Avoiding Accountability

Taking accountability is hard. In a relational context, taking accountability means taking responsibility for your actions and the impact that they’ve had on yourselves and others, while accepting the consequences of said actions. Although it can be deeply uncomfortable, taking accountability fosters personal growth and positive change in those who do so. In the context of our relationships with others, taking accountability builds trust; when we’re able to specifically articulate what we did and how it impacted the other person, they can trust that we have a real understanding of the impact, and that we’ll work toward changing for the better.

One of the things I love about the work that I do is that each week, there’s a clear theme present in all of my conversations. This week’s theme, running not just through my professional life but also my personal life, has been taking accountability - how to do it, and why it’s so difficult. Before I get into that subject, however, I think it’s important to highlight what accountability isn’t. Many of us avoid accountability in small ways without realizing it, ultimately missing opportunities for growth while negatively impacting our relationships with others.

When we fail to take accountability, the people we’ve impacted can feel confused, dismissed, disempowered, and distrustful. Here are some of the most common ways we avoid accountability, even if we don’t realize it:

Blame-shifting: Redirecting responsibility back to the victim or a third party (including substances). Example: Someone states you said something to offend them, and you respond by saying “I didn’t mean it, I was drunk”.

Deflecting: Pointing the finger at another person for doing something similar or wrong. Example: You respond to accusation or concern by saying “well, you do that too!”.

Gaslighting: Lying about past events, denying the event happened, making the person question their memory or sanity. Example: You violated an agreement with your partner, and you respond by denying that the agreement was ever made.

Strawman Argument: Distorting the victim’s claim as much more extreme, or oversimplifying the claim. Example: Someone states you violated their consent by touching their butt without asking and you respond by saying “I can’t believe you’d accuse me of being an abuser”.

Playing the Victim: Turning the critique received into an attack on your own character to claim you are the one being mistreated. Example: Someone accuses you of violating their boundaries, and you respond by saying how triggered and hurt you are that they accused you of doing so, due to your own trauma of having your boundaries crossed.

Minimization: Downplaying the action as less important, framing it as “no big deal”, framing the mistake as common to make it seem less significant, making jokes about the incident. Example: You forget your partner’s birthday and when they express hurt feelings, you respond “it’s not like birthdays matter after 30 anyway” or by saying “Why are you making such a big deal about this?”

Defensiveness: Responding with justifications for your actions, downplaying the impact of them, or arguing against the evidence. Example: Someone raises a concern that the language you use is harmful to a specific community they are a part of, and you respond with an immediate disagreement, as opposed to listening or showing curiosity to learn more.

Why We Avoid Accountability

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