We Shouldn't Have Fallen in Love - Part 1

This page has been quiet for quite some time now. To be honest, every time I’ve sat down at my computer to write about what I’ve been going through, the words wouldn’t come. I was still too wrapped up in my own grief and confusion. I didn’t have the distance necessary to get clarity and the courage to share my thoughts.

Now that more time has passed, my fingers and brain seem to be connected again and I feel ready to open up about my experience. My hope (which is the hope will all of the pieces that I write here) is to shed light on the different ENM scenarios that are out there and to normalize different relationship constellations and experiences.

Long story short (as the title says) I fell in love with someone who I shouldn’t have. Okay, maybe this title is a little click-baity. It’s not that I shouldn’t have fallen for him, but more that he was not in a position to be dating someone practicing ENM of any kind. In other words, I feel in love with a monogamous person. And not just any monogamous person, but one that had been yearning for a primary partner (and had never had one) for years.

But why did I date them at all, you may ask? Well, first off, he was not completely upfront with me in the beginning about what he was looking for. But more importantly, it was because I ignored my inner voice.

Now, I think that listening to your intuition can be challenging, especially when you are faced with someone or something that you are really drawn to. I know we’ve all been there; in a relationship with someone who is not good for us but we just can’t seem to stop. It becomes almost an addictive experience. Hormones and NRE (new relationship energy) are not to be underestimated. The more time I spent with this person, the deeper I sunk into a hormonal haze that clouded my vision and dulled my inner warning system.

It felt incredibly good to be with him. We were in that new relationship time warp where the rules of physics don’t seem to apply anymore. When we were apart time dragged by like it was moving through molasses, evenings together would be over what felt like a blink of an eye.

Now, this wasn't the first time that I had fallen in love with someone new outside of my primary relationship. I was used to feeling infatuated with my other partners. Daydreaming about them and counting down the days till I saw them was something that I enjoyed and looked forward to. However, this time things felt very different and very ungrounded. Not only was I falling for this person harder and faster than I was used to, but he was the first person I'd dated who was unhappy with my non-monogamous relationship structure (and was very vocal about it).

The whole situation was a very potent mix of amazing moments of deep connection, words of affirmation like “I’ve waited my whole life for you” (which now I know was actually love bombing), and deep disappointment from him about our non-monogamous relationship. And to say the least, it greatly affected and confused me, making me question my primary relationship (one that was happy and full of love). I was getting completely lost and was ignoring all of my mental warning alarms that were screaming “Take caution! This is going to end badly! I even wrote down these apprehensions in my journal. In one entry from around this time period, I wrote:

“I feel lost and out of my element. I feel scared and like I know that people are going to get hurt in this situation, including myself.”

Despite these wise realizations, I continued to run, head first, towards the burning blaze of a situation that I was co-creating. And why? Because I was too wrapped up in the NRE and fantasy of the relationship. I was completely hooked.

As you can probably imagine, things did not get smoother from here. Stay tuned for Part 2 to hear the rest of the story.

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Struggling with complex emotions or relationship challenges? Working with an ENM-aware therapist or coach can help you navigate difficult situations and trust your intuition.

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