Stop Suppressing Your Jealousy - Here’s How You Actually Deal With It

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"How do I stop feeling jealous?" is the wrong question to ask. When we feel uncomfortable, it's natural to want the feeling to stop, but this can very easily slide into suppressing the emotions, which usually leads to them coming back with even more intensity later on. If you want to avoid this, here are some questions to ask instead: 

• “What do I need to stay present and move through these emotions until they pass?" 

• "What is this reminding me of, and how is this situation similar or different to my past experiences?" 

• "What reasonable requests can I ask for from those around me to support me through these feelings?" 

• "How can I stay compassionate and patient with myself, and gently care for my inner child?" 

• "How can I learn from these emotions rather than avoiding them?" 

Healthy polyamory isn't about never feeling jealousy. Rather, it's about learning to handle it in a healthy way. Be curious about what the uncomfortable feelings mean for you specifically, and actually deal with them instead of running from any discomfort. This is not an easy process, but facing this head-on will save you and your partner(s) a lot of time and stress. 

When you get better at handling your jealousy, you expand your window of tolerance, which means that distressing emotions will no longer completely destabilise you and your relationships. Jealousy goes from being this big scary thing, to a tool for recognising your needs, boundaries, and tender points. This is useful regardless of relationship style. 

Over time, you will learn to reshape your core beliefs around love and relationships away from scarcity and towards abundance, and slowly build security and confidence in your connections. Jealousy doesn't have to be a signifier of doom in polyamory - you just have to be willing to do the work, and you can start that work today 💛

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