On the Hyper-Sexualization of Sensuality

Last week I had the opportunity to “bottom” for an extremely talented and professional rigger, kink practitioner and photographer. When I was deciding what photos I wanted to post online, I noticed something very interesting; I started to hesitate. I wondered if the photos may be too provocative - were people going to see these photos and start assuming that something sexual was happening, and would they think posting them was “too much”?

Artist : https://www.instagram.com/revealed.by.light/

First, it’s interesting that this thought crossed my mind when I am also a gogo and pole dancer who regularly posts content that would be deemed “hyper-sexual” by the average person. But it’s a familiar feeling, because those were the very thoughts I had when I first started to post about the performances I was being hired for. Although the content I post may be sensual, I actually don’t consider what I post to be sexual at all. Because what many people who follow me do not know is that I have spent the last year of my life intentionally having the least sex I have ever had since I first began having it.

What’s the difference between sexuality and sensuality?

Sexuality refers to the way humans express themselves as sexual beings. Sensuality is our connection to our eight senses - sight, sound, smell, taste, touch, interoception, proprioception, and vestibular awareness. Sensuality connects us to our experience of our bodies, including our sexuality, often enhancing it. Yet, sensuality encompasses so much more than sex, and connecting with sensuality enhances every part of our daily lives.

As a dancer, connecting with your sensuality is paramount to the art form. It is no wonder that sensuality is often paired with sex - because sensuality enhances your creativity, and creativity enhances sex. I’m aware that when people see me perform or follow me on social media they almost always assume I must be having a lot of crazy sex. The ironic part is that I have spent almost an entire year de-centering sex and romance from my life completely. In that process, however, I have become more deeply connected to my sensuality than ever before. The creative energy I was once using for sex became the fuel that enhanced my performance as a dancer, and fueled the creation of my business. Sensuality is the birthplace of creativity.

Sensory Seeking Individuals and Sensuality

Something else that’s happened to me in the last year is receiving a diagnosis of ADHD at the age of 32, and beginning to learn more about neurodivergence and how it impacts me. I recently learned the term “sensory seeking”, which often co-occurs with ADHD. It’s a sensory processing difference where individuals crave intense sensory input to regulate their nervous systems. Some of the behaviors that accompany it that resonate with me include preferring messy play as a child, constantly moving, dancing, weight lifting, listening loud music, heavy walking, loud talking, constantly chewing gum, high pain tolerance, preference for deep pressure massage, enjoying the feeling of being tattooed, and a strong infinity for kink activities involving intense physical sensation.

Sensory seeking individuals benefit from having a strong connection with our sensuality, because our sensuality connects us to the input we crave to regulate our nervous systems. But the hyper-sexualization of sensual activities can separate us from pursuing activities that have the potential to be intensely therapeutic for us. Because what I found when I stopped prioritizing sex was that I almost became MORE “kinky”, by way of the connection to my sensuality.

Sensuality Without Sex

Last week, I spent several hours “bottoming” for a shibari rigger and sadist without any sex or romance involved. Some people might be surprised to learn that my platonic queer bestie was also in the room, watching us for the entirety of the experience. At one point I had no access to my arms, legs, or speech and she commented that it was the quietest she’s ever seen me. Of course we had a good laugh, but it was completely true. This was the most quiet my mind and body had ever been in my entire life.

Artist : https://www.instagram.com/revealed.by.light/

I’m starting to tear up as I write this because there is a bit of grief about what I didn’t know for so long. All of the things I was told made me weird or even shameful were actually a result of being neurodivergent. And if I could have embraced this years ago, I could have been feeling the peace I felt last week for all of this time. I feel sad for my younger self that I’ve been missing out on this, because it brought me a sense of calm beyond what any coping skill, medication or therapy has ever brought me before. Before that experience, I honestly did not think I was ever capable of feeling that type of peace.

Hyper-sexualization of people and activities without their consent can be quite harmful. Women who are outwardly sensual are usually blamed when they are victimized. It’s something I know too well - because being so outwardly sensual for as long as I can remember has led to emotional abuse and violence from others in many different contexts throughout my life. It also led to a deep internalization of these experiences, leading to low self esteem, depression, confusion and shame.

With that said, I’m asking whoever is reading this to start to challenge the hyper-sexualization of sensuality. If we were to begin to recognize our sensuality as something completely separate from our sexuality, I think we would all have more regulated nervous systems - ultimately making the world a much better place for everyone.

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