Supporting my Primary Partner Through Heartbreak

All my life, I have been someone that friends and family come to when they are in need of emotional support, or just a good talk. Similarly, I have never found it difficult to console a partner in their sad emotions (I even find it easy sometimes). I consider giving love to be my superpower and I enjoy the process!

That being said, I recently found myself in new and uncharted waters: I was trying to console my primary partner through his breakup with another woman. I kind of assumed that being there for him during a breakup would be easier than watching him fall in love with someone else. “At least there’s nothing to be jealous about”, I thought.

But what I discovered is that it can actually be a difficult and confusing experience. All of a sudden there was an ocean between us, and I was desperately searching for a way to bridge the gap. Here are the lessons that I learned in the process:

Patience and Space

Supporting a loved one through a breakup requires immense compassion and understanding. Having patience is essential. It’s important to remember that emotional healing doesn't adhere to a strict timeline, and each individual navigates heartbreak in their unique way.

It's equally crucial to offer space, allowing them to process their feelings without feeling pressured or overwhelmed. This can be tricky sometimes, especially if you live together. I’ve found that choosing to take myself out of the house or spending time in different parts of the house has been helpful. For example, my partner likes to process his feelings through playing music, so when I hear him playing guitar I will intentionally not interrupt. Sometimes, the mere act of knowing you're there, holding space for them, is all they need in the moment.

Let Someone Else Support

In relationships, especially those of a polyamorous nature, it's essential to recognize that emotional care can come from various sources (this is why we love non-monogamy!). While it's natural for us primary partners to desire being the primary pillar of strength, at times the best support is allowing others to step in. Sometimes letting a friend, another partner, or a family member support your partner can actually be the best way to help them. This is not a sign of inadequacy or distance but rather an acknowledgment that there are others who may be able to provide your parter what they need. At some point, I started to feel saturated with talking about my partner’s break up, which led to feelings of annoyance (that I didn’t always express well). I was coming off sharp and short, which as you can guess, didn’t help speed up his healing process. In order to take some of the pressure off me, he suggested turning to other friends for support. Once he started to lean on others I felt a sense of space open up, and from that place I was able to choose when I wanted to process his feelings with him. Overall this helped me soften to his experience and gave me the room to decide when and how I showed up for him.

Let Go of Time Expectations

Okay, here I make a little confession: Even though I wrote above that patience is important, I can be extremely impatient sometimes! And while we (I included) might be tempted to set expectations or hope for quick resolutions, it's essential to understand that healing doesn't operate on a fixed calendar. Some wounds may seem to mend swiftly, only to reopen unexpectedly, while others might take a seemingly interminable period to show even the slightest improvement.

Just as every relationship is unique, so too is every healing process. Setting time-bound expectations can unintentionally exert pressure on your partner, making them feel hurried or invalidated in their feelings. And Ironically, this can actually make the healing process take LONGER. So, if possible, let go of any expectations you may have about how long their process should take and instead be with what is.

Don’t Forget to Care for Yourself

While supporting a partner through their healing process is a noble and compassionate endeavor, it's equally crucial to remember the age-old adage: you cannot pour from an empty cup. In the midst of offering solace, understanding, and patience, don't forget to attend to your own emotional, physical, and sexual needs.

Why sexual you may ask? I have found that sometimes when people are dealing with sad emotions, their libido can decline (or there can just be more intimate distance between you two). If this is the case with your partner, make sure that you are seeing to your own sexual needs. This can be through self-pleasure but it can also be with another partner. You may feel guilty about being intimate with other partners while your primary has just lost one of theirs, but try not to let that stop you from giving yourself what you need. Of course be sensitive around the topic and communicate openly and honestly with your primary about their needs and boundaries as well.

Prioritizing self-care isn’t a sign of selfishness, but rather an acknowledgment that maintaining your own well-being is foundational to the overall health of the relationship. By ensuring you’re nourished - emotionally, mentally, and sexually - you'll be in a better position to provide genuine support, which will benefit both you and your partner.

I hope that this article can help shed some light on the tools that I have found helpful in supporting my partner through his heartbreak. As I am still learning and growing, this list will most likely grown and shift as time goes on!

All my love,

Savita

---

Need additional support navigating complex emotions in non-monogamy? Consider working with an ENM-aware therapist or coach who can help you and your partners develop healthy communication patterns.

.

Comments

Join the conversation — create a free account to comment.

Join the conversation

Loading comments…