How I Changed My Love Hate Relationship with the Honeymoon Phase

I think the honeymoon phase is something that everyone looks forward to (or at least I definitely do). I mean, there’s not much better than feeling butterflies in your stomach when you see someone and spending hours and hours daydreaming about everything, from the curve of their face to the last beautiful night you spent together (and stayed up until 5am talking about everything under the sun). I firmly believe that falling in love with someone is the best recreational drug out there.

But as a non-monogamous person living in a monogamy-centric world, I always saw the honeymoon phase as two things: something truly amazing that I could get lost in and something that, once it ended, would drop me back into the cycle of lusting after people that I wasn't supposed to. And this is how my dysfunctional relationship with the honeymoon phase began.

It was as if I was chasing after a high that would never last and once things got boring I would move on to the next person (sometimes before I had ended things with my current partner).

Part of my problem was the fact that I equated love with the honeymoon phase, which wasn’t completely my fault. Every movie I’d ever seen or book I’d ever read put all the emphasis of love on the beginning, but never the middle. Because of this, I thought that once the shining new relationship energy was gone, that meant that I was no longer supposed to be with the person. What I didn’t know is that the middle of a relationship is just as juicy as the beginning, just in a different way.

It wasn't until I was in my current non-monogamous relationship that I finally started to unpack my attachment to the honeymoon phase. At first, I found myself playing the same games I used to. When I'd first start dating someone new I would be so overwhelmed by my feelings that I would wonder "Is this the person I'm supposed to be with?" My mind was still working under a monogamous paradigm. These thoughts would make me nervous that maybe my current partner and I weren't meant for each other, that maybe I should give it all up for this new person.

Luckily, I never let these ideas convince me to jump ship. What I’ve learned through this experience is this: The honeymoon phase is a wonderful magical time in a relationship, but no matter how amazing the person is, it always fades. Once the haze is gone you realize that you are with just another human, complete with all their flaws. And the kicker is - their flaws might be harder for you to accept than the flaws of your current partner!

This has shown me how to appreciate my partner and all his flaws. Because even though it may not be sparkles all the time, I love him deeply and accept him for who he is (the good, the difficult, and everything in between).

Now I welcome the honeymoon phase with my new lovers. I bask in the glow of it but I no longer dread the moment when it wilts. I see it for what it truly is and am able to accept the inevitable transformation that it will take in the future.

xx

Savita

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Struggling with relationship patterns or new relationship energy? Consider working with an ENM-aware therapist or coach who can help you develop healthy frameworks for navigating multiple connections.

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