For the “Cool Girls” in Polyamory

Photo by Gianne Karla Tolentino on Pexels

“I don’t want to be a burden, or too much for them…”
“They’re telling me that how I feel is wrong…”
“I’m scared they’ll leave if I tell them what I truly think…”

Stop acting like you’re chill with something, if you’re not actually chill with something!

In polyamorous relationships, I see so many people in my peer support sessions pretending to be okay with things because they feel like they should, and any negative emotions or insecurity are treated as an inconvenience in their relationships. They then feel isolated and broken, literally for being human. It truly breaks my heart.

You're allowed to have boundaries. You're allowed to not be okay with certain things, and you don't have to budge on those things if you don't want to. Just because someone else is okay with something doesn't mean you have to be.

If you don't express that you're uncomfortable with something or what you need from someone, they're not going to be able to read your mind. They're not going to know what you want and how you feel. Being honest about your feelings, even if it creates an uncomfortable conversation, is necessary for connection and vulnerability. You're giving your partner the tools to support you, and you're also ensuring that your partner is a good match for your needs.

If you’re constantly performing nonchalance to avoid conflict with your partner, then they never get to see and support the real you. Your vulnerability is not a burden, but a gift - and a partner who doesn’t see it that way is not going to be someone you can ever feel safe with.

So stop trying to act cool if that is not congruent with your genuine emotions, because you're doing yourself a disservice. You deserve to be your realest true self in a relationship, and if your partner doesn't like that, they are not the partner for you.

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