Dating Others to Get Closer

I think one of the fears that many people (myself included) first have when considering a non-monogamous relationship is that of falling in love with someone else and, in turn, falling out of love with their primary partner.

I totally get this fear! When you first start dating someone there are so many hormones and new relationship energies flooding your brain that the whole thing can feel like a straight-up drug (my favorite drug). One starts to wonder: How can a long-term, sometimes long-standing, relationship compare with the exhilarating (and sometimes addictive) quality of a new lover?

Well, I’m here to tell you that, at least in my experience, dating others has actually brought me and my primary partner (I’m going to call him Nile from here on out). closer together. Let me tell you why.

First of all, in my previous relationships, I always felt like I had to hide my desire to be intimate with others. This secrecy and guilt ultimately put a lot of distance between me and my partners. I was concealing a big part of who I was from them, and at the same time was not being true to myself about my needs. Being with someone who fully accepts (and even celebrates) my intimacy needs has built a strong and honest bond between the two of us. This means that every time I go on a date with someone else, I feel a huge amount of gratitude for Nile, and I come home genuinely excited to see him.

Secondly, getting hot and steamy with other people actually invigorates our sex life! We all know that once you’ve been with a person for some time, sex can get a little repetitive and dare I say even boring. And while there are ways to keep things fresh and interesting without adding more people in the mix, I’ve found that having fun sexcapades with others positively impacts my sex life at home (and gives me and Nile new ideas for positions, role-playing, and more).

The last thing I will touch on is the fact that every time I go on a date or spend the night with one of my lovers, I come back with a deeper appreciation for Nile (it sounds cheesy but it’s true.) While you may fear that falling in love with someone else will make you fall out of love with your partner, I think (if your partnership is healthy) that it does the complete opposite! Rather than distancing me from Nile, forming connections with new people actually strengthens my bond with him. When I engage with someone new, flaws and all, it serves as a reminder of Nile's qualities and gifts, reminding me why I have chosen to live my life alongside him.

So, even though the idea of loving others to enhance your love for your partner might seem counterintuitive, it has truly transformed my perspective. It has also reinforced my belief that love is abundant, and the more we welcome it into our lives, the more it manifests itself, often in the most unexpected and delightful ways.

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Ready to explore non-monogamous dating? Check out our guide to the best apps and communities for ENM folks to find like-minded people who understand your relationship style.

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