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What is 'Tolyamory'?

Tolyamory is a new term coined by Dan Savage last year, which refers to relationships that are, in principle, monogamous, but where the people involved turn a b

✦ BY LEANNE YAU

FEBRUARY 24, 2025

Photo by Zulfugar Karimov on Pexels

Tolyamory is a term coined by sex-advice columnist Dan Savage to describe a relationship that is nominally monogamous but where both partners are tacitly aware that infidelity is happening — and neither person says anything about it. Rather than openly negotiating a non-monogamous structure, each person simply tolerates the situation in silence. The word blends "tolerate" with "-amory" (love), and it sits in an uncomfortable grey zone that is definitionally different from ethical non-monogamy, which requires active, ongoing consent from everyone involved.

Tolyamory is a new term coined by Dan Savage last year, which refers to relationships that are, in principle, monogamous, but where the people involved turn a blind eye to each other's infidelity. They know it's happening, but they just want to keep up appearances. They tolerate it. Hence tolyamory.

This is different from polyamory, which involves open communication and consent, and it's also different from a Don't Ask Don't Tell, arrangement where people explain people explicitly agree that they are non monogamous, they just don't want to know about it. Tolyamory is a situation that is only created through zero communication. I don't love the implication that it's being lumped in with polyamory, but let me know what you think.

Do you know anyone in a tolyamorous relationship? What do you think of this term coined by @dansavage?

Tolyamory vs Poly Under Duress

"Tolyamory" and "poly under duress" describe the same dynamic from two different angles.

Tolyamory is Savage's coinage: punchy, memorable, built for a mainstream audience. It centres the tolerance — the passive acceptance of a situation no one dares name out loud.

Poly under duress is the term more commonly used inside ENM and polyamorous communities, and it carries a slightly different emotional weight. It describes someone who is effectively non-monogamous — their partner has other relationships — but who never genuinely chose that. They agreed to an open arrangement because the alternative felt worse: losing the relationship entirely. There's no authentic consent, just resignation. The "duress" framing makes explicit that one partner is not freely choosing this lifestyle — they're enduring it.

Both terms point to the same structural problem: a relationship where the terms were never honestly negotiated. That's the sharpest line between tolyamory/poly under duress and genuine ethical non-monogamy. ENM requires active, ongoing, enthusiastic consent from everyone involved. If you're tolerating a situation rather than choosing it, that's worth examining — working with an ENM-aware therapist or coach can help you figure out what you actually want and whether you're in a dynamic that serves you.

Frequently Asked Questions

What does tolyamory mean?

Tolyamory describes a nominally monogamous relationship where both partners are aware that infidelity is happening but choose to say nothing about it. The word was coined by Dan Savage and combines "tolerate" with "-amory" (love). Unlike open relationships, tolyamory involves no explicit agreement — it is defined entirely by the absence of honest communication.

What is poly under duress?

Poly under duress is a term used in ENM communities to describe a situation where one partner is effectively living in a non-monogamous arrangement, but only because they felt pressured into accepting it rather than freely choosing it. The person under duress may fear that saying no means losing the relationship, so they comply without real consent. It is sometimes called "coerced polyamory." Both "poly under duress" and "tolyamory" name the same pattern; the former is more common in community discussions, the latter in mainstream media.

What is the difference between tolyamory and polyamory?

Polyamory is built on open communication, informed consent, and the free choice of everyone involved to have multiple loving relationships. Tolyamory has none of these things: it is the product of silence, not agreement. People in tolyamorous relationships haven't negotiated anything; they've simply stopped questioning a situation they'd prefer didn't exist. One is a chosen relationship structure; the other is an arrangement that emerged from avoidance.

What is the difference between tolyamory and DADT (don't ask don't tell)?

A DADT (don't ask, don't tell) arrangement is an explicitly negotiated agreement. Both partners consciously decide they are non-monogamous and agree that they'd rather not hear the details of each other's outside connections. It is a form of ethical non-monogamy — imperfect by many people's standards, but grounded in a deliberate, mutual choice. Tolyamory, by contrast, involves no explicit agreement at all. The "arrangement" exists only because neither person has had the conversation. DADT is a structure both people opted into; tolyamory is a situation both people opted to ignore.

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