Some Thoughts on Jealousy

I think jealousy is one of the main things that scare people away from non-monogamy. And it's understandable; jealousy is uncomfortable. It forces us to face all of our biggest fears and insecurities, especially the ones that we really don't want to look at. That's why I think it's so important to talk about it.

The thing is, one of the most beautiful (in my opinion) parts about engaging in non-monogamy is exactly this: It gives us the opportunity to engage with our insecurities and question the narratives that we hold to be true. It also offers us the chance to liberate ourselves from all of the societal conditioning that we grow up being spoon-fed.

Now, that doesn’t mean it’s easy - at all. I can attest to this fact because I recently had my first big encounter with romantic jealousy (or at least the most significant in my life so far.)

I used to think that I didn’t get jealous and to be fully honest, I took (way too much) pride in this idea. Whenever my partner would express feelings of jealousy I would point out just how extremely chill I was and ask him “Why can’t you be more relaxed about this like me?” Looking back I realize that this is NOT the way to respond to someone sharing their insecurities with you.

Flash forward to a few months ago, my partner started dating someone he really liked, which had never really happened before. All of a sudden I was filled with so many mental and bodily sensations! My stomach was in knots, my mind was full of worry, and I found myself making excuses for why this girl wasn’t worth his time. I judged her age, her words, her actions, anything I could get ahold of. All the while I was completely and utterly unable to say the words that were truest: I’m jealous of her.

In the midst of all of this, I also placed a lot of judgment and distrust in my partner, which ultimately hurt both of us a lot. The more I pushed the more he withdrew, until the topic of this girl was like a landmine that neither of us was good at navigating. We always came out of our discussions bruised and troubled.

Then, one day I did the scary and ego-deflating thing, I confessed my jealousy. I offered up my insecurities on a silver platter for him to see. And his response? Love. When he no longer felt that I was attacking him and his character he was able to soften. Plus, jealousy and feelings of inadequacy were things that he could relate to.

I won't lie, I'm still jealous of her sometimes. But now, when I feel that jealousy, instead of throwing it onto him, I take responsibility for it as my own. There is nothing wrong with her, or with him, or with me for that matter. And that - reminding myself of the humanness of us all - helps quiet my mind, rooting me in truth.

So, I guess, even though jealousy can be uncomfortable and vulnerable, facing it and accepting it is the only way to help it move through - and keep on loving others.

Related reading: Learn more about why Jealousy Isn't the Problem, Silence Is, and explore how to cultivate Finding Joy in Your Partner's Joy as you process these emotions.

---

Need support navigating jealousy? An ENM-aware therapist or coach can help you develop tools to process difficult emotions and communicate them effectively with your partners.

Comments

Join the conversation — create a free account to comment.

Join the conversation

Loading comments…