Reflections From My First EXXXOTICA

My apologies in advance to all of my subscribers - as I have been seriously slacking on keeping up with my Substack. Most of it, admittedly, was due to all the preparation - and OVER preparation - that I was doing for EXXXOTICA.

I had an idea of what to expect at the conference, but in reality, I really didn’t know what it was going to be like. When I applied to be a seminar speaker I thought, as both a new business owner and an EXXXOTICA first timer, there was no way they would pick me. So of course I was in shock when I got the call - especially when the seminar coordinator thanked me for all that I do, telling me how needed I am at the convention. And after attending - I definitely get it.

There is very little programming related to navigating non-monogamy at the convention. I was stationed in the “CouplesX Lifestyle Experience”, where I ended up being the lone representative of the “Unicorn” experience, as well as the younger generation within the lifestyle. I was also the only person presenting seminars about the lifestyle with my level of education and training. There was a lot of representation of where to go if you want to explore - but not necessarily how to do it in way that’ll make your relationship last.

So what affirmed that I’ve been needed in the CouplesX Lifestyle Experience? It wasn’t just ONE BIG THING, but an array of little things…

• FMF, FFM, MFM being mentioned as threesome options - but no MMF (bisexual male erasure)

• Lack of education on consent (Saying, “It’s just etiquette to ask first” with no follow up)

• Toxic conversations about jealousy (“you’re either secure or you’re not” or “it’s a waste of time”)

• Talking about “rules” rather than “boundaries” and “agreements” (anyone who has heard me talk about this knows it drives me nuts)

• Amazement at the concept that a “unicorn” has less power in the dynamic with a couple, and has a separate relationship with each member of a couple

• Confused reactions when explaining that you can be BOTH poly AND lifestyle - and still respect your lifestyle friends’ relationship structures

• The number of seminar attendees who have hit on me (Hello..can someone say “boundaries”?)

On the other hand, I was also overwhelmed by all of the healthy examples of non-monogamy I was seeing around me - like the HUGE presence of “hot wife” couples (a man celebrating his partner’s pleasure is a BIG green flag), and the representation of lifestyle veterans who have continued to have long, healthy relationships with both friends and romantic partners. I felt right at home, as I realized that it wasn’t that I hate networking - I hate being fake. I might be unable to hold a “vanilla” conversation, but the good news is that doing this work allows me to embrace that. And if nothing else comes out of last weekend, I know one thing for sure - it was an opportunity to bring life to the mission I started Freeform with - helping my community create healthy, intentional, and fulfilling relationships.

Safe to say I’m hooked - see you in Minneapolis!

💖🦄

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