The Tension Between Wanting More and Accepting What Is in Non-Monogamy

Last year I sat on my couch with someone I cared about deeply, aware that part of me was quietly watching the clock. They had to leave by 10. Sleepovers weren’t something they were available for.

Our time together always felt nourishing. Warm. Easy. Genuine.

And also… fleeting.

Like being served a delicious, beautifully prepared appetizer, just enough to awaken your senses and whet your appetite.

Yet over time there was the slow, disappointing, and disorienting realization that the rest of the meal I was waiting for might never be served. Our connection started to be colored by a subtle, persistent hunger. I was trying to convince myself that the crumbs of time we had together were enough to sustain me.

After all, what we shared was real. Tender. Emotionally thoughtful.

I began to notice comparison stories beginning to form inside me. Watching other relationships around me deepen with more ease and frequency stirred a longing in my own system. I found myself wanting the person in front of me to meet me in similar ways, even though they had been relatively clear from the beginning about the limits of their capacity.

This created a confusing internal tension.

Was the relationship genuinely insufficient? Or was I still measuring love through an unconscious expectation that meaningful connection should naturally expand in time, intensity, and integration?

Nate Lewis, “Syncopated Current II,” 2024

I eventually chose to end the relationship; it eventually became clear to me that what we could offer each other in terms of connection and commitment were not aligned. The gap between what was available and what I truly longed for had quietly grown too wide.

Yet even now, I sometimes still find myself wondering:

Could it have been enough if I had learned to accept the limitations more fully?
Could I have diversified where I was receiving emotional and relational nourishment instead of hoping this one connection would stretch to meet me?

While they’re not easy to answer, these questions are incredibly common ones in non-monogamous relationships:

Is this enough?
Is this going anywhere?
Am I asking for too much — or slowly settling for too little?

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