RELATIONSHIPS

Why Women Don’t Have to Wait to Be Chosen

Both of her most meaningful non-monogamous relationships started because she made the first move. On choosing desire rather than waiting to be claimed.

✦ BY LUNA ROSE

MARCH 23, 2026

Why Women Don’t Have to Wait to Be Chosen

Photo by Amie Dawson

Most women are taught a version of the same story when it comes to dating.

Be open, but not too eager.
Be attractive, but not assertive.
Be available, but let him make the move.

Desire, in this script, is something you receive. You are chosen. You are pursued. You are wanted.

And for a long time, I followed that without really questioning it. I felt attraction, of course. I noticed people. But I always waited for them to come and claim me.

The First Time I Didn’t Wait

One of the most meaningful non-monogamous relationships I’ve had started in a café.

I remember noticing him almost immediately. It wasn’t dramatic, just a steady kind of pull. The kind where your attention keeps returning, even when you try to focus on something else.

Normally, I would have left it there. Maybe made eye contact. Maybe hoped something would happen. But that day, I didn’t.

I walked over. Started a conversation. And then, just before I left, I asked him for a pen so I could write down my number for him. My hands were shaking while I wrote, and when I left, I wondered if I had made a complete fool of myself. But turns out, he loved it.

That small decision turned into something much bigger than I expected. We dated for over two years. It was a relationship full of curiosity, play, and a lot of great sex. The kind that only happens when two people meet each other openly from the beginning.

Looking back, what stands out to me isn’t just the relationship itself, but the fact that it existed at all because I didn’t wait.

The One I Almost Talked Myself Out Of

The second was even less expected.

He had been my Physiotherapist (I want to stress had been). There was already context, a pre-existing dynamic, and a lot more room for hesitation. It would have been very easy to dismiss the feeling or convince myself it wasn’t appropriate to act on.

But the attraction was there, and this time I recognized it differently and followed it.

That connection also turned into something long-lasting. It was full of depth, exploration (both in the bedroom and outside of it), and a different kind of emotional intimacy. It wasn’t just a passing moment of attraction. It was a relationship that unfolded over time and shaped me in ways I didn’t anticipate.

And again, it only existed because I made a move.

What Changed When I Started Choosing

Both of those relationships shared something in common beyond how they started.

They felt intentional from the beginning.

When you wait to be approached, attraction can feel like something that happens to you. When you initiate, it becomes something you actively participate in. You are not just being chosen. You are choosing.

That shift is subtle, but it changes the entire tone of the connection. There is less ambiguity. Less performance. Less wondering. You meet each other in something that is already mutual.

And for me, it created space for relationships that were not only long-lasting but full of genuine exploration. I had been fully myself at the beginning, so I felt comfortable continuing to express myself to my fullest.

How This Connects to Non-Monogamy

Non-monogamy asks you to question a lot of inherited scripts.

Not just about exclusivity, but about roles. About who gets to want, who gets to initiate, and how desire is allowed to move.

In many traditional dynamics, men pursue, and women respond. That structure doesn’t just shape behavior. It shapes how we relate to our own attraction.

But when you step outside of that, you start to see how limiting it can be.

Especially in non-monogamy, where connections don’t always follow familiar paths, waiting to be approached can quietly close doors. There are people who might be interested but hesitant. People navigating their own dynamics. People who won’t step forward first, even if something is there.

If you only ever wait, you miss them and the fun, intimacy, and love that they can bring you.

Desire Is Something You Can Act On

There is something powerful about allowing your desire to move through you, instead of holding it back.

Not in a forceful or performative way, but in a simple, grounded way. You see someone. You feel something. You move toward it.

Sometimes nothing comes of it. Sometimes it’s awkward. Sometimes it surprises you. And sometimes, it turns into something real. Something that expands your understanding of what connection can look like.

A Different Way of Loving

Looking back, those relationships were meaningful because they showed me that I didn’t have to wait to be chosen in order to experience love, attraction, or connection. That I could step toward what I wanted. That I could participate in creating the relationships I was curious about.

And in the context of non-monogamy, that feels especially true.

Loving outside the box isn’t just about having more options. It’s about engaging with your own desire more honestly.

It’s about choosing, not just being chosen.

A Little Fun Quiz For You!

Are you new to non-monogamy and aren’t sure which relationship style is for you? Check out this fun and quick quiz that finds out if you would do best with monogamish, open relationships, relationship anarchy, and more!

Take The Quiz

Got any questions or stories about non-monogamy? Feel free to drop them in the comments below!