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💌 Love Letters · 03 — When We Want to Move at Different Speeds in Polyamory + Reflection Questions

For Polyamory Loves + Therapists

NOVEMBER 4, 2026

💌 Love Letters · 03 — When We Want to Move at Different Speeds in Polyamory + Reflection Questions

♡ A 1-Minute Preview:

A narrated version of the itty bits inside this month’s Love Letters.

♡ Inside this Month’s Love Letters:

1. When We Want to Move at Different Speeds in Polyamory: “Too Fast” vs. “Too Slow” + Reflection Questions
Navigating different needs when one Partner wants to move “faster” or “slower” — while building trust, safety and connection2. Resources of the Month
A BIPOC ENM Support Group + OPEN, an Organization Advocating for Non-Monogamous Communities

3. New to Love Letters?
Start with 27 Polyamory Check-In Questions or the “Wishes, Intentions, Support & Expectations” Worksheet

4. A Little Invitation
I’d love to hear your thoughts…

Image - Illustration of two people, one femme with purple skin tone looking downward and sad, one masc person with brown skin tone comforting her & looking downward. Bright pastel colors, tall flowers in background by Midjourney.

♡ When We Want to Move at Different Speeds in Polyamory + Reflection Questions

Learning to honor our different speeds without losing connection

When we first agree to open up to polyamory with a Partner, it can be liberating, exhilarating, confusing and unsettling — and all at the same time! The f*ckkkkkk? Right. Now add to that if we are desiring and / or already moving at different speeds. One of us is moving “too slow”, itty bitty gentle baby steps so the nervous system can stay on track, in fact we’re just pondering polyamory. While the other Partner is sprinting to the finish line, ready to make the sex, ready to add another Partner with a side of kitchen tabling, and while we’re at it let’s add a nesting throuple situation, and why not do a deep dive into spending solo romantic emotional time with others while having all the NRE and sleepovers possible — lifestyle. They are doing the most.

And yet… neither desire for “too slow” or “too fast” is wrong. And for the person who prefers the slower path, even if we agreed to it all, when it actually happens — it can feel terribly threatening and just way too dizzying. And yet… I feel I must repeat this — NEITHER SPEED IS RIGHT OR WRONG.

There is no wrong because we each individually operate, think, feel, behave, take risks and move thru life with a unique zest. This is the innate beauty of who we are. But then we look up and we’re in this polyamory partnership thing where we must consider each other’s well-being, emotions and stress levels. And now we are not on the same page. That’s frustrating. We must consider the kinship, the tribe, the how are you doing in this? Is this working for you? And so on. So yes, this can be a place where things get rocky, and it often does. And still we may deeply want this.

So how do continue your exploration of your opening up journey? This most often impacts the slower person with a griping fear as things are difficult to process moving at this speed. And for the person wanting to move much more quickly — a feeling of being controlled or resentment can build. I WANT MY FREEDOM AND I WANT IT NOW.

First and foremost, we give ourselves the gorgeous and gentle reminder that polyamory is not the same as being single. Duh. I know you know that. But let me remind your nervous system, heart, spirit and mind. And let me also say — we have the right to be single and do as please, when we please, and with whom we please. Hell yeah. But if you are reading this — you are likely desiring polyamory over being single and it’s the ‘togetherness’, consent, commitment and intimacy that makes it unique from ‘being single.’ And it’s also what makes it excruciatingly hard sometimes (hence that damn personal growth). Enough already with the self-development. Right? :)

But here’s the catch — awareness of our Loves feelings, needs and hopes creates sustainable polyamorous relationships. The polyamory that lasts (if you desire long-term of course), that feels balanced, emotionally safe and enjoyable while keeping us engaged with each other and others. Yummy. We need these elements so the whole thing doesn’t deconstruct.

When I had the magnificent opportunity to be interviewed on the Normalizing Non-Monogamy podcast with Emma and Fin — while chatting about this exact topic of moving at different speeds, Emma shared “Move at the pace of trust”. Oh. My. God. I will always remember that. (NNM is an amazing polyamory resource which I will shine the light on next month!).

Image - Fox Eros a Black Biracial femme Therapist person with brown skin, a red head wrap, tattoos, beaded jewelry, smiling, an aqua background. This is a flyer for the Normalizing Non-Monogamy Podcast.

When we attune with each other, we build safety and security… and this can help polyamory feel good. If it doesn’t benefit everyone in some significant way — that’s where those seeds of resentment, distrust, frustration, sadness and anger begin to grow.

If you or your Loves are in this position, here’s a check-in you can do. I’m a therapist… you know I love reflection questions & check-ins! It’s intentional time spent asking the deeper questions we don’t think of. Hell yeah.

Check-ins / Reflection Questions support us because it helps us to not assume everyone is good because they #1 say they are, or #2 the agreements are being followed. Things change, and they can change without our awareness inside of us, in our relationships and with each other. Us humans are fragile — especially when it comes to matters of the heart.

**Reflection questions:
**• Are your needs being met?

• How do we feel up to this point with how our polyamory is going?

• Are we saying “yes” to please others even if it hurts us?

• Are we avoiding any topics out of fear of losing our freedom or each other?

• Do we wish to change any agreements?

• What’s working and what isn’t?

• Is anyone feeling a sense of urgency or inadequacy?

• Why did we want to practice polyamory together in the first place? And why now?

• Is anyone feeling a sense of urgency to move faster, slower, pause or completely stop?

• If we desire moving at different speeds, what our are worst fears of what could happen if we change that speed?

• How do we imagine we will build the needed sense of emotional safety, security and trust to flourish in polyamory?

**For the person wanting to move “faster”:
**• What is your need to move faster?

• Are there other ways you can fuel your fire for life, love and erotism?

• What else excites you and makes you feel the way new love does?

• If your speed is impacting your Partner — what is that like for you? Can you share that experience with them?

• Could you practice moving slower, or will it feel oppressive to your core being? What would it be like for you to change speeds? What would you gain or lose with your Loves?

• If your Partner agrees to continue moving at your speed — what is it that they would need from you? For example reassurance, more quality time, more intuitional romantic dates, etc. And do you have capacity for these things?

And let me remind you — no one will get 100% of everything they want in polyamory. (But if it’s happening for you right now, then I am wrong and I love that for you!). But often we do not get everything we want in anywhere life: in polyamory, in monogamy, family, career, friendships etc. However… perhaps we could work together to get up to maybeeeeeee 80% of what we both want? What do you feel about that? What would 80% look like?

**A Polyamory Affirmation:
**“I check-in with my mind, heart and body often. How is polyamory benefiting me?”

“I connect with my Self, name my needs and share them with my Loves. I am worthy of a relationship that feels safe, secure and good to me.”

**☆ Pro-Tip:
**For this check-in, create intentional space. Plan for it when you and your loves have capacity, energy, focus and are feeling calm and relaxed. Stay open in your heart and mind because there’s nothing to fix yet. You are being curious and learning about one another’s experiences. See if you can practice empathy by imagining how would make sense that your partner would feel the way they feel. If things get intense, make sure to pause and take a break because you can return at any time, even another day. Have your goal to be to learn about one another with compassion as you would a friendship.

✦ **For those of you who are Therapists:**You’re welcome to bring these questions into your sessions with clients who are struggling in this area. Having the support of your guidance and compassion can help them being to clear up what is truly important in their relationship and polyamory journey.

Feel free to share this with anyone who may need inspiration & support. ♡

♡ Resources of the Month

**#1 — The BIPOC & ENM Support Group:
**Facilitated by the empowering and insightful (a Self-Development Coach) — this BIPOC ENM group offers a supportive space to share experiences, explore the intersections of race, culture and relationships, and connect with community. Please share with anyone who may benefit!

Details:
3rd Thursday of each month, for more details & registration: Open-Love.org.
• Instagram: @WithInMeCoaching
• TikTok: @WithInMeCoaching

P.S. Zipporah also has a Thriving in Polyamory group starting in the new year, you can follow their EventBrite for futures dates!

Image - Flyer of BIPOC & ENM Community Peer Support Group.

#2 — OPEN Organization for Polyamory and Ethical Non-monogamy
Open is nother wonderful resource I want to shine the light on. OPEN is dedicated to fostering the non-monogamy movement by advancing cultural acceptance, building political power and supporting non-monogamous communities and leaders.

Instagram: @OpenLoveOrg

♡ A Little Invitation…

What’s Something You’d Like Me to Explore Next?

I’d love to hear what’s on your heart, what you’re curious about and what you’d like us to explore together. You’re welcome to message me a question (button below) or topic you’d love to see in a future Love Letter. (To protect your privacy — please don’t include any identifying information). I’ll keep questions anonymous and may choose one to explore in a future post. Thank you. :)

*A kind reminder: Love Letters is a space for reflection, education, and shared exploration — however, I’m not able to provide therapy or personalized clinical advice or responses on this platform, but if you are seeking professional therapy, please reach out to FoxErosInLove.com.

♡ New to Love Letters?

Start with Love Letters · 02 — Wishes, Intentions, Support & Expectations — A W.I.S.E. Worksheet

♡ Interested in Connecting?

• For Therapy Consultations → For California individuals, couples and relationships seeking support with polyamory, intimacy, sex and relationship challenges: Learn more here.

• For Colleague Consultations → For therapists and helping professionals seeking clinical case consultations: Learn more here.

Until next month…♡

Fox Eros, M.A., LMFT
_(she | her | femme)
_Certified in CNM Relationships & Sex Therapy
CA Lic 161302
foxerosinlove.com