FEATURED

Polyamory is selfish....

But is it tho?

✦ BY JAVI

OCTOBER 31, 2026

this photo is also unrelated but its from my article last month in the city paper and its dope so imma throw this ish in here too… click and read the article

Ya know, something that has always put a tater in my tailpipe… is the fact that the moment someone hears that a person is non-monogamous (especially when they are with someone who’s not) is that they are selfish.

This used to piss me off, not it only slightly annoys me. But let’s talk about it. Because for whatever reason you bitches (and I mean that affectionately) continue to say that because someone is polyamorous, they are also selfish. I think this stems from the person thinking that choosing to experience attraction with other people is a choice and not the “right” choice. Which… I mean I get it. But my argument is that this also stems from a deeply embedded samskara that says we are to choose one person and that person is to be our one and only forever. But how often to we experience attraction outside of our relationship. How often do we meet someone and just vibe with their energy? Some of us go as far as to say “in another lifetime”. But the choice to openly and honestly make that choice in this lifetime is somehow taboo. But why? Now don’t get me wrong. I think cheating is a horrible offense and I don’t participate or condone cheating HOWEVER. I think that a person saying they are interested in someone else and being transparent about it with the person they they care about is an act of selflessness.

Now I’m not saying that polyamorous folks are like gods who are above the monogamous person at all, I personally think monogamy is beautiful and often choose that route as an ambiamorous being (I can be monogamous or polyamorous- don’t put me in a mfkn box). What I am saying, or attempting to say, is that I think being able to say to someone how you really feel in an open and honest way, is far from a selfish act. I think cheating and then later hiding it for a while until its so uncomfortable you have to “get it off your chest” is far more selfish. And again this is my opinion. But to just say that a person who is open and honest about who they are is selfish is a bit crazy.

So what prompted this post you may ask? Ok so boom - I made a post of a b-roll clip of me at a party with my girlfriend and the on screen text simply asked if a Polyamorous + Monogamous connection was doomed or if it was a somatic challenge (basically). The caption was 5 things that I have learned in navigating my current connection because my partner is monogamous and I am not. Immediately she says that I am hurting her but she chose to be here but that ultimately it’s selfish. Wildest part is my girlfriend and I are exclusive (right now).

Now initially, this irritated my soul, cuz girl what?!?! And then I took a step back and questioned what was at the root. Now I think that most people have issues with polyamory because they have been in a connection that has had to navigate some sort of infidelity. Which, fair.. it’s a person’s own material coming to the surface and I can see that they are activated. It happens. I’ve been cheated on most of my life. But everyone who cheated on me was “monogamous” and I ended up hurt and betrayed.

I think what frustrates me most is that we move through this world and we carry the things that have cut us as an added layer of perception. So if we were hurt by someone who wore black tees and gold chains, the minute we see it again, our brain forms this entire narrative that the same thing will happen. Funny thing is, these patterns are what attract us to the same things and people, making the same “mistakes” or choices and they can also be the lens through which we see the world even when it’s not the same.

How and why does this happen? Because that’s the way the nervous system and the brain work. We make up full stories in our heads and it becomes universal truth for us. But what if we don’t subscribe to a story. What if we are able to see things a bit clearer without the lenses that obscure our view. This is the practice.

I think that we hold this idea in our heads that healing is us fixing everything and moving through the world as perfactly flawless human beings, but that’s not really how it is. That’s not at all what life actually looks like. Practice on the mat is polished sometimes and even preformative. But practice in the wild makes us roll up our sleeves and get a bit messy. TO explore and experience life rather than trying to make it a chess game of strategic moves. What if we lean into living and life with curiousity. Asking why we think the things we think and why we do the things we do. We can maybe stop judging folkjs for simply being different than what we have been taught is “right” holding multiple truths in live is a practice and an art. Living in this space of being able to sit in discomfort and get curious about what we think we know about ourselves, others and the world around you.

This ain’t really even about polyamory anymore frfr, its about being less judmental people. Our conditioned beliefs lead us to be ableist, classist, racist, homophobic bullies if we are honest. And the practice, the real practice off the mat is our yamas. That is where yoga begins for reason. And we have to stop bleeding on folks who didn’t hurt us all based on past experiences that are just that… past experiences. What happens when we live in the NOW? IDK, maybe im just rambling, but this has been my experience and my practice. This is where im leaning into doing the most inner inquiry. How about you?

Am I selfish? You know what, maybe… but Im also self aware, and confident, loving and caring, romantic and silly. I can be more than all of this, and less at the same time. my practice, has been just questioning and getting curious about what i think i know about myself, others and the rest of the world.

Also, yes this post is a bit les polished than most, my goal from here on out is to try and move in as much an unfiltered way as I can. Its gone be messy af, but yall are about to get a lot more REAL articles from me. Cuz.. im a bit tired of trying to be a polished version of myself… so fuck it. If you stay… you a real oneeeeee.

Also, completely unrelated to this post, but fuck it—I got something and imma share it in case ya need it.

The Somatic Healing: 7-Day Journey Through Jealousy in Polyamory course officially drops tomorrow, but you can grab it today for $10 off. If that speaks to your nervous system right now, go get it.

Polyamory is selfish....

Comments