SELF CARE

Co-dependency is Killing your Relationship

Love and need are not the same thing. Learn to spot codependent patterns early, set boundaries, and build relationships where both people remain whole.

✦ BY LUNA ROSE

SEPTEMBER 24, 2023

Co-dependency is Killing your Relationship

Relationships can be amazing. It is rewarding to have somebody that you trust deeply and rely on, especially when they trust and rely on you as well. But when does loving support turn into toxic codependency? Sometimes the line between the two can be quite blurred. It can be a quick and slippery slope from love into dysfunction. I have dealt with codependency in many of my relationships, and am still learning how to prevent it. In this article, I will share

my experience with codependency, how to identify codependent behaviors, and avoid it altogether.

Identifying Codependency

Dictionary.com defines codependency as “a state of mutual dependence between two people, especially when one partner relies emotionally on supporting and caring for the other partner”. In other words, codependency is when one or both people in a relationship feel as if they need the other person in order to be okay.

Codependent Behavior Can Look Like:

Spending the majority of your time with your partner and/or not putting effort and care into the other relationships in your life
Feeling like you need the other person to thrive, succeed, and sometimes even survive
Always putting your partner’s needs before your own/being your partner’s caretaker
Staying in the relationship even if it is not good for you because you can’t bear to leave them or can’t imagine life without them
Not having good boundaries/not respecting their boundaries/not having your boundaries respected

You’ve Realized You’re Codependent. Now What?

It’s important to remember that codependency happens to the best of us. Usually, it comes from a place of love but is fueled by fears and insecurities. The good news is once you have identified your own codependent behaviors, you can actively work on shifting them. Some ways you can work on disengaging from codependency include:

Taking time alone or spending more time with your friends and family. Reconnecting with the other people in your life can really help take pressure off your relationship and can remind you that you have a larger community of support.
Considering reaching out to a therapist. Getting support from a therapist can be really helpful in identifying what you want to work on in the relationship or if it is better for you to step away from it altogether.
Starting to create stronger boundaries. Figure out what feels good to you in the relationship and what doesn't. Outline your boundaries clearly to your partner and do your best to stick to them. Additionally, invite your partner to create and share their own boundaries with you.

Avoiding Codependency From The Beginning

I do firmly believe that you can in fact avoid falling into codependent patterns at the beginning of a relationship. That’s not to say that you won’t find yourself behaving codependently later on, but it is definitely good to start out mindful of strategies for avoiding them. Some of these strategies include:

Making sure to spend time with other people. This may seem like a no-brainer, but spending all your time with your new partner can quickly lead to codependency. It may be difficult, especially since at the beginning spending time together is fun and new, but don’t neglect your other friendships.
Focusing on your hobbies and the things you love to do. Don’t let your relationship take up too much space! Make sure that you keep on doing all the things that fill you up. Having separate hobbies and passions can help couples maintain a feeling of autonomy.
Valuing yourself and putting yourself first. Caring for others is a beautiful thing, but it is so important to care for yourself first. Try and avoid overextending yourself to support or care for your new partner. Being someone’s parent isn’t very sexy, and usually, it can get exhausting.
Setting clear boundaries from the start. Setting boundaries can be difficult, but they are very important for healthy relationships. Figure out what you are and aren’t comfortable with and be clear with your partner about them. It is okay to say no to the person you love, especially if saying yes would deplete your own resources or take away from your own needs.

Love Doesn’t Have To Equal Codependency!

So many of us have grown up watching romance movies and TV shows that preach codependency as the norm. Think about it, how many love stories do you know that revolve around two people saying things like “I can’t imagine my life without you” or “I don’t want to live in a world without you”? So many!

This rhetoric has instilled in us the idea that codependency is not only normal but romantic. In fact, I have found that one of the hardest parts of breaking codependent patterns has been restructuring what romance means to me. Redefining romance can be tricky, but ultimately it feels liberating. Realizing that I don’t need anyone to be complete, but that I can enrich my life with the love of my partner, has been an empowering experience.

You Are Strong, You Are Whole.

Lastly, I'd just like to remind you that you are already strong, with or without an intimate partner. Sometimes, when I have been in codependent relationships, I deeply believe that I will not be okay without that other person. Although this fear is totally normal, it is completely untrue. You do not need someone else to complete you, because you are already whole.

Related reading: Learn about Loving Without Owning for a healthier approach to commitment, and read Freedom Without Care Is Just Avoidance about balancing autonomy with care.

Need support breaking codependent patterns? Working with an ENM-aware therapist or coach can provide you with tools to build healthier relationship dynamics. You don't have to figure this out alone.