When the Desire for Romance & Relationship Makes Casual Connections Lackluster in Non-Monogamy

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Where do you go for romance when your play partners aren’t interested in it?

I know this probably seems like a “duh!” type question to some, but as a polyamorous, non-monogamous baddie who also dabbles in kink and lifestyle, I technically don’t ‘need’ love to enjoy someone physically; and usually, I am able to enjoy both types of connections, casual and committed/long-term in their respective environments. But lately, I’ve noticed the enjoyment of balancing casual and committed, for me, is not a 2-way street. Let me explain…

For YEARS I’ve had a healthy balance of long-term committed partners and casual kinky friends with benefits, and honestly, I prefer it that way… in my perfect world, I would have a husband or life partner I share property with, and two other partners (boyfriend, girlfriend or non-binary person) who enjoy having official titles and building relationship containers with our own statutes and philosophies. If 2 or all 3 of those connections end up being more serious and long-term, even better. In this scenario, my needs for consistent romance, a life partner, someone to share financial highs and lows with, someone to assist me on a day to day as I assist them, etc., are being met. I don’t have to worry about my romantic lover girl energy bleeding into casual connections that don’t hold space for them because that need is being met by my life partner at home.

But when I am 100% single, and don’t have a life partner or anyone to date with intention towards a long-term partnership, I find it harder and harder to just have solely casual connections where no one wants to do anything more committed or long-term. Something about that equation does not work in reverse for me, if I have my romantic needs met at home met by a partner who I know is committed, I feel more secure that my lover girl energy has somewhere to go where it’s appreciated and deserved; and when I have that, I can freely enjoy casual connections because I’m not starved of romance on the other side.

It feels like long-term commitments and life partners act as a dam for my lover girl energy. As funny as that sounds, commitment gives my romance somewhere to flow with depth and intention, so I’m not unconsciously pouring it into casual connections that were never meant to hold that much emotional intensity. When I have a secure, committed space for that part of myself, I can actually enjoy casual relationships more lightly and authentically. But when I’m single and that desire for deep romance has nowhere to go, it starts to spill over the edges, and I find myself flooding casual connections with a level of love and emotional investment they were never built to return.

Some casual people don’t have the capacity for long-term commitments, romance, or even prolonged intimacy. They can only be present in spurts and they are only but so emotionally available… these people might make great kink partners, friends with benefits, or casual play partners, but they don’t meet the criteria for all of the intricacies of marriage or long-term commitment, either by preference because they don’t want to at that time or an actual inability overall. So, when I am single and intermingled with people who view connection this way, I can sometimes ‘do too much’ by being naturally romantic; buying them flowers or asking them if we could have a lunch date or a sleepover. They put those things in the category of “stuff they would do with a girlfriend” and don’t feel obligated to treat me to such romance as a casual play partner. When this occurs, it sucks! Because truthfully, me as a romantic partner is EVEN MORE advanced and intricate than just some basic ass lunch, but to a person who places ANY form of romantic intention in a relationship/commitment category, that is considered ‘a lot’ and a turn off.

Eventually I’ll start hearing things like, “I really enjoy you and our kinky time together, but you want a little too much romance and I’m not your man/woman…”, then it hits me, dammit, I’ve done it again - I’ve accidentally allowed my romantic lover girl energy to just naturally exist but the casual peeps don’t like that *eye roll* so let me pack up that side of me and wrap it in foil I guess… *deep sigh* until I meet the next person who can handle it, who wants to feel the depth of real love and romance like I do.

Overtime this feels like self abandonment and denial and that’s honestly why I hate it.

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