Hierarchical Actions Speak Louder Than Non-Hierarchical Words

Photo by Ann H on Pexels

Someone saying they practice "non-hierarchical polyamory" doesn't necessarily mean they're safe. True safety is co-created through:

• Firm boundaries and advocacy for your relationship (even and especially if it means having a hard conversation with someone else)

• Clear communication that involves you in decisions that impact you

• Being mindful of how couple privilege in one relationship impacts partners who don't benefit from it (even unintentionally)

Actions matter more than words/labels.

Labelling yourself as "non-hierarchical" is utterly meaningless if you don't spend time mindfully unpacking your couple privilege and how it impacts other partners. You can't just say "I'm non-hierarchical, so therefore the fact that I'm married doesn't matter", or "I'm non-hierarchical, so your feelings about something I did have nothing to do with me".

In fact, I've been saying for a long time that we spend so much time arguing over what is and isn't hierarchy, that we're not actually looking at the actual expectations and agreements in our relationships and how they are being experienced by the people around us.

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