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You are not Bad, Maybe you're just Non-Monogamous.

If you have spent years labeling yourself a cheater, you might just be non-monogamous. One woman recounts the journey from chronic shame to finally feeling.

✦ BY LUNA ROSE

OCTOBER 28, 2023

You are not Bad, Maybe you're just Non-Monogamous.

I used to feel defective, like something was deeply wrong with me. Finding love has never been difficult for me, but keeping a relationship longer than a year or so was. Why? Because I kept looking at other people, fantasizing about them, and even sometimes getting into bed with them when I really shouldn’t have been.

I remember asking myself over and over again “What is wrong with you?” and “Why can’t you just be satisfied with one person like everyone else?” I labeled myself as a chronic cheater because that’s what I was doing. Not only did I literally cheat on many of my partners, but I also would chastise myself for even thinking about or flirting with other people.

Many of the people around me helped me build up this identity as “a very promiscuous girl” and “a man-eater” (titles that were given to me by none other than my own father). But what these labels overlooked was the fact that not only did I want sexual connection with multiple people (which is a valid enough reason to want to not be monogamous,) but I also deeply craved emotional non-platonic intimacy with others.

I think that this is an overlooked piece of the non-monogamous puzzle that normative society doesn't understand. A lot of the time people think of polyamorous people as crazed horndogs who can't keep it in their pants or people who cannot commit. And sure, while the world is big and these folks exist, I would argue that many of us are just big feelers who want to connect deeply with others. AND maybe we are horndogs and that's alright too! Both can exist and both are equally valid.

Looking back on my past, I now know that nothing was or is wrong with me. I was simply a non-monogamous (dare I say polyamorous) person trying to fit myself into monogamous relationship after monogomous relationship. Now that I am with someone who fully embraces and loves my polyamorous nature I no longer have to pretend to be someone I’m not. And although it’s still not always easy (no relationships are) it feels amazing.

If this experience resonates with you, remember to be gentle with yourself. You are not bad, you are not broken. Maybe you're just non-monogamous.

Exploring non-monogamy for the first time? Learn more about what ethical non-monogamy actually means and discover the different relationship styles that might resonate with you.

You are not Bad, Maybe you're just Non-Monogamous.

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