Avoiding Accountability
What it looks like, and why we do it
Journal
Real stories from real people navigating the beautiful mess of non-monogamy. From first-date butterflies to jealousy spirals and everything in between—these writers are sharing their unfiltered journeys so you can learn, relate, and feel a little less alone in yours.
Non-Monogamous People Talk About Cheating More Than Monogamous Couples Do
On the promises we think we’ve made, the ones we’ve only assumed, and why the conversation nobody has is the one that matters most.
QUIZ - What’s Your Polyamory Communication Style?
The 3rd Quiz in my Polyamory Blueprint series...
48-Hour AND 5-Day Private Coaching Chats with Coach Tiff are now LIVE!
Save Your Slot Today... Only 5 Slots Left!
💌 Love Letters · 02 — There’s More to Polyamory Than Agreements + Worksheet
For Polyamory Loves + Therapists
Breadcrumbs are NOT a meal!
And we need to stop normalizing them in friendships, romantic relationships, and beyond...
Violent Nonviolent Communication
On Last Ditch, political infighting, and relational frameworks in community conflict.
The Difference Between Being Okay and Being a Yes
On nervous system regulation, accommodation, and finding out what you actually want in non-monogamy
My Partner Says They Can’t Reassure Me Enough — Am I Asking Too Much?
No, you’re not asking too much. But something in the pattern probably does need to shift — and the shift isn’t “ask for less.” It’s “get some of what you need f
UPDATED Nonmonogamous Relationship Agreements Checklist
Categories, dialogue prompts, and examples of agreements to design your relationship structure and align expectations.
💌 Love Letters · 01 — 27 Polyamory Check-In Questions
For Polyamory Love + Therapists
10 Signs You Are A Secure Polyamorous Person
1. You don’t let other people’s opinions about your love define its validity. 2. You don’t shame yourself for experiencing jealousy. 3. You listen and don’t t
Polyamory Doesn’t Mean Accepting Disrespect.
Just because your partner has another partner, it doesn’t mean you should tolerate being deprioritised or neglected. Just because your partner has another part
Non-Monogamy Creates Personal Growth
As a therapist who works with consensual non-monogamy (CNM), I’ve seen it function really beautifully. I also know that it can be challenging. That’s because, i
When Someone Else's Feelings Become Your Compass
Why non-monogamy often reveals the places we've confused love with emotional responsibility
Supporting Disabled Partners in Polyamory (and Every Relationship)
Accessibility belongs inside relationships too. A disabled relationship coach on supporting disabled partners in polyamory through collaborative intimacy.
Setting Boundaries Is Hard, Even for a Therapist
I'm a therapist who teaches boundaries for a living, and I still struggle to set my own. Here are the three hardest ones and what I do about them.
Non-Monogamous Relationship Skills: Renegotiating Agreements
People in new non-monogamous relationships often put a lot of effort into crafting airtight relationship agreements. That might look like, for instance, having
What Kind of Friendship Are You Really In?
Take This 5-Minute Toxic Friend Quiz
Podcast Interview: Gary Brick, Happily Married Polyamorist with Asexual Monogamous Wife
Hello, Loving Without Boundaries (LWB) community! I am happy and inspired to share my latest podcast interview with Gary Brick. Oooooh, how I have been waiting
The Conversation People Wait Too Long to Have in Non-Monogamy
Why attraction, curiosity, and desire become far more difficult to navigate when we wait for certainty before sharing them
The Opportunity in Conflict
The necessity of friction and repair in achieving true intimacy.
The Four Agreements & Ethical Non-Monogamy
Don Miguel Ruiz wasn't talking about open relationships when he wrote his short book — but he could have been. Here's why The Four Agreements might be the m
Let's Stop Using the Term "Non-Hierarchical"
Non-hierarchical sounds evolved, but in practice it often creates more confusion than clarity. Here's why it's time to retire the label.
The Forever Tension Between Safety and Freedom in Non-Monogamy
Part 1 of 2: Why fear of disconnection can quietly turn into protest, pressure, and panic
Ureaplasma, can you say that again?
Written by: Tamar Simone Weir My first exposure to understanding and general awareness of ureaplasma, was 3 years ago. At the time, a friend of mine started fee
Agreement Grey Areas
Response to an inquiry from a follower.
Why “No Feelings” Sets ENM Up for Failure
No feelings sounds clean until the feelings show up anyway. Suppressing emotions in ENM doesn't make them vanish — it makes things messy.
Podcast Interview: Maria Palumbo, Sex, Love, Trauma Coach, and Therapist
Kitty Chambliss sits down with sex, love, and trauma coach Maria Palumbo to explore how attachment wounds shape our experiences in ethical non-monogamy.
Disclosure Boundaries: Are You A High- Or Low-Information Person?
There are two types of polyamorous people when it comes to disclosure boundaries: those who do better with more information about what their partner(s) are doin
The Quiet Damage of Overpromising in Polyamory
When hierarchical hinges cultivate emotional expectations for expansion before the relational structure actually exists to support them
Your Family Doesn't Have to Approve of Your Love Life. Here's How to Stop Needing Them To.
How to protect your peace when your family judges your relationships: navigating opinions, managing the need for approval, and staying true to yourself.
Cheaters As People Pleasers
On control, complicity, and the problematic violence we romanticize when relationships fall apart.
The Confusing Conversations about 'Going with the Flow' in Polyamory & Non-Monogamy
Toxic positivity in our community invalidates difficult or hurtful experiences in casual connections instead of making space for them. Do we ALWAYS need to spea
I Got Scabies. Here's What Non-Monogamy Taught Me About Sexual Health.
On sexual health, skin-to-skin reality, and the conversation worth having before you need to.
Podcast Interview: Ryle Kestano, Experienced Relationship Author and Creative
Kitty Chambliss talks with relationship author Ryle Kestano about authentic connection, inner healing, and what ethical non-monogamy looks like in real life.
You Knew EXACTLY What You Were Doing When You Led Me to Nowhere…
A raw letter to someone who pretended to want a real connection, then gaslit you when the mask started slipping. Your confusion was not the problem.
The Art of the Real Apology (And Why Most of Us Are Doing It Wrong)
Most of us think we're decent apologizers. We say sorry, we mean it, and we move on. But there's a significant difference between apologizing at someone and
The #1 Thing That Will Improve ALL of Your Relationships
Whether you are monogamous or non-monogamous, one overlooked skill consistently transforms every relationship — and it has nothing to do with structure.
Bad Listeners Are Bad in Bed
How curiosity, attunement, consent, safety, and sexual pleasure are inextricably linked.
Reflections From My First EXXXOTICA
Speaking at EXXXOTICA revealed a glaring gap in lifestyle spaces: real consent education. Nicole reflects on what she found — and what she plans to change.
What To Do If Your Partner Is In A Toxic Relationship
A lot of polyamorous people will NOT like what I have to say about this, but…your partner is unfortunately allowed to make the choice to be in shitty, toxic, a
Learning to Pause Without Panic in Open Relationships
A somatic guide to interrupting survival momentum, restoring regulation after conflict, and supporting long-term sustainability in non-monogamy
From Relationship Check-Ins to Relationship Tending
If your non-monogamy check-ins feel like performance reviews, it may be a design problem. Here's how to lead with the body, not the agenda.
“I thought I was arriving to save my relationship — but that’s not what happened at all…”
Diana arrived ready to save her relationship. What she found instead was herself. A real story about open relationships, identity, and transformation.
How Do You Know You’re Safe at a Play Party?
A solo poly unicorn explains why a consent talk alone doesn't make a play party safe — and how learning to read her body became her real safety practice.
Intentionality vs Passive Avoidance
The subtle art of disclosure in nonmonogamous relationship.
The Hidden Cost of Protecting Your Partner
Most people think they’re protecting their partner by holding back the truth—but often, it creates distance instead of connection. This post explores the ba
How Handling Jealousy in Polyamory Goes Wrong - And How To Avoid It
In polyamory (and relationships in general), with freedom comes responsibility. If you want to connect with multiple people, you also have to be prepared to sup
When Safety Was Broken: Rebuilding Trust After Relational Trauma in Non-Monogamy
When your partner caused the rupture, the nervous system treats them as a threat. A somatic guide to rebuilding trust after lies and broken agreements.
From Default to Design: The Courage to Choose Your Relationship
After listening to a powerful episode of Esther Perel’s Where Shall We Begin, I found myself thinking about jealousy, relationship scripts, and the courage
When “We Tell Each Other Everything” Stops Working
The quiet shift from monogamous fusion to differentiated partnership, and three communication patterns that commonly destabilize the transition
Dating Separately vs. Dating Together
Choosing whether to date together or separately shapes how autonomy, jealousy, and intimacy move through a non-monogamous relationship. Here's the real.
Coercion Culture & Silence
What Non-Monogamous Communities Need to Learn from the Epstein Files - How coercion culture, and silence leads to harm in sex positive environments.
what tinder taught me about specificity and getting what i want
Written by: Tamar Simone Weir Art by Audrey Jones This blog today will investigate how my many random, hilarious, and weird tinder dates have helped me in gett
“Go At The Pace Of The Slowest Person” Is Bad Polyamory Advice
You’ve probably heard the phrase move at the pace of the slowest person when it comes to opening up a relationship. And I would agree with that with a “yes and…
Emotions Running High? Here Are 5 Phrases To Defuse The Tension In Polyamory
Five phrases to use in a difficult polyamory moment: stay connected, express feelings without blame, and de-escalate tension before it becomes conflict.
The Difference Between Pacing Requests and Power Grabs
Reader Q&A: How to ask for what your nervous system needs without controlling someone else’s relationship
Freedom Without Care Is Just Avoidance
Freedom is foundational to non-monogamy, but without accountability it quietly becomes avoidance. Learn to tell the difference between real autonomy and.
Polyamory Doesn’t Mean Zero Boundaries.
Polyamory doesn’t mean you have to be okay with everything, nor does it mean you have to ‘work on’ being okay with everything. Being flexible can be a good thin
Consent Isn’t Just “Yes or No”
The importance of learning the language of embodied choice in non-monogamy
Loving Without Owning
Most of us learn that love means possession, but commitment built on ongoing choice runs deeper than ownership ever could. A practical guide to loving.
Is Your Partner Mismanaging Their New Relationship Energy (NRE)?
Your partner is responsible for managing their own feelings of New Relationship Energy, and if they are deprioritising or neglecting you in the process of chasi
Mono-Poly Relationships Can Work - Here Are 5 Traits That Guarantee Long-Term Success
Can mono-poly relationships work? Leanne Yau shares 5 traits that help a monogamous person and a polyamorous partner build a happy relationship that lasts.
You’re Polyamorous, Not Superhuman.
Being “good at polyamory” is not about never feeling insecure/jealous or never making a mistake. It’s about communicating with your partners, being vulnerable,
Jealousy Isn’t the Problem, Silence Is
Jealousy in polyamory is just information — it is the silence around it that causes real damage. Why naming what you feel changes everything.
Dear N; a letter written in 2020
Written by: Tamar Simone Weir Note: The photos included in this blog are photos from 2020 era and I am using a pseudonym for the purpose of not putting every de
Love Without Sex: How to Transition To A Non-Sexual Relationship
Love and sex don't always have to coexist - the asexual and aromantic community know this all too well - but at the same time, not everyone is able to fully sep
You’re Allowed To Fuck Up In Polyamory, But…
Making mistakes in polyamory is part of the learning curve — and those mistakes can still hurt people. Both truths must be held at once.
My Top 5 Red Flags in Polyamorous Relationships
Leanne Yau's top 5 red flags when you start dating a polyamorous person, from poor time management to blaming other partners for their own decisions.
The Truth about ‘Polyamory Under Duress’ (PUD)
The discourse around the term "polyamory under duress" is pissing me off, because people aren't approaching the conversation with enough nuance and real-world c
The Quiet Difference Between Safety and Regulation
When agreements manage anxiety instead of supporting connection
Polyamory Doesn’t Mean You Have To Settle For Less
I don't know who needs to hear this, but polyamory doesn't mean you have to settle for less time, energy, and commitment. Your partner having other partners isn
Stop Trying To Educate People Who Aren't Here To Learn
I think marginalised people are often saddled with the burden of educating people who hold more privilege. I think that's really unfair.
Offense vs. Defense: The Hidden Game Playing Out in Every Relationship
I’m not a big one for sports analogies, but at my last retreat, during the final integration ceremony, a couple shared something that everyone in the room u
"Autonomy" Doesn't Mean What You Think
I think the polyamorous community has a huge problem with taking the concept of autonomy too far. To the point where some people just feel like they can do what
Navigating the Holidays While Polyamorous
Holidays can be a stressful time for many, especially if you're polyamorous and doing it with multiple partners. So here are a couple of things to think about i
The Sex Drive Mismatch: Why ENM Can Make It More Obvious, Not Less
Sex drive mismatches are incredibly common in long-term relationships, monogamous or non. But when couples step into ethical non-monogamy or the swinging li
A Healthy Relationship can Still Have Conflict
A healthy relationship does not mean you never have any conflict. A healthy relationship is one where you can move through conflicts/differences in a productive
You and Your Metamour are Entitled to Your Boundaries
You are allowed to have a boundary where you won't date someone unless you get explicit confirmation from their other partner(s) that they're genuinely polyamor
Polyamorous Holiday Survival Guide
The bottom line when it comes to surviving the holidays as a polyamorous person is:
Being Attracted To Your Friends
Unpopular opinion: you can be platonic friends with people you find attractive without compromising the friendship.
My 3 Main Requirements in Polyamory
Keep your agreements. Be safe and kind. Communicate when things change. Three simple requirements that make polyamory actually work.
Maybe They’re Not Toxic - You Just Do Polyamory Differently
Someone's way of doing polyamory could be completely valid, AND it could be incompatible with your way of doing polyamory.
For the “Cool Girls” in Polyamory
“I don’t want to be a burden, or too much for them…”“They’re telling me that how I feel is wrong…”“I’m scared they’ll leave if I tell them what I truly think…”
Hierarchical Actions Speak Louder Than Non-Hierarchical Words
Someone saying they practice "non-hierarchical polyamory" doesn't necessarily mean they're safe. True safety is co-created through:
The Afterglow: What Happens After Play?
When most couples start exploring the lifestyle, the focus is usually on what happens before and during play: setting boundaries, choosing partners, navigat
Polyamory and Privacy
Friendly reminder that you don't have to know every single detail of your partner's date with someone else to be a good and supportive polyamorous partner. Not
3 Pieces of Polyamory Advice - If I Wasn't Afraid of Hurting Your Feelings
I’ve been non-monogamous since 2016, and educating on it full-time since 2020. I’m not usually this direct, but based on what I’ve seen, here is my most brutall
Polyamory Requires Effort. Duh.
Some people like the IDEA of polyamory more than the EFFORT it takes to actually maintain multiple relationships.
Great Play Starts with Great Agreements
Some people hear the word agreements or boundaries and think of rules, restrictions, or a list of “don’ts.” I see them differently. Agreements are an act o
In Polyamory, It’s Okay To Ask For More
Friendly reminder that it's okay to want more time with your partner or to ask for regular dates, and being polyamorous doesn't change that. You’re allowed to d
Being a People Pleaser in Polyamory
We don't talk enough about the fact that exploring polyamory is so much harder when you have people pleasing tendencies. Does this sound like you?
I Love You - So Let’s Break Up
Say your partner is pretending to be okay with polyamory. So whose responsibility is it to break up?
Double Standards In Polyamory
My ‘polyamorous’ ex once told me they didn’t like me sleeping with other people because I was a woman, but it was fine for him to do the same as a man. Double s
Desire, Not Duty: Honoring Your Yes (and Your No)
One of the most important things I teach is this: you are never obligated to play. Ever. In swinging, the only expectation should be mutual enthusiasm. And
How People Pleasing Happens In Polyamory
People pleasing is common in relationships, but is especially harmful in polyamory. If you struggle to say no, avoid hard conversations, or downplay your needs,
My Thoughts On “Your Feelings Aren’t My Responsibility”
Your partner's emotions aren't your responsibility, but you should still consider their feelings when acting. That doesn't mean doing everything you can to avoi
Polyamory Toolkit: Core Needs vs Bonus Needs
“Polyamory just means you have lower standards, right? Because one person can't meet all of your needs, so you just have shitty relationships across the board.”
4 Tips For A Successful Threesome
Having a threesome, but feeling left out.? Here's four things you can do to help.
Are You ‘Bad at Polyamory’, Or Is Your Partner the Problem?
Maybe you're “bad at polyamory”. Or maybe, just maybe, you are in an unsupportive, incompatible relationship with a partner who is unwilling/unable to take acco
Polyamory and Boundaries
Hard truth: no matter what you do, you actually have zero control over what anyone else thinks and does. You can make agreements that are aligned with your valu
Are Your Boundaries Just Incompatible?
Chemistry isn't enough — sometimes you and a partner are both doing everything right and still can't make it work. Here's why compatibility matters.
Are You Bad at Polyamory, Or…
Are you "bad at polyamory", or were you just not taught anything other than monogamy?
Your Partner May Date Differently From You - And That’s Okay.
“If my partner can get into bed with someone else so quickly, what does that mean about our sexual relationship?”
Honesty in Relationships
A relationship built on honesty is not simply about being honest with each other, but also creating a safe space for your partner to be honest with you and have
Should You Compromise Or Break Up?
An uncomfortable truth: you simply cannot control your partner's desires, no matter how much they may upset you. A little compromise is healthy in all relations
How Abusers Use Polyamory To Manipulate
Abusers hide behind polyamory and BDSM to justify control. Learn the red flags so you never mistake manipulation for a relationship style.
Is It Okay To Say “You’re Mine” in Polyamory?
Friendly reminder that it's okay to make possessive statements like "you're mine" and "you belong to me" with your partners as a polyamorous person, as long as
Why Discussing Polyamory In A Monogamous Relationship is not Cheating
If you think about it, saying “if my partner asks me for an open relationship, that's cheating" is not that dissimilar from saying “if my partner realises they'
Why Complacency Kills Relationships
Complacency is what I find kills most long term relationships. People thinking that just because you're in a relationship now, or just because you got a ring on
What is 'Tolyamory'?
Tolyamory is a new term coined by Dan Savage last year, which refers to relationships that are, in principle, monogamous, but where the people involved turn a b
Why Attraction To Others Isn’t Cheating
Attraction to others while in a relationship is normal, expected, and not cheating in itself, and I'm tired of pretending it isn't a super common thing that hap
Proposing an Open Relationship Is Not Cheating
Proposing an open relationship to your partner is not cheating. You may be upset about it. It may not be what you want, and you'd be perfectly within your right
The 2 Core Commitments of Successful Polyamory
There are two types of commitment you need for a polyamorous relationship to be sustainable and fulfilling for everyone involved:
Your Feelings Deserve To Be Heard
You deserve to express your hurt feelings about a situation, even if there is nothing that can be done to fix the situation. And you deserve people in your life
“Why Don’t You Just Tell People To Leave?”
In my peer support sessions, the vast majority of my clients come to me because they’re experiencing some kind of problem in their relationship.
Partners Don’t Just Exist To “Meet Needs”
“as a poly lady i get asked this a lot, but i truly do not understand the question "if you already have people who make you happy and fulfill your needs, why do
Why Opening Up From Infidelity Is Harder
“My partner keeps cheating on me, so we're trying polyamory with the person he cheated on me with. Any thoughts?”
Check In Before Sharing Distressing Information
Checking in with someone before you share something that might be potentially distressing or require some emotional support/labour from them is not only a decen
“Casual” Can Be Anything But
When I refer to casual relationships, I refer to them in the colloquial sense of sexual, but not romantic. But those connections, for me, are anything but casua
Lies you were told about being in a relationship
Let’s just get right into it.
You Are Not At Fault For Clear Communication
When a monogamous person is upset that you, a polyamorous person, still don't want a monogamous relationship just because they caught feelings and suddenly don'
Unconditional Love Can be Problematic
Unpopular opinion: breaking up should always be an option - no matter how much you love them, no matter how long you've been together, and no matter what entang
Check In With Your Partners this Holiday Season
If you're spending time with family with one/some of your partners but not others (which sucks, but can happen for a wide variety of reasons), how are you showi
Some Boundaries Aren’t Valid, Actually
Yes, you can technically set whatever boundaries you want in a relationship, and if your partner’s happy to respect them and no one’s getting hurt, then you do
Strengthening Relationships with Courageous Conversations
I did not arrive in adulthood with a lot of communication tools. I knew how to be passive-aggressive and manipulative, and how to pretend I didn't need or want
Non-Monogamy and Visibility: Coping Strategies for Hidden Partners
If you decide to date someone who cannot be publicly non-monogamous, it’s a good idea to have a frank discussion about what that will and will not include befor
Honestly Isn’t Harmful
I used to say: you can't hurt me with the truth. But you know what? Sometimes the truth does hurt, so I've since amended that to be: you cannot harm me by being
Revisions!
My blog is 8 years old now, and while I stand behind my writing on this site, it is not without flaws. Whether they be in grammar or content, I am going to be c
Is the Bedroom Sacred?
Some musings on inviting other people into the bed I share with my partner.
Weaponized Autonomy
You are absolutely entitled ALWAYS to decide for yourself what you want to say and do. You have FULL CONTROL over that. That's 100% true.
Supporting my Primary Partner Through Heartbreak
Supporting a partner through heartbreak (over someone else) isn't always straightforward.
Co-dependency is Killing your Relationship
Love and need are not the same thing. Learn to spot codependent patterns early, set boundaries, and build relationships where both people remain whole.
Is he passionate or controlling?
Intensity can look like love — until it doesn't. Here's how to tell the difference between passion and control before things get dangerous.
Speaking Their Love Language: an Obligation or a Choice?
I wrote this in response to an online post which stated that learning a partner’s love language was never intended for you to feel obligated to fill their needs
My Top 20 Tips for Great Group Sex
So, you’ve decided to dip your toes into group sex? OR you have before but are hoping to increase the odds of a positive experience? OR you just are curious AF?
What’s Considered “Cheating” in Non-Monogamy?
A large number of posts in non-monogamous groups ask whether or not something could be considered "cheating." Thoughtful responses challenging the notion as a c
Punishment is not a Component of Forgiveness
Tell me if this sounds familiar: Blue and Green are in a relationship. Blue does something that hurts Green. Blue apologizes to Green, makes amends, and changes
Negotiating New Relationships
Whether you're brand new to non-monogamy or a seasoned practitioner, negotiating the scope and terms of a new relationship can feel daunting. What should you di
What Do I Ask A Potential New Partner?
Traditional dating within a monogamous framework has somewhat of a script to work with . . . Do you have/want children? Are you a smoker? What’s your attitude t
Receiving “Open, Honest Communication” Takes Courage
I’m sure you’ve heard the key to a successful relationship is “open, honest communication.” While these terms mean something different to nearly everyone, most
Privacy is a Fundamental Right in Relationships
Privacy. That thing where you get to choose how much of your personal life is on display, yeah? Privacy is pretty critical to one’s emotional well-being and sen
Don’t Move In When You’re in NRE
The post Don’t Move In When You’re in NRE appeared first on Leanne Million Coaching.
Boundaries in Consensual Non-Monogamy
The post Boundaries in Consensual Non-Monogamy appeared first on Leanne Million Coaching.
Guest Blog: Finite Resources in Relationships
Love is abundant and not a zero sum game. That is, loving others will never reduce what’s available for others. We experience this all the time with friends, ch
When You Need Control, You’re Out of It
The post When You Need Control, You’re Out of It appeared first on Leanne Million Coaching.
Guest Blog: Great Sexpectations
Many assume non-monogamy is all about the sex. So much so, non-mono folks often avoid bringing it up as an aspect of relationships. But guess what? You should t
Emotional Libertarianism in Polyamory: Are We Responsible for Other People’s Feelings?
Emotional libertarianism sounds freeing, but is there a line between healthy autonomy and dodging accountability in polyamory? When it helps, when it harms.
What Love Languages Do You Speak and Understand?
If you read a lot about relationships in general, you’ve probably already come across The Five Love Languages, first coined by Gary Chapman in his book. While I
15 Common Red Flags in Polyamorous Relationships
EDIT JULY 2023: I was interviewed on the Sex & Psychology podcast about this article (a whole 2.5 years after writing it!) and you can hear an expansion of my o
Refining Personal Boundaries
I came to a difficult realization recently: a boundary I thought I had was not, in fact, a boundary. You see I had what I thought was a solid set of limits arou
Telling The Kids
One of the most common questions I see agonized over in ENM community groups is how to walk one’s children through the concept of intentional non-monogamy. The
Can I SAVE My Relationship?
The post Can I SAVE My Relationship? appeared first on Leanne Million Coaching.
Create Boundaries Not Walls
The post Create Boundaries Not Walls appeared first on Leanne Million Coaching.
Words and Actions
Recently I encountered a meme urging folks to fall in love with a person’s actions instead of their words. One’s actions, of course, speaking louder or being mo
Feelings Are Not Facts
Hey, how are you all? I’m okay . . . mostly. This is a strange time, yeah? If you struggle here and there with anxiety, wrestle with the old ghosts of a trauma
Your Metamour is Not the Problem
In online forums across teh interwebz, one question crops up more than daily: how do I get my metamour to stop doing xyz and negatively affecting my relationshi
Guest Blog: Acting out of Trust vs. Fear
Fear. Outside of our basic survival instincts, fear is perhaps the number one motivator for the human race. Maybe for all sentient life. Acting out of fear rar
Established Relationship Energy
Second in a two-part series covering both New Relationship Energy and Established Relationship Energy, this blog will focus on the latter. Established Relations
New Relationship Energy
First in a two-part series covering both New Relationship Energy and Established Relationship Energy, this blog will focus on the former. New relationship energ
Scarcity and Abundance Mindsets
I reference mindsets in non-monogamy a lot. In particular, the effect a scarcity mindset can have on how one approaches relationships, both in seeking and maint
Guest Blog: Building Obstacles to Autonomy
If you’re a frequent reader of this blog, you may have noticed the common thread of autonomy and how it applies to various types of relationships. Rusty and I s
Expect Autonomy
In my adulting adventures, I’ve been lucky enough to find myself in several communities that have high expectations of autonomy and accountability. To this end,
We All Make Mistakes . . .
I once had an English professor insist that no experience was truly universal. She was right to caution us against alienating readers with hyperbole, but if the
Mismatched Desire
Most non-monogamous people hail from amatonormative upbringings reinforced by pop culture, media, families of origin, etc. We work to unlearn that while trying
Guest Blog: Pitfalls of Passive Communication
Stop me if you've heard this before: “In a healthy relationship, it's all about communication, communication, communication!” I really should add a fourth one i
Happy Polydays!
Forgive me for the play on words. It couldn't be helped. 'Tis the season! It's a sentimental time. The observation of traditions, time off work, exchanging of g
When to Disclose
When do I tell someone I'm interested in that I'm polyamorous? I see this question posed a lot in online forums when the topic of dating is up for discussion. M
The Big Ask
It is really hard to ask for what you want. This isn't just a relationship issue - it's a fear issue. We don't want to want more of someone than they want to gi
Rules vs. Boundaries
A long time ago in a galaxy right next door to the one I'm in, I learned an important lesson about setting and enforcing boundaries. As a poly person, I've had
Scarcity Language
Words matter. Words matter so, so much. In general, our most oft used ones are created by and evolve to suit the needs of the dominant group. Those who practice
Courageous Conversations
If you have landed on this page, please click here to read a more current version of this essay: Strengthening Relationships with Courageous Conversations One o
Secrets and Security
If you have landed on this page, please click here to read a more current version of this essay: Non-Monogamy and Visibility: Coping Strategies for Hidden Partn
Honesty Doesn’t Hurt Me
If you have landed on this page, please click here to read a more current version of this essay: Honesty Isn't Harmful I say this to those closest to me quite a
