Strengthening Relationships with Courageous Conversations
I did not arrive in adulthood with a lot of communication tools. I knew how to be passive-aggressive and manipulative, and how to pretend I didn't need or want
75 articles by Rusty
RELATIONSHIPS
RELATIONSHIPS
Non-Monogamy and Visibility: Coping Strategies for Hidden Partners
If you decide to date someone who cannot be publicly non-monogamous, it’s a good idea to have a frank discussion about what that will and will not include befor
RELATIONSHIPS
Honestly Isn’t Harmful
I used to say: you can't hurt me with the truth. But you know what? Sometimes the truth does hurt, so I've since amended that to be: you cannot harm me by being
IDENTITY
Are You Really Polyamorous?
I haven’t felt like dating anyone new in a while. Years, actually. Every time I consider it, I feel incredibly tired and somewhat panicked about a little finite
RELATIONSHIPS
Revisions!
My blog is 8 years old now, and while I stand behind my writing on this site, it is not without flaws. Whether they be in grammar or content, I am going to be c
RELATIONSHIPS
What’s Considered “Cheating” in Non-Monogamy?
A large number of posts in non-monogamous groups ask whether or not something could be considered "cheating." Thoughtful responses challenging the notion as a c
RELATIONSHIPS
Punishment is not a Component of Forgiveness
Tell me if this sounds familiar: Blue and Green are in a relationship. Blue does something that hurts Green. Blue apologizes to Green, makes amends, and changes
RELATIONSHIPS
It Might Be Grief
If you can’t put your finger on why something feels wrong because no one is doing anything wrong, but you’re certain there’s something behind that wrong feeling
RELATIONSHIPS
Negotiating New Relationships
Whether you're brand new to non-monogamy or a seasoned practitioner, negotiating the scope and terms of a new relationship can feel daunting. What should you di
SELF CARE
Why Do Things Without Your Partner?
There was a time I believed being as alike as possible to someone was the key to romantic harmony. I considered becoming a single entity the goal of a long term
IDENTITY
What Do I Ask A Potential New Partner?
Traditional dating within a monogamous framework has somewhat of a script to work with . . . Do you have/want children? Are you a smoker? What’s your attitude t
SELF CARE
The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola: A Critical Review
As non-monogamous relationships become more socially acceptable, greater numbers of people are curious about whether or not it’s for them. While exploring, they
RELATIONSHIPS
Receiving “Open, Honest Communication” Takes Courage
I’m sure you’ve heard the key to a successful relationship is “open, honest communication.” While these terms mean something different to nearly everyone, most
SELF CARE
How Do I Manage My Partner’s Jealousy?
If your partner struggles with jealousy, you’ve probably asked yourself: “How can I keep my partner from feeling this way?” or “How do I help my partner manage
IDENTITY
Guest Blog: Relationship Anarchy . . . huh?
If you’re active in any form of non-monogamous community, you’ve likely come across the term “Relationship Anarchy” with increasing frequency. With that, you’ve
RELATIONSHIPS
Table Of Contents
After so many years, this pet project of mine has grown to 60+ entries, and I have no plans to stop . . . but that means the traditional blog format leaves some
RELATIONSHIPS
Polysaturation: Do I Have Enough To Give?
I appreciate the concept of polysaturation, a piece of wordplay I both admire for its cleverness and find useful in the discussion of non-monogamy, but I prefer
IDENTITY
Guest Blog: Is Dating Harder for Men in Non-Monogamy?
Non-monogamy makes dating harder for men! No. Let me reiterate that: no, it doesn’t.This is directed squarely at the largely cishet men so many of us have come
KINK
Privacy is a Fundamental Right in Relationships
Privacy. That thing where you get to choose how much of your personal life is on display, yeah? Privacy is pretty critical to one’s emotional well-being and sen
RELATIONSHIPS
Demystifying Hierarchy in Non-Monogamous Relationships
When you view your partners, and yourself, as autonomous individuals who exist in proximity to each other but aren’t defined by it, you’re rewarded with relatio
RELATIONSHIPS
Guest Blog: Finite Resources in Relationships
Love is abundant and not a zero sum game. That is, loving others will never reduce what’s available for others. We experience this all the time with friends, ch
RELATIONSHIPS
Five Whole Years
I rode in the passenger seat of one of my partners’ cars this evening, travelling to our next destination from a small gathering of fully vaccinated friends to
IDENTITY
Your Doctor Needs To Know
In 2016, when I was 40 freaking years old and a divorced mother of three, I had a doctor tell me I should not consent to having barrier-free sex with anyone who
RELATIONSHIPS
Looking Out for Newcomers to Ethical Non-Monogamy
Once upon a time I was bounced from a polyamory-focused group on social media for insisting that their tolerance of certain behaviors in the group created a saf
RELATIONSHIPS
Guest Blog: Great Sexpectations
Many assume non-monogamy is all about the sex. So much so, non-mono folks often avoid bringing it up as an aspect of relationships. But guess what? You should t
SELF CARE
When It’s Complosion, Not Compersion
** New Word Alert! Complosion: when you want to feel happy that your partner is experiencing something with someone else they are involved with, but it all blow
RELATIONSHIPS
Forgiving Yourself in Relationships
Folks navigating relationships in a monoamorous framework benefit from a wealth of resources related to their journey. In non-monogamy we’re often left using a
RELATIONSHIPS
Meeting the Metas
There are various approaches to metamour relationships in the non-monogamous dimension. Some folks prefer to never interact with their partners’ partners in an
RELATIONSHIPS
Refining Personal Boundaries
I came to a difficult realization recently: a boundary I thought I had was not, in fact, a boundary. You see I had what I thought was a solid set of limits arou
IDENTITY
What Does “Normal” Look Like in Non-Monogamy?
Normal. There’s a loaded word if ever there was one . . . Our sense of normal comes from what we see every day. It’s determined by what most folks do and find
RELATIONSHIPS
Telling The Kids
One of the most common questions I see agonized over in ENM community groups is how to walk one’s children through the concept of intentional non-monogamy. The
RELATIONSHIPS
Guest Blog: The Need to Know
A common stumbling block in relationships, non-monogamy in particular, is feeling like you must know what your partner is up to in order to feel safe in your re
RELATIONSHIPS
5 Things Every Newbie Needs to Watch Out For
I’m in an obnoxious amount of non-monogamy focused groups on social media. So many, in fact, that the majority of activity online most days is speed-reading the
RELATIONSHIPS
Friends With My Exes
Not long ago, I connected with a guy on a dating app who laughed when I mentioned I retain most of my former partners as friends. He made it a point to let me k
SELF CARE
Fostering Compersion
I wrote a while back about the greater non-monogamous community's idealization of compersion and holding it up as the opposite of jealousy. This implies jealous
RELATIONSHIPS
BIPOC Voices in Nonmonogamy
Note: This blog post was written in the summer of 2020, shortly after the horrific murder of George Floyd in my hometown of Minneapolis. I am committed to keepi
RELATIONSHIPS
Words and Actions
Recently I encountered a meme urging folks to fall in love with a person’s actions instead of their words. One’s actions, of course, speaking louder or being mo
RELATIONSHIPS
Feelings Are Not Facts
Hey, how are you all? I’m okay . . . mostly. This is a strange time, yeah? If you struggle here and there with anxiety, wrestle with the old ghosts of a trauma
RELATIONSHIPS
Parallel Polyamory Sans Privilege
There are those who prefer little-to-no interaction with metamours, opting instead for what is known as parallel polyamory: a structuring of relationships in su
RELATIONSHIPS
Assume the Best
In nearly every corner of the nonmonogamous community at the moment, you’ll find a rousing debate about how folks should be structuring their time with partners
IDENTITY
Dismantling Romantic Relationship Primacy
We do a thing in the society I live in where we elevate our romantic relationships above all other connections. Sometimes that’s a good thing, for example: if y
RELATIONSHIPS
Your Metamour is Not the Problem
In online forums across teh interwebz, one question crops up more than daily: how do I get my metamour to stop doing xyz and negatively affecting my relationshi
RELATIONSHIPS
Guest Blog: Acting out of Trust vs. Fear
Fear. Outside of our basic survival instincts, fear is perhaps the number one motivator for the human race. Maybe for all sentient life. Acting out of fear rar
SELF CARE
Imposter Syndrome: I am so bad at poly!!
I suffer from Imposter Syndrome: the phenomenon of feeling like you suck at something regardless of evidence to the contrary. That label rings true for me when
RELATIONSHIPS
Guest Blog: Chemistry vs. Compatibility
Chemistry and compatibility are tricky things in relationships. Whether you’re mono or non-mono, you’ll likely come across someone you are super compatible with
IDENTITY
Established Relationship Energy
Second in a two-part series covering both New Relationship Energy and Established Relationship Energy, this blog will focus on the latter. Established Relations
RELATIONSHIPS
New Relationship Energy
First in a two-part series covering both New Relationship Energy and Established Relationship Energy, this blog will focus on the former. New relationship energ
RELATIONSHIPS
Scarcity and Abundance Mindsets
I reference mindsets in non-monogamy a lot. In particular, the effect a scarcity mindset can have on how one approaches relationships, both in seeking and maint
RELATIONSHIPS
Guest Blog: Building Obstacles to Autonomy
If you’re a frequent reader of this blog, you may have noticed the common thread of autonomy and how it applies to various types of relationships. Rusty and I s
SELF CARE
The Heart is a Muscle
The heart is a muscle. That’s a statement of obvious anatomy, but I think of the metaphorical heart as a muscle as well. One that flexes and contracts with a sm
RELATIONSHIPS
Guest Blog: Coming Out as Non-Monogamous
In a perfect world, coming out wouldn’t be necessary; we would feel free to be our authentic selves and live our lives without negative consequences. But in mos
RELATIONSHIPS
Expect Autonomy
In my adulting adventures, I’ve been lucky enough to find myself in several communities that have high expectations of autonomy and accountability. To this end,
RELATIONSHIPS
We All Make Mistakes . . .
I once had an English professor insist that no experience was truly universal. She was right to caution us against alienating readers with hyperbole, but if the
RELATIONSHIPS
Mismatched Desire
Most non-monogamous people hail from amatonormative upbringings reinforced by pop culture, media, families of origin, etc. We work to unlearn that while trying
RELATIONSHIPS
Guest Blog: Support Networks
As with any group that doesn't follow the dominant narrative, finding support as a non-monogamous person is not the easiest thing. Support networks are often ta
SELF CARE
Self-Love Languages
Lately, I’ve become enamored with the idea that we have a language we prefer to care for ourselves in. If you’re not familiar with The 5 Love Languages, take a
RELATIONSHIPS
Sometimes I’m Lonely
There are those outside of the non-monogamous community who see it as a sure-fire cure for loneliness. All the partners all the time! Lol, no. I am here to tell
RELATIONSHIPS
Guest Blog: Pitfalls of Passive Communication
Stop me if you've heard this before: “In a healthy relationship, it's all about communication, communication, communication!” I really should add a fourth one i
RELATIONSHIPS
Gratitude
I recently had an epiphany related to an insecurity I have. I fear losing what I don't actively attach to when access to that thing is under the control of some
RELATIONSHIPS
Partnership
Not too long ago, I was asked what the term "partner" meant to me. I think I said it was feeling like I was part of a team working towards the common goal of a
RELATIONSHIPS
Happy Polydays!
Forgive me for the play on words. It couldn't be helped. 'Tis the season! It's a sentimental time. The observation of traditions, time off work, exchanging of g
RELATIONSHIPS
When to Disclose
When do I tell someone I'm interested in that I'm polyamorous? I see this question posed a lot in online forums when the topic of dating is up for discussion. M
SELF CARE
The Big Ask
It is really hard to ask for what you want. This isn't just a relationship issue - it's a fear issue. We don't want to want more of someone than they want to gi
RELATIONSHIPS
Desperately Seeking Normal
One of the reasons I write this blog is to contribute in whatever small way I can to the normalization of polyamory. I want the way I love to not be weird to pe
RELATIONSHIPS
The Metamour Connection
I have two very different romantic relationships: an open relationship with a woman whose other partnerships are pursued without any obligation to me as far as
RELATIONSHIPS
Rules vs. Boundaries
A long time ago in a galaxy right next door to the one I'm in, I learned an important lesson about setting and enforcing boundaries. As a poly person, I've had
RELATIONSHIPS
Perspectives on Special
A challenge I face as a polyamorous person in a primarily monogamous society is working to unlearn what my culture has taught me about certain concepts. One of
SELF CARE
Pocket Monster: Envy
Jealousy is a thing, peeps. It is the dead horse beaten on a regular basis when discussions of polyamory are on the table, but that's because It Is A Thing. And
IDENTITY
Scarcity Language
Words matter. Words matter so, so much. In general, our most oft used ones are created by and evolve to suit the needs of the dominant group. Those who practice
IDENTITY
What it Looks Like
I am dealing with a medical issue in my damn hand that makes it very hard to type, so this week's post is going to lean pretty heavily on an external link I thi
RELATIONSHIPS
7 Things Not To Say to a Polyamorous Person
Most of my friends identify as monogamous. They are lovely and caring and only want to see me happy! I am delighted to have them ask me questions about ethical
RELATIONSHIPS
Courageous Conversations
If you have landed on this page, please click here to read a more current version of this essay: Strengthening Relationships with Courageous Conversations One o
KINK
Secrets and Security
If you have landed on this page, please click here to read a more current version of this essay: Non-Monogamy and Visibility: Coping Strategies for Hidden Partn
RELATIONSHIPS
Honesty Doesn’t Hurt Me
If you have landed on this page, please click here to read a more current version of this essay: Honesty Isn't Harmful I say this to those closest to me quite a
RELATIONSHIPS
Meant To Be
**Originally written in 2016, this posted was updated in July of 2024. One of my favorite poly-epiphanies is this: my partners are with me because they want to
