UPDATED Nonmonogamous Relationship Agreements Checklist

I use this document with clients - and have published an agreements checklist on Substack before. This is an updated version, revised to feature more questions to prompt deeper dialogue, as well as a few subtopics not previously included.

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NEGOTIATING NONMONOGAMY AGREEMENTS

___CONVERSATION PROMPTS___

Before you establish or adjust agreements, it’s important to talk through the nature of what you’re building together, and how your agreements can serve as a reflection of your values. Build understanding with your partner by talking through each of the elements below. Ideally you’ll collaborate to create expectations that reflect your desires, capacity, and commitments.

Identify and honor the intent in your agreements, rather than policing each other, getting caught up in a power struggle and/or arguing over insignificant details. In some cases, it might be ok to leave things loose rather than rigid. You might find that you crave more structure or detail than your partner(s) who prefer more flexibility, or vice versa. Try to find a balance.

Agreements can each be framed as shared practices or individual preferences. One partner may request something the other doesn’t - and that’s ok. Remember that making these agreements won’t prevent difficult feelings. What we’re doing, instead, is cultivating understanding so we can anticipate difficulty and build practices to support and care for each other.

Note that agreements are also living documents: they can and should be revisited together as relationships evolve.

RELATIONSHIP VALUES AND EMOTIONAL AGREEMENTS

Think about and identify the principles of nonmonogamy that anchor and define your values. This can be helpful to ground you when things are difficult, and in the process of structuring your relationship(s). In conversation, this is where a lot of the real vulnerability lives. Talk through what you each need in order to feel emotionally secure, and where your boundaries currently are with respect to romantic or emotional depth with others. You may not have answers to all of these prompts yet, and that’s okay.

Why choose nonmonogamy?

What values do we want to prioritize across our relationships?

What does being “chosen” or feeling secure look like for each of us?

What does commitment mean to each of us within our current relationship structure?

What agreements would feel supportive around emotional or romantic expression with other partners?

What expectations do we have around emotional intimacy with others?

How do we want to approach jealousy, insecurity, or other difficult emotions?

How do we want to approach situations where our needs, desires, or relationships are in conflict?

How do we see our nonmonogamy evolving, and do we want to pace ourselves accordingly?

What agreements do we want around shared spaces and possessions, including our home, shared rituals, sentimental items, places or things that feel special to us?

QUALITY TIME & (RE)CONNECTION PRACTICES

Being in open relationship means being more intentional about cultivating your connection. Talk through what reconnection and quality time actually look like for each of you, separate from processing ruptures and other relationships.

What rituals might help us feel reassured, connected, and cared for?

What does quality time mean and look like to each of us?

When and how do we want to reconnect after dates or time spent with other partners?

Would it be helpful for us to create separate containers for processing conversations versus quality/reconnection time with each other?

What kind of language feels supportive and/or reassuring?

What kinds of questions feel helpful or unhelpful after one of us has been with another partner?

What kind of space and time do we each prefer before we process and then reconnect?

COMMUNICATION AND TRANSPARENCY EXPECTATIONS

It’s important to get on the same page in terms of what communication and information you expect from your partner(s). Note that you can make different requests of each other. For example, one partner might want all of the juicy details after a date (if that’s okay with the other party), while some prefer not to hear any details at all.

What communication and notification expectations would be helpful when anticipating and making plans with others?

What information do we want, or not want to receive, immediately following dates with others?

How much communication do we each want to ask for or offer during or after time spent with other partners?

How do we want to handle communication around spontaneous encounters?

What disclosures might be helpful as our other relationships evolve?

PRIVACY AND DISCLOSURE WITH OTHERS

Consider how private or public you want your nonmonogamy (and some of the difficulties that might arise) to be - with each other, with other partners, and with the wider world. You may land in different places here, and other partners in the picture will have their own boundaries and requests - which need to be considered and respected too.

What information about our relationship(s) are we comfortable sharing - with partners, friends, family, at work, publicly?

What kind of information feels sensitive or significant, in a way that might need special privacy consideration?

How do we want to communicate and respect privacy requests made by other partners?

What do we consider to be the difference between “sharing” and “processing” the challenges we encounter?

What specific topics or subject matter feels supportive versus destructive to process with friends, other partners, family, helping professionals, and/or in community?

TIME, LABOR & FINANCIAL AGREEMENTS

Get specific about how time, energy, and existing responsibilities are organized and accounted for, so new relationships don’t come at the expense of commitments you’ve already made to each other.

What agreements do we want around timing, overnights, and the cadence of dates with others?

How do we account for shared responsibilities like childcare, household labor, or other commitments when making plans with others?

How do we account for and navigate expenditures on others?

How do we want to allocate and balance time spent with other partners with time spent together?

How much advance notice do we generally want for dates, overnights, trips, or other plans?

How do we want to approach shared versus separate holidays, events, and vacations?

SAFER SEX PRACTICES

While there is no such thing as perfectly “safe” sex, these agreements can help enhance your physical and emotional safety, without policing desire. Get specific about what you each need in order to feel safe engaging with others sexually, including what happens if something doesn’t go as planned.

What barrier methods do we want to use - with which partners and for which activities?

What are our expectations around STI testing for ourselves and other partners?

What circumstances might prompt additional testing?

How should we share sexual health information and/or exposure with one another?

Are there particular sex acts that we want to take off the table with other partners?

What expectations do we have around group play, or attending play events together and/or with other partners?

What information or communication do we want before or after group play?

What other logistical considerations do we want to establish around sexual encounters with others?

OTHER CONSIDERATIONS

Power Dynamics and “Hierarchy”

The concept of “hierarchy” in the nonmonogamous community is quite charged, and many feel pressured to define themselves as one or the other - hierarchical or nonhierarchical. Remember that “hierarchy” implies a ranking system - the etymology stems back to meaning “ruler” - someone leveraging power over others. It can be helpful to establish understanding that one partner should never be empowered to exert control over anyone else’s relationship. (For example, no “veto” power.) But saying you’re “hierarchical” or “nonhierarchical” doesn’t necessarily account for the various factors at play. There are myriad ways that power dynamics can operate under the surface - in your own relationship and with other partners - if you don’t openly confront those dynamics. Race, gender, sexuality, income/finances, career status, property ownership, family history all affect our relationship dynamics as well as the implicit and literal currencies in our day to day lives. For example: women might see more action on Feeld, but might be or feel less safe dating and attending play events on their own. Or if one partner has wealth privilege, and can fly their partners around the world to spend time with them, that might be something you want to talk about and account for in your agreements. It can also be especially helpful to discuss power dynamics in session with a practitioner, who can help identify how and where those power dynamics operate and to help facilitate awareness and accountability.

Kitchen Table, Garden Party, and Parallel Nonmonogamy

Do you want to invite other partners to integrate into your relationship and social life? Do you like the idea of partners being friendly and connected with each other and other elements of your life, or would you like certain agreements and expectations in place about your interactions with your metas?

Community

Transitioning into nonmonogamy can be an overwhelming endeavor, because it’s ultimately the work of dismantling pervasive, mononormative conditioning. Some of us endure subtle or harsh judgement from family and friends, or navigate complicated feelings around whether we’re making the “right” choices for ourselves, without much modeling to look to. While you’re getting busy swiping through Feeld and Fetlife for dates, don’t forget to build community too. Are there online groups, local munches (nonsexual meetups for nonmonogamous and/or kinky people), or even one or two friends in your wider network that you can talk to and build relationships with? This doesn’t mean you have to abandon friendships, just integrate your new relationship style into other aspects of your social life.

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___EXAMPLES OF AGREEMENTS___

Remember that these agreements are yours. Format them in a way that feels like a fit for your relationship. You can create a Google Doc - a living text that you can adjust accordingly and revisit to track changes. Or you can print and post agreements in your home. You can your write values on Post Its and stick them around your house as a fun reminder. Or maybe, depending on the nature of your preferences and the style of your agreements, it’s enough to discuss these agreements together and then carry them forward without keeping any physical record or document.

I’ve provided examples in different formats and with different tone below deliberately, to encourage you to design your own, rather than rely too heavily on the scripts offered here. Your agreements can be playful, formal, detailed, and/or broad. And remember that it can be helpful to specify specific requests or expectations for each partner.

Remember the examples below are just that - examples. Some simply may not apply to your relationship, and they are not exhaustive.

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