The Opportunity in Conflict

We’re deeply conditioned to believe that conflict in romantic relationship is inherently and exclusively bad. It’s as subtle as casual boasts like “we never fight” and as pervasive as the deeply programmed concept of “happily ever after.” But there are implications in these narratives that simply don’t make sense.

When we choose partners, we subconsciously gravitate toward individuals who trigger our wounds. Friction emerges when those wounds are activated, when we stumble into our most vulnerable insecurities in relationship, when we’re forced to confront our destructive patterns, when we’re simply different from our partners in our habits and behaviors. Cultural conditioning tells us romantic relationship is what matters most, and there is so much pressure wrapped up in our ideas of love and what it’s supposed to look like. And being nonmonogamous - having multiple relationships - means managing more complicated configurations and a guarantee that insecurities and patterning will surface.

A quote from Maya Angelou comes to mind: “Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure…” Conflict works the same way.

(And in nonmonogamy, a lot of that friction shows up within the context of jealousy. So the framing is fitting you see...)

Before I get too far in, I want to be clear that I’m not advocating for conflict for its own sake. And certainly not for persistent, destructive, permanent conflict. Like literally everything else, conflict and peace exist on a spectrum, and healthy relationship means maintaining a delicate balance. Constant conflict - especially conflict that is never truly repaired - does indeed lead to resentment and division. But the notion that conflict is exclusively negative relies on the idea that conflict is always irreparable.

That’s the key - conflict offers opportunity for repair. And repair can be deeply bonding.

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