My Partner Says They Can’t Reassure Me Enough — Am I Asking Too Much?

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Kitty Chambliss with Ellicia Paine, guest on the Loving Without Boundaries podcast

No, you’re not asking too much. But something in the pattern probably does need to shift — and the shift isn’t “ask for less.” It’s “get some of what you need from somewhere other than your partner’s mouth.”

Here’s a moment that’s stayed with me since I first heard it from Ellecia Paine, a non-monogamous relationship coach who’s been doing this work — living it and coaching it — for over a decade. Early in her relationship with her now-husband, he said something to her that I think about all the time: “I feel like I can’t reassure you enough. It’s like this bottomless pit I’m trying to fill with love and reassurance, and I’m getting exhausted. I don’t know how else to tell you I love you and I’m not leaving. You’re going to have to do that.”

That’s not a partner being cruel. That’s a partner who has genuinely run out of road. And if you’ve ever been on the receiving end of a version of that sentence, I know exactly how it lands — like proof you’re too much, too needy, asking for something no reasonable person should have to keep supplying. That’s not what it means. It means the reassurance is coming from only one source, and one source was never going to be enough to fill that particular tank.

Ellecia’s own honesty about this is what makes it useful: it took her roughly five years of real, deliberate inner work to get to a place where she wasn’t asking her partner to be the entire proof that she was safe, wanted, and enough. Five years. Not because she was doing it wrong, but because that’s genuinely how long it takes to build an internal sense of security that doesn’t live inside someone else’s words.

The reassurance you’re asking for isn’t the problem. The problem is when it’s the only tool in the kit — when there’s no self-sourced version of “I’m going to be okay” sitting underneath it. That’s not a character flaw either. Nobody hands you that skill. You build it, the same way you’d build any other one — deliberately, with practice, ideally with real support instead of white-knuckling it alone.

You get to keep asking for reassurance. That’s allowed, and it’s not a burden your partner should have to carry in silence if it’s hard for them — that’s worth an honest conversation, not a guilt trip on either side. But the goal isn’t to need it less because you’ve shamed yourself out of needing it. The goal is to build enough of your own internal ground that reassurance becomes a nice-to-have instead of the only thing holding you up.

About This Episode

Ellecia Paine is a non-monogamous relationship coach and host of the Nope, We’re Not Monogamous podcast, with over a decade of experience living and coaching ethical non-monogamy, polyamory, and swinging. She helps clients move through jealousy and insecurity toward genuine trust and open communication.

In this episode, Ellecia and Kitty talk about the years-long process of learning to source security internally instead of solely through a partner’s reassurance, and the honest conversation Ellecia had with her own husband when his capacity to keep reassuring her ran out.

Full Episode Transcript

Coming up on today’s show, Ellecia Paine helps people break free from monogamous conditioning, guiding them through the exciting world of ethical non-monogamy, polyamory, and swinging. She turns challenges like jealousy and insecurity into trust and open communication. As the host of the Nope, We’re Not Monogamous podcast, Ellecia champions authentic connection with a decade of living and coaching non-monogamy.

Welcome to Loving Without Boundaries, where we hear inspiring stories, share actionable advice, and talk about the challenges and the joys of ethical non-monogamy and polyamory. I’m your host, Kitty Chambliss. Coming up, my conversation with Ellecia Paine.

I’d love it if you’d share a little about yourself in your own words.

Sure — I’m Ellecia. I’m non-monogamous, I’m the host of Nope, We’re Not Monogamous, and I’m a non-monogamous relationship coach. I help people navigate the ups and downs that come with doing relationships outside the box — jealousy, insecurity, scary things.

Was there a light bulb moment for you?

I was married monogamously for 13 years, had two kids, did the whole white-picket-fence thing. When I got divorced — for reasons that had nothing to do with monogamy — I was 35, and I thought, I don’t want another husband, but I don’t want to cheat either, so I’m just going to be honest about wanting more than one connection. I didn’t know anyone who was actually poly or non-monogamous at the time. I just knew I’d always been pretty jealous and possessive, so I figured I’d probably have to do something about that. Then about three months later I met my now-husband, who told me right away he was polyamorous and already dating other people. I said, cool, you do you — and then we started falling in love, and I remember thinking, oh God, this is really hard. I’m going to have to figure out how to have the thing I want without living in an emotional spiral all the time.

What were some of the biggest challenges early on, and how did you move through them?

Jealousy was probably the biggest one. Somebody asked me recently how long it took before I wasn’t just in a primal panic over it, and honestly — at least five years. Five or six years of real, deep inner work. Part of what helped was that I wanted non-monogamy more than I wanted to stop feeling how I was feeling. I had a real North Star pulling me forward, so I had to actually deal with the insecurities and the self-worth stuff underneath it, instead of just white-knuckling through.

I went to school thinking I’d become a women’s sexual empowerment coach, and ended up becoming a relationship coach instead — a lot of that shift came out of doing real work on who I was, what I wanted, and healing a lot of old wounds from past relationships and childhood. I wanted to find confidence and worth that didn’t depend on a partner constantly telling me I was pretty, or loved, or safe.

I remember, maybe in the first couple years of our relationship, my husband said something to me I still think about. He said, “I feel like I can’t reassure you enough. It’s like this bottomless pit I’m trying to fill with love and reassurance, and I’m getting exhausted. I don’t know how else to tell you I love you and I’m not leaving — you’re going to have to do that.” And I remember thinking, okay. I’m going to dig in.

That’s such an honest moment for both of you to have shared. What did digging in actually look like?

A lot of it was just working on how I felt about myself, separate from what anyone else was reflecting back to me. Building genuine self-worth and confidence that didn’t evaporate the second I wasn’t getting external reassurance in that exact moment.

Since you’ve navigated your own jealousy so directly, what would you tell someone who’s right in the middle of it?

It’s going to happen — there are people who don’t experience jealousy, the same way there are people who don’t experience happiness, but that’s not the norm. So expect it. And when it shows up, it doesn’t automatically mean something bad is happening. What I find helps most is just taking a beat — slowing down instead of reacting to the big emotion in the moment, because otherwise you fly off the handle, and later you’re the one having to clean it up and apologize.

And work with someone. Get a coach, a therapist, a community — something outside your own head. When you’re in your own silo trying to figure it out alone, you can’t see what you can’t see. You don’t know what you don’t know. Get people around you who can be a sounding board, and journal everything out so you’re not just spinning in your own skull.

Is there anything else that comes up often with the people you coach?

The desire to be on the same page as your partner, constantly — and how that can actually stop people from being honest about what they really want. People will say yes to something because they want to match their partner, when what they actually want is something different, or something slower, or something they’re scared to admit out loud. My advice is always: put everything on the table. You don’t have to act on all of it. But you do have to know what’s actually true for you before you can build something real together.

Thank you so much for your honesty here today, Ellecia. Where can people find you and your work?

My website is ElleciaPaine.com, and you can find me on Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube. My podcast is Nope, We’re Not Monogamous.

Thanks for tuning in to today’s show. If you like what you heard, are struggling with some aspect of your relationships, and you’re interested in seeing if you’re a fit to work with me as your relationship coach, here’s what I invite you to do next. Head over to lovingwithoutboundaries.com/apply — that’s lovingwithoutboundaries.com/apply — and book a call to speak with me. I’ll get on the phone with you for about 45 minutes, and we’ll get you crystal clear on three things. Number one, exactly what’s not working well in your relationships right now. Number two, ideally, where you’d like to be and what might be getting in the way. Number three, the exact strategy to get you there, helping to close that gap. Remember, creating healthy, open relationships does not typically happen by itself. Many often need expert guidance to make it happen. We’ve helped clients all over the world feel safe, happy, and secure in open relationships while not losing their mind or their cherished partners. To see if we can help you do the same, head over to lovingwithoutboundaries.com/apply. I’m Kitty Chambliss, and let’s talk soon.

If This Is Where You Are Right Now

You don’t have to white-knuckle your way through this alone. I wrote the Jealousy Survival Guide for exactly this moment — the one where you’re asking for reassurance again and wondering if you’re asking too much. You’re not too much. There’s a path to building that security inside yourself, too.

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KITTY CHAMBLISS, Master Coach (ICF-Certified), CPC
Relationship Coach | Speaker | Educator | Trauma-Informed
Author of “Jealousy Survival Guide: How to feel safe, happy, and secure in an open relationship”

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