SELF CARE

Why are we afraid of loneliness?

Does being alone have to mean being lonely? I don’t believe being alone and being lonely are always synonymous. In my experience (and clinical understanding), b

✦ BY NICOLE SONNEFELDT

SEPTEMBER 25, 2026

Hello to my Substack Subscribers, and thanks for your patience in my lack of posts - I’ve finally landed back in the states after spending two weeks traveling throughout Europe, my first (and much needed) vacation since dedicating myself to Freeform as my full time job. After spending 10 rejuvenating days exploring Croatia solo, the trip ended in the most beautiful wedding celebration I’ve ever attended in Venice, Italy. Words cannot express how grateful I am to have spent time on this picturesque, art-filled island with so many inspiring friends who I love. Many amazing memories were created, and many happy tears were cried!

While traveling, I reflected a lot on a theme that came up repeatedly as I prepared for my trip: loneliness. Through conversations with clients, friends, and bar customers prior to leaving, I noticed that most of the people I talked with seemed to feel deeply uncomfortable about the premise of being alone.

“Don’t you feel lonely?”

This is a question I’m asked often, yet it becomes more puzzling to me as time goes on. Beyond my love for solo travel, I’ve lived alone for almost 6 years, and it’s been years since I’ve had what most would consider a committed romantic partnership - which has been an intentional choice. I keep thinking to myself, why is it that people ask me this question as if being alone is a bad thing? If you’ve followed me for a while, you probably already know that I don’t believe in such a thing as good or bad emotions. Being lonely can certainly feel uncomfortable, especially if it’s an emotion you’re not familiar with. But like any other emotion, the more you allow yourself to feel loneliness, the less intense the emotion feels.

Although I’m naturally outgoing, alone time is something I’ve always cherished. As a kid, I loved spending time alone with my imagination, usually resulting in some form of creative expression. I’m not saying that I never felt lonely, but I learned to channel my loneliness into writing, creative arts, and dance. I was also highly social - the kid that was constantly in trouble for talking too much in class. Today, I spend A LOT of time talking to people. Between my client work, and bartending for supplemental income, my social battery often feels depleted after a busy week. It’s possible that my people-oriented career choice is part of why I was looking forward to sitting on the beach in a small coastal town. But when I reflect on how I’ve spent my life both enjoying solitude and time in connection with others, I think there’s something here about striking a healthy balance between the two.

Does being alone have to mean being lonely?

I don’t believe being alone and being lonely are always synonymous. In my experience (and clinical understanding), being alone with yourself forces you to be in connection with yourself. My number one hypothesis about where this idea comes from - that being alone is one in the same as loneliness - is the impact social media and dating apps have had on our psyches. We’ve become so addicted to the dopamine created by likes and matches, that instead of feeling a sense of validation from living authentically, our primary source of validation comes from others. When you’re alone, there is no one there to provide us with that external validation we’ve become so accustomed to.

Social media also drives us to compare ourselves to others, usually to our detriment. We watch others curate their lives, rarely seeing the difficult parts. Our internet friends post themselves at parties and on trips having fun with their perfect group of friends. We watch them travel the world with their partners, telling the story of their perfect relationship. It makes me wonder if, subconsciously, some are afraid to be alone for how it may be perceived. What will our followers think if they see us doing things alone? Will they think we have no friends or that we’re a failure for not having the perfect partner to travel with? I’ve witnessed the way social media and these thought processes it causes have deeply injured the self esteem of many of my clients. I’ve also experienced this, too - when I was in my Master’s program I disabled all of my social media because I had such a hard time watching others have fun, while all I had time for was work and school.

Connection to yourself facilitates connection with others

Being alone is so uncomfortable because it forces us to shift our focus inward, something that’s become so rare in the modern age. We’ve been taught to think that social media and dating apps facilitate more connection, yet it’s made us severely disconnected from ourselves. The reality is that connection to your most authentic self is a requirement to be in healthy connection with others. As the connection to yourself grows stronger, you build more authentic and meaningful relationships with others.

One of the things I love most about solo travel is just that - the way having time to reconnect with myself opens the door to some of the most genuine connections I’ve ever experienced. While traveling, I love talking with the locals and other travelers, learning about their day to day, their cultures and their outlooks on life. I’d also be lying if I said I didn’t love a vacation fling, because there’s a certain freedom in these short lived connections. There’s no agenda in these relationships except to enjoy the present moment while you have it. And I’m sure that the unlikelihood of ever seeing the fling again takes away our impulse to mask or impress.

After being home for two days, I’m shocked that I’m not feeling the post-vacation blues. Instead, I feel a sense of freedom and confidence, like something heavy I have been carrying slowly dissipated as I moved my way through Croatia to Venice. I almost feel younger and more joyful, like this time spent alone reconnected me with the younger parts of myself that become neglected in the day to day grind. I’m finding myself more capable at being authentic with others, even during the hardest conversations.

Funny enough, before I left for this trip I began writing about what it means to have a secure attachment to yourselves, and how to build it. If you’re reading this and wondering how the hell to feel more comfortable with alone time, or how to build a connection with yourself that facilitates genuine connection with others, you’ll be finding some answers in my next post.

Thanks for reading Freeform Coaching for Conscious Non-Monogamy! This post is public so feel free to share it.

Some favorite moments from my trip -

Zagreb, Croatia