Secure Attachment to Self

Like most people who practice non-monogamy, it took years for my nervous system to catch up to feeling safe practicing solo polyamory - despite logically knowing that this is what I’ve always wanted. As a part of that work, I had to shift the focus from my relationships with others, to focusing on my relationship with myself. I found that without a secure relationship with myself, it felt impossible to stay grounded in what I wanted. My fear of abandonment was so strong that I disregarded my needs and made myself smaller, shape shifting to keep partners around. As a result, my fear came true - not just by my relationships ending, but even more painful, the fact that I had completely abandoned myself. For a long time I lost faith in myself; I felt I couldn’t trust my own judgment, or trust myself to stay true to what I wanted. So I had to start from the bottom, repairing the relationship with each part of myself I had lost.

As a former therapist who specialized in attachment trauma, I learned that we don’t just experience attachment in the context of our relationship with others; we also experience attachment in our relationships to ourselves. My personal journey back to myself was inspired by sessions with my clients, integrating the language of parts. Their younger parts expressed feelings of anger, betrayal, sadness and disappointment; and their present selves had to show empathy, take accountability, and rebuild the trust piece by piece. What I was so privileged to witness taught me that having a secure attachment with oneself is the key to having secure, authentic connections with others.

Ascenda Health (2025)

What is “secure attachment”?

Attachment styles are usually described in the context of our relationships with others. When someone has a secure attachment style, they have a positive view of themself as worthy of love, while having a positive view of others, believing that they are generally trustworthy and responsive. They can form healthy bonds with a balance of intimacy and independence. This looks like being able to maintain a sense of oneself and one’s needs while also getting close to others, being able to emotionally regulate oneself independently of others, being comfortable with distance and independence while also trusting their partner will be reliable, and being able to communicate feelings honestly and directly to work toward repair.

Attachment styles are not fixed. Although attachment is deeply influenced by childhood experiences, attachment styles may change from one relationship to the next. When entering a new relationship, a person with a healthy attachment style doesn’t go “all in” right away. Rather, they allow the relationship to develop at a natural pace, allowing themselves time to get to know the other person before constantly communicating, spending every moment together, and merging their lives prematurely. Once we’ve attached to someone new, how reliable, consistent, or codependent they are impacts our attachment style in the context of that relationship.

Secure Attachment to Self

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