Polyamory As An Act of Resistance

With the flood of reporting on the Cornell rapists on the news and social media, I’ve been at a loss for what to write or post about. As a survivor and thriver of sexual violence, however, I am hesitant to hop on the bandwagon and share my story - I think we all understand how prevalent SA is, and probably need to give our nervous systems a break.

Of course, our anger is warranted and it should not be swallowed or pushed away. As someone whose work is both trauma-informed and deeply rooted in feminist theory, I view anger as motivation for action. Anger makes us want to fight, so I’ve always encouraged my clients to use anger to motivate themselves. Whether it be volunteering for a cause we’re passionate about, attending protests, working out or doing something creative - using our anger to empower ourselves is a highly effective way to process it.

Always attempting (with only some success) to practice what I preach, I try to allow my anger to do the same. Often, my anger is channeled through my writing. Over the last week, I’ve been looking at a folder of potential Substack articles I keep in my drive; some are half written, some are just ideas with titles. One that I’ve been marinating on for quite a while that feels relevant considering our current news cycle was titled, “Non-Monogamy as an Expression of Bodily Autonomy”.

I’ll preface this by saying that this article is largely based in my opinion and personal experience. Although my hope is that it spurs some reflection and discussion, by no means is it supposed to be a directive about how to navigate your own relationships. I still firmly believe that all relationship structures are legitimate, and I will never tell any of my followers or clients how their relationships and agreements should look.

Polyamory and Bodily Autonomy

The more time I spend as a non-monogamy educator while practicing non-monogamy in my own unique way, the clearer it becomes that my reason for practicing non-monogamy isn’t the most typical. What I mean is, I most commonly hear proponents of non-monogamy talk about how “it’s unrealistic to expect one person to meet all of your needs”. Sometimes this becomes simplified into a version of polyamory where you have one partner to do X interests and activities with, and another to do Y with, and so on. Although it’s true that every relationship is unique, sometimes this line of thinking can become problematic when people become, as a friend of mine once called it, “checklist polyam people”. This means instead of dating people for connection, they date them for specific characteristics or what they bring to the table, like checking off items on a list.

For me, being polyamorous isn’t about outsourcing my needs to different people. I’ve structured my life to where all of my needs are met through my relationships with myself, my friends and my larger non-monogamous community. I view my romantic connections as ones which only add something to my life. This also means that I don’t need a partner to be polyamorous. Being polyamorous isn’t a relationship choice - it’s my relationship orientation.

Sometimes people ask me why I call myself polyamorous if I don’t need multiple partners. The answer is partially based on my personal beliefs about love and what it means to love; I see love as an infinite resource, and I know I can love multiple people at once. But the biggest reason I am polyamorous is because of the freedom and bodily autonomy this relationship structure affords me.

Before I go on, I want to credit the first creator I’ve seen who put my own feelings about polyamory into cohesive words. This TikTok by @jaym0v, highlighting autonomy and choice as their reasoning for being polyamorous, is part of what helped me finally finish this article I’ve been mulling over for a while.

Masculinity, Power and Control

As a woman who is openly sensual and sexual, I’ve received criticism about the way I carry myself throughout most of my life. Like Jane Doe, my presentation has been used many times to legitimatize the sexual harassment and violence I’ve experienced. This contributed to a narrative I once had that finding partners who accepted and encouraged these parts of myself would be almost impossible. As a result, I quickly fell for men who seemed excited by these parts of myself; only to later attempt to stifle them through shame and control. Upon reflecting, I’ve realized that what these men all have in common is a toxic relationship with their own sense of masculinity.

I’ve notice that non-monogamy can be much more challenging for men than other genders because of the way it requires them to reassess their relationship to masculinity. Under patriarchy, power and control are equated with manhood. By “allowing” your woman to express herself and her sensuality freely, connecting with others however she likes, you are giving up that power and control. Therefore a woman expressing her own bodily autonomy and freedom is a threat to that power and control; it is not only a threat to their relationships with men, but a threat to patriarchy at large.

“Bird Cage Girl”, Saliha Mohammadi

The Problem with Relationship “Rules”

As a response to said threat, some folks practicing non-monogamy will create “rules” as a means to feel more in control - much like patriarchy has created rules about men’s and women’s roles, and how they should and should not behave. When our relationship is governed by rules our partner has created about what we can and cannot do, who we can and cannot see, it’s an infringement on our autonomy. Yes - it is important to stick to agreements that you’ve co-created with your partner - but unlike rules your partner has created for you to follow, these are collaborative agreements that you are fully consenting to. As a solo polyamorist, for example, I will never agree to rules about what specific acts or experiences my partner and I share with others. However, I will always co-create and adhere to agreements regarding sexual health and safety.

Sometimes when we’re in monogamous relationships or highly enmeshed primary partnerships, we are held hostage by a “cost-sunk fallacy”, as referenced by the Tiktok creator I mentioned. Despite being unhappy, we stay in a relationship because of how much time we’ve invested, feeling like it will all be a “waste” if we leave. We might be fearful of how other people will respond to our relationship ending, or be materially or legally enmeshed with our partners.This adds a layer of obligation to the relationship that clouds our ability to intentionally choose to stay in it. As a result, there’s an element of power and control present which takes away our ability to fully and enthusiastically consent to our relationship expectations.

Of course it’s scary to be in a relationship with someone while knowing they have the freedom to connect with whomever, however they’d like. But for me, this makes the connection feel so much more legitimate. This person has the freedom to be with anyone they want, yet they repeatedly choose to make time for me and commit to what we’re building. Yes, this can be true in any relationship structure - but oftentimes our other relationships become clouded by financial and social enmeshment, or the blow to our egos when we perceive a relationship to have failed.

Letting Go of Control

Many people are initially drawn to non-monogamy for the freedom it gives them to experiment with their sexuality. But if opening the relationship comes with a list of rules - how much freedom do we really have? Much like patriarchy is threatened by women’s autonomy, therefore creating rules as a means to control - we might use rules to feel in control of the “threat” we perceive other people to impose on our relationships. Now the question becomes, how stable is your relationship in actuality, if allowing your partner to have full autonomy becomes a threat to said relationship?

Ultimately, the real work of non-monogamy is letting go of the need to control. I often wonder if we’d have an easier time with this if our culture wasn’t so ridden with power and control as a result of patriarchy. Whatever came first - the chicken or the egg - dismantling this culture within our relationships is a great place to start.

Thanks for reading Freeform Coaching for Conscious Non-Monogamy! This post is public so feel free to share it.

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