Nothing is wrong with you if you don’t feel happy for your partner’s other relationship yet. That feeling everyone talks about — compersion, the warm, genuine j
Dr. Marie Thouin, guest on the Loving Without Boundaries podcast
Nothing is wrong with you if you don’t feel happy for your partner’s other relationship yet. That feeling everyone talks about — compersion, the warm, genuine joy some people describe feeling when their partner is happy with someone else — is real, and it’s also not a requirement, not a pass/fail test, and not proof you’re doing non-monogamy wrong if it isn’t there yet.
I went deep on this with Dr. Marie Thouin, who wrote the first-ever comprehensive scholarly book on compersion and has spent years researching it academically. And the first thing she wants people to hear is this: no one feels compersion all the time. Not even people who’ve felt it consistently for years. It’s not an on-or-off switch — it’s contextual, and it can shift depending on what’s happening in your life, your body, and your relationship in any given season.
Marie designed a spectrum that I think is genuinely one of the most useful reframes I’ve come across: jealousy on one end, then benevolent neutrality, then attitudinal compersion, then embodied compersion on the far end. Embodied compersion is the one everyone pictures — feeling it in your body, genuinely thrilled. Attitudinal compersion is more cerebral — recognizing intellectually that something good is happening, without necessarily feeling emotionally lit up about it. And benevolent neutrality is simply not being distressed. Not thrilled, not threatened. Just okay.
Here’s the part that matters most: Marie’s research found that benevolent neutrality — just okay — is enough to build a genuinely successful non-monogamous relationship. You do not need to feel embodied joy for your partner’s other relationships to be doing this right. If you’re coming from a place of fear or discomfort around non-monogamy, aiming for okay is a completely legitimate destination, not a consolation prize.
She also gave me a phrase I use constantly now with clients: use compersion — or its absence — as a flashlight, not a stick. Don’t beat yourself up for not feeling it. Get curious about what it’s illuminating instead.
Dr. Marie Thouin is the author of Understanding Positive Empathy in Consensually Non-Monogamous Relationships, the first comprehensive scholarly book on compersion. Her research has been featured in Elle, the Savage Love Cast, and Multiamory, and she’s the founder of Love Insight, a dating and relationship coaching practice. She authored the first encyclopedia definition of compersion alongside fellow researcher Dr. Sharon Flicker.
In this episode, Marie and Kitty go deep on what actually promotes and blocks compersion — including the specific role community and belonging play, and why that matters so much for people who don’t see themselves represented in mainstream poly spaces.
Coming up on today’s show, Marie Thouin, PhD, is the author of Understanding Positive Empathy in Consensually Non-Monogamous Relationships, the first-ever comprehensive scholarly book on compersion. She’s been featured in several magazines and podcasts including Elle, the Savage Love Cast, and Multiamory. Marie has also published several seminal research studies, the first encyclopedia entry on compersion, and is the creator of WhatIsCompersion.com, a popular website featuring her research and a list of resources on the topic. She’s also the founder of Love Insight, a mindful dating and relationship coaching practice.
Welcome to Loving Without Boundaries, where we hear inspiring stories, share actionable advice, and talk about the challenges and the joys of ethical non-monogamy and polyamory. I’m your host, Kitty Chambliss.
I’m really, truly excited to be here with Dr. Marie Thouin again, for a deeper conversation about all things compersion. Thank you for taking the time to be here.
Thank you so much, Kitty. It’s such an honor to be here again as my research evolves.
I love how you’re like a dog with a bone, in the best way — you found something that interests you and you’re diving deeper, as I have in my own work. Thank you for all the research and gifts you’ve given our community, since there isn’t a ton of research on this.
Oh, it’s my pleasure. Sometimes it’s fun when there isn’t a ton already out there — there’s room for asking a lot of fundamental questions. I’m feeling fortunate that I picked a research topic that hasn’t gotten boring, and I don’t anticipate it ever will.
Before we go further, would you give a definition in your own words of what compersion is?
In my own words, compersion is about moving away from jealousy and possessiveness in the way we love. I wouldn’t say it’s the exact opposite of jealousy, because that would imply they’re mutually exclusive — and they’re not. Compersion and jealousy can absolutely coexist. Last year, I co-authored a three-part definition with Dr. Sharon Flicker for an encyclopedia of sexual behavior in psychology. The first part: compersion is a broad range of positive emotions we might experience in relation to our partner’s other intimate relationships. The second: it’s also a broad range of positive thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors connected to those relationships — so it’s not just an emotion, it can be an orientation. And the third part opens it up beyond non-monogamy entirely — compersion can also describe positive emotions and attitudes toward someone else’s success or gratifying experience in any context, not just polyamory.
(Marie shares that despite an encyclopedia entry existing since 2023, the word “compersion” still isn’t in the dictionary — she’s emailed Merriam-Webster’s editors more than once asking them to add it, without success so far.)
I definitely see shame come up around this in the community and with clients — shame around not feeling compersion, or shame around feeling jealousy. Can you speak to that?
Absolutely. One of the main criticisms of the concept is that people feel like they have to feel compersion emotionally, or else they’re not a “good” poly person. That’s just not true — no one feels compersion all the time. I’ve talked to people in my practice who were very compersive for years until a particular situation triggered them. It’s contextual. It’s not an on-or-off switch. If you’re struggling to experience compersion, or even just okayness, I always encourage using that as a flashlight, not a stick. Jealousy and challenging emotions carry information you might need about your relationship — the trick is not putting any of these feelings in charge, but deciding, with some distance, what to actually do with the information.
I loved a term from your book — benevolent neutrality, and working toward relational security and harmony. Can you touch on that?
Yes — I designed a spectrum from jealousy, to benevolent neutrality, to attitudinal compersion, to embodied compersion. Embodied compersion is feeling it in your body, genuinely thrilled for your partner. Attitudinal is more of a cerebral realization that something good is happening, without necessarily feeling emotionally lit up. Benevolent neutrality is just being neutral — not distressed, not necessarily happy, just okay. And that can really be enough to create a successful non-monogamous relationship. If you’re coming from fear or discomfort with non-monogamy, I’d aim for benevolent neutrality rather than putting pressure on yourself to feel more than that right now.
What promotes compersion, and what hinders it?
My book lays out six factors across individual, relational, and social categories — think of them like a gas pedal and a brake pedal. In the individual category: first is ideological commitment to non-monogamous values — how fully on board you are, versus feeling pressured or coerced into it. Second is security within self — how resourced you feel individually, in your body, your work, your life outside the relationship. In the relational category: relational security, meaning how secure you feel with your partners and whether there’s a felt sense of abundance. Second, how you feel about your metamours — do you trust them, respect them, like them as people? Third, the perceived benefits you get from your partner’s other relationships — do you feel like you’re gaining something, or only sacrificing?
And then the social factor — community and belonging. It’s so much easier to walk this path if you have community around you to support you, validate your identity, and model what’s possible. I had a participant in my research tell me he couldn’t really feel compersion until he saw it modeled by other people — not even in his own polycule, just witnessing someone else feel okay while their partner was with someone else. It clicked for him, and he let it be okay for himself.
That’s such a great segue — can you speak to what hinders that social piece specifically?
One of the main reasons people tell me they don’t have community around them is a marginalized identity — particularly a marginalized racial identity. I’ve talked to a lot of BIPOC folks who said the poly communities they could find in their own city were overwhelmingly white, and they didn’t see themselves represented, so they didn’t feel comfortable walking into those spaces. I think that’s a real call for poly communities everywhere to work on inclusion so everyone can feel welcome. And it’s not just race — there’s ageism too, sometimes real barriers around what age range is considered acceptable in a given community.
I definitely see that in my own work too — I work with people who identify as polyamorous, as swingers, as in open relationships, and I know some of those communities have real age gaps built in.
Yeah — it’s heartbreaking when you think about it. I also want to give people freedom to build their own communities and rules. But I think it’s worth being self-reflective: if society already tells us certain people are less valuable because of age, race, gender identity, or orientation, do we want to replicate that in our own communities, or build something different?
Absolutely — that’s a theme I’ve tried to cultivate in the communities I’ve built too.
Is there anything individuals can cultivate — skills or habits — that are the biggest precursor to experiencing compersion?
That goes back to that individual category — cultivating your own security and resourcing. Self-care actually matters a lot here. People in my research would tell me: if I’ve had a good meal, a good night’s sleep, things are going well at work, I can go on a walk in nature — I’m more likely to feel compersion than if my own cup feels empty. It’s about filling your own cup so you have something to give.
And relationally — any specific skills between partners that nurture compersion?
The ability to give reassurance when it’s needed, without treating it as a burden. I usually recommend couples make an explicit agreement — it’s always okay to ask for reassurance. Of course, if you’re asking ten times a day and your partner can never relax, that’s worth looking at further. But we’re all going to get scared and insecure sometimes, and if we know our partner won’t reject or shame us in those vulnerable moments, that really builds security.
What are some common pitfalls when discussing compersion?
First, the impression that it’s toxic positivity — using it almost like a weapon, “I have compersion, why don’t you,” instead of having compassion for the full range of human experience. That’s a real pitfall — using compersion as a stick to beat yourself or others with, instead of a flashlight.
How can someone tell the difference between healthy growing pain and pain that’s actually pointing to something wrong, like abuse?
Look at the context. If you’re in pain but you know your relationships are full of respect, honesty, and transparency, and the pain is really about disentangling old mononormative narratives from your system, that’s a sign you’re being given an opportunity to heal an old story — not evidence something’s currently wrong. But if you’re facing real evidence — broken agreements, boundaries constantly getting pushed, not feeling seen or cared for — then of course you’re not going to feel compersion, and maybe you shouldn’t. That’s a sign to look at healing the relationship ecosystem itself, which sometimes means the relationship as it currently exists isn’t the right one.
Do you think compersion is necessary for successful non-monogamous relationships?
I’d say yes and no. I don’t think emotional or embodied compersion is necessary — that’s a bonus when you get it. But I do think something close to benevolent neutrality — at least interpreting your partner’s other relationships as a positive or okay event — is more fundamental to successful non-monogamy. Without at least that, you’re probably going to interpret your metamour relationships as a negative event, and that’s real grounds for conflict.
Thank you so much for this beautiful conversation. Where can people find you and your work?
The best place is my website, whatiscompersion.com — that’s also the name of my book, so it’s easy to remember. You can book a free 30-minute introductory session with me as a coach if you’d like to go deeper on compersion or anything else in dating and relationships. I’m also on Instagram at Love Insight Dating.
Thank you again so much for your work — I wish you nothing but continued success.
Thank you so much, Kitty. It’s so great to talk to you again.
Thanks for tuning in to today’s show. If you like what you heard, are struggling with some aspect of your relationships, and you’re interested in seeing if you’re a fit to work with me as your relationship coach, here’s what I invite you to do next. Head over to lovingwithoutboundaries.com/apply — that’s lovingwithoutboundaries.com/apply — and book a call to speak with me. I’ll get on the phone with you for about 45 minutes, and we’ll get you crystal clear on three things. Number one, exactly what’s not working well in your relationships right now. Number two, ideally, where you’d like to be and what might be getting in the way. Number three, the exact strategy to get you there, helping to close that gap. Remember, creating healthy, open relationships does not typically happen by itself. Many often need expert guidance to make it happen. We’ve helped clients all over the world feel safe, happy, and secure in open relationships while not losing their mind or their cherished partners. To see if we can help you do the same, head over to lovingwithoutboundaries.com/apply. I’m Kitty Chambliss, and let’s talk soon.
You don’t have to white-knuckle your way through this alone. I wrote the Jealousy Survival Guide for exactly this moment — the one where you’re wondering why you can’t feel happy for your partner the way you think you’re supposed to. You don’t have to feel thrilled. You just have to be okay. There’s a path to that, and beyond it, if you want to go there too.
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KITTY CHAMBLISS, Master Coach (ICF-Certified), CPC
Relationship Coach | Speaker | Educator | Trauma-Informed
Author of “Jealousy Survival Guide: How to feel safe, happy, and secure in an open relationship”
Original Post: Kitty
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