urethra baby

Written by : Tamar Simone Weir

Pelvic Floor

its been a while now baby

this throbbing, achy feelin

this holding onto something not mine

but mine

its been a while now baby

squatting over toilets with deep breaths, sounds,

and mantras to remain upright

to pass another few hours until we meet again

until the inevitable next time

from fall to fall its been like this

google tells me its urethral pain syndrome (UPS)

but the doctors and urologists remain confused

nobody really knows but yeah im fine...

its this inner voice inside of my flesh

this type of cellular chaos

how can i not hold it in when i know that

familiar place will cause pain

fuck the 1-10 pain scale

and fuck the misdiagnoses

fuck the urologist who says the procedure shouldn't be painful

sir,,, in what world

"Cystoscopy (sis-TOS-kuh-pee) is a procedure that lets a healthcare professional see the lining of the bladder and the tube that carries urine out of the body, called the urethra."

my doctor tells me, it should be over within minutes, and there is no need for anesthesia.

he tells me i can look into the monitor and we will see the results right away

but im thinking who in their right mind would want to know their results while a tube is still shoved deep inside their urethral hole?

what does trauma informed care look like when im in and out in a matter of 20 minutes

a short procedure, merely costing $1000

what does trauma informed care look like when safety feels fleeting in sleek white walls

what does trauma informed care look like when

everything is good he tells me and that is it

the results are quick, and easy, he says.

i breathe, a deep exhale, a raspy inhale- releasing a rhythm

something to center me in the stirrups

"is it painful?"

honey...

is it possible to cry internally i wonder?

samara joy plays in the symphony hall

all i can see is her back, but her voice radiates into my goosebumps

and i find my answer, yes ive been crying internally

internal crying looks like going to work everyday but dreading bathroom breaks

internal crying looks like mantras of "pain does not last forever"

looks like dehydration down to the core

looks like somethin stuck in the center of my stomach

oh wait its chronic pain joining me in this interlude

a medical occasion like this is never not painful

a doctor who has no idea whats wrong

who genders the body in ways that give me an itch

deep in the bones of my spine

my focus wanders as empathy seems to have left the room

a long time ago

and in the here and now the screen shows the inner imaging of my bladder

this unknown place inside me

i squeeze the orange ball

 i feel the collective struggle of genital pain and the vulvovaginal discomfort of being in a hyper clenched ecosystem

something like a mossy forest all dried up because moisture only happens when the environment is in homeostasis

and it cannot be when clenching is all we've known

15% of women experience pelvic pain conditions

and the number is most likely higher

to have a pelvis

is as natural as mossy lichen spreading onto tree bark

and the pain, it clouds the sky

surveys revealed that 24% of women experienced a misdiagnosis of a gynaecological condition

its funny, ive always thought i had a small bladder, but its been confirmed

shes typical

as any bladder could be

and my sensation of needing to pee overfloods all else

what would happen if i peed all over this mans face?

i focus again, a holding im all too familiar with

this sensation overpowering all ruminations of yesterday

all i can do is close my eyes and squeeze.

Painting painted of me

Same painting session, but from another artist and another angle.

To all who are experiencing pelvic pain, or any other chronic pain condition, im with you. This shit is not easy, the constant misdiagnosis, the constant questions left unanswered, and deep internet holes of searching. The discomfort, and feeling of eternity. The frustration and sadness. The longing for a different reality.

A few resources (but not limited to):

Pelvic Health Support Group

Pelvic Healer

Pelvic Pain Ed

Pelvic Pain Foundation

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