SELF CARE

Love Doesn’t Have to Look One Way

Monogamy isn’t the problem—but the pressure to be everything to one person might be.

JULY 30, 2025

Hi Friends

How’s life been lately?
If you’re like me, maybe you’ve been carrying some heaviness. The world feels… wobbly. And while every generation says that, the pace and scale of change today can feel overwhelming.

It’s no surprise, then, that our relationships are affected. How could they not be? We don’t live in a vacuum. Our sense of security, our emotional bandwidth, our desire for connection—all of these are shaped by what’s happening around us.

In times like this, we need relationships that can hold us. Relationships where we’re safe to show up as our whole selves. Where we can be someone’s soft place to land, and be met in return. For some, non-monogamy adds even more possibility: more circles of care, more anchors of support,

more love to go around.

Relationships—when built with honesty and intention—make life better. But shifting from what we’ve inherited (like the idea that monogamy is the only “real” option) to something unfamiliar can be disorienting. That shift is worth reflecting on.

Where Did These Modern Ideals Even Come From?

Before the industrial revolution, monogamy wasn’t about love. It was about land, legacy, and social gain. Marriages were strategic alliances, not passionate romances. Romantic connection, if it happened, was a nice bonus.

Today, we’ve layered more onto the institution of monogamy. We still expect social and financial security—but now we also expect deep emotional intimacy, friendship, and spiritual compatibility, all from the same person.

Your partner is supposed to be:

Your best friend
Your roommate
Your co-parent
Your confidant
Your lover
Your adventure buddy
Your therapist
Your spiritual guide

That’s an exhausting job description for anyone. And when we or our partners can’t live up to it, we often blame ourselves—or assume the relationship is broken.

The Cultural Scripts We Don’t Realize We’re Following

Monogamy has become entangled with morality and the idea of “true love.” In our stories and songs, love is proven by exclusivity. We’re taught that choosing one person over others is what makes it meaningful.

But why? Romantic love is the only type of love where we’re expected to exclude others. We’re allowed to have multiple friends, mentors, or even children—and to love each of them differently, fully. So why not with partners?

And then there’s the Relationship Escalator—the unspoken idea that a “real” relationship follows this path:

Date
Move in
Buy property
Have kids
Stay together forever

If you opt out of any of these, you risk your relationship not being seen as serious—or as it’s failing. But what if that story doesn’t fit your life? What if it never did?

We’re Wired for Connection—Not Just One Kind

Lifelong partnerships can be deeply meaningful. Fidelity can be beautiful. But placing the weight of all our emotional, practical, and existential needs on one person? That’s a fast track to burnout and resentment.

When we expand how we think about relationships—what they can look like, how many people they can include, what forms they can take—we create space for deeper alignment with our needs and values. With more freedom, and more intention.

Is It All Just About Casual Sex?

No. Yes, we’re seeing cultural shifts: hookup culture, casual dating, and new ways of relating. But these are often conflated with consensual non-monogamy (CNM), even though the two are quite different in structure and intention.

Casual sex can absolutely be positive—when grounded in self-awareness, respect, and clarity. But CNM is about more than sex. It’s about designing your relational life around your values and desires, rather than default scripts.

And if you’re wondering how CNM compares to monogamy in terms of relationship satisfaction:
A 2014 study in the Journal of Sex Research found similar levels of satisfaction and psychological well-being between people in CNM and monogamous relationships.

Both can include:

Trust
Love
Commitment
Communication
Family and community support

But CNM often offers unique benefits:

Diversified emotional support
Broader range of shared experiences
Opportunities for personal growth

Breaking the Fairy Tale Mold

Our culture doesn’t always make space for:

Long-distance relationships
Evolving sexual compatibility
Relationships that don’t last forever
Age or lifestyle differences

And yet, these are deeply human experiences. They matter. They deserve legitimacy.