How to choose a Therapist when you are exploring Polyamory

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If you’re anything like me, it’s really hard to admit when you need help. Culture teaches us that being strong and independent leads to success. By the time we’re adults, we have internalized the cultural standard of controlling or suppressing our emotions, often to the point where we aren’t even sure what they are. My friend, who is a confident and witty Therapist, has a shirt that says “It’s Fine, I’m Fine, Everything is Fine” and it makes me chuckle every time because of how perfectly it encapsulates how it feels to continue functioning day to day in our late-stage capitalist, climate anxiety era. But in a growth mindset, asking for help when you are struggling in your personal life is actually a sign of strength. It means that you are ready to go beyond your current limitations and grow as a person. When you decide to ask for help with your intimate relationship(s), it opens wider possibilities for connection, joy and intimacy.

Although Polyamory, and other forms of CNM (Consensual Non-Monogamy) have gained popularity and become much more visible in the last few years, it’s still far from being de-stigmatized. Although CNM is prevalent in some sub-cultures, and some forms of open relationships are gaining mainstream visibility, we are still a long way from having a shared understanding of what functional, egalitarian, secure CNM looks like. The main reason for this is because of mononormativity, but another reason is that the way CNM is done varies widely. There are many different ways to practice CNM that are ethical and valid. There are also many, many ways that it can go badly and lead to hurt, heartache, and irreversible relational rupture. Although these relationship styles are not new (Anthropologists have more examples of non-monogamy than monogamy, and non-monogamy pre-dates capitalism and the colonization of North America), the research about them is sparse, but growing. The number of therapists, counsellors and coaches who profess to help in this area is also growing.

Unfortunately, not all of these professionals are prepared to work with the unconventionality and complexity of CNM. Because there is a lack of education about CNM in most of the advanced degree programs required to qualify as a Registered Counsellor, to be competent in this area, a Professional would need to seek out additional education and training to acquire the expertise to support clients involved in any type of CNM such as Polyamory, Open Relationships, Lifestyle Relationships, Monogamish Relationships, Swinging, etc. As a specialist in non-monogamy, who has studied many of the models of relationship therapy that are taught in advanced degree programs, I have seen the gaps in understanding around CNM, and bias towards monogamy that is built into many of these models. I have also heard first-hand accounts from clients about well-intentioned clinicians questioning the validity of a CNM relationship structure. I have even seen well-intentioned clinicians advertise expertise in this area alongside language that shows a lack of understanding, or a bias around non-monogamy. It’s understandable that knowledge in this area is limited, since research in this area is limited, however, some great resources exist, such as the work of Martha Kauppi.

So how can you find a therapist that can support you in all areas of life, as well as in your CNM relationships? If you are looking for someone to support you on your CNM journey when they don’t have a lot of experience or knowledge about non-monogamy, it can be hard to know what questions to ask, or what to look for. I am writing this article to offer insight and information on how to choose someone who is equipped to not only accept your relational choices without judgement, but who can actually provide information, and support you with wisdom and expertise.

1. Choose a therapist, counsellor or coach that you (and your partner(s) if you will be taking sessions together) can develop a good rapport with. This is the most important factor in creating a good outcome.

2. Check that they are experienced in working with non-monogamous clients. Professionals that specialize in working with LGBTQIA+ people or Kink are often also experienced with CNM.

3. Ask open questions about their expertise working with non-monogamy. You may want to ask them what types of CNM relationships they have experience with, or what type of specialized training or lived experience they have with CNM. Some good questions to ask are:

   1. “What proportion of the clients that you work with are non-monogamous?”

   2. “Do you have experience working with clients in different types of CNM relationships? What types?”

   3. “What kind of education and experience do you have that is specific to CNM?”

Ideally, you will find someone who has lived experience with CNM, has training specifically for working with relationships, and some kind of specialized training in CNM, or some combination of those things. Don’t be afraid to have consultation calls out a few different professionals to see who you feel you can develop a rapport with. Most professionals offer a free consultation, and it’s normal to do a few consultations before choosing someone to work with. Each clinician is going to feel different to work with. The important thing is that you find someone who is a good fit for you.

There are also a variety of workshops, courses, and group programs out there, including the ones offered by Non-Monogamy Coaching Vancouver. You can check out ways to work with me here. You are also welcome to reach out if you have any questions, or if you would like support in choosing the right Professional.

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