Erotic Autonomy

Photo by Bobby Jackson on Pexels

Let’s think beyond monogamy and polyamory. This may be a controversial opinion, but they are actually not so different. We all want connection and are wired for it. Most of us also have somewhat complex relational lives, involving friends, lovers, besties, roommates, spouses, partners, co-parents, business partners, creative collaborators, the list goes on. Sometimes (often) someone can take on more than one of those roles in our lives. Some might think that this is messy, but I find it really beautiful. Connection is a wonderful, beautiful, life giving, nurturing force, and it’s more important to cultivate quality connections than to keep relationships in neat, organized boxes.

This complexity can be a lot sometimes though. Like when you have finally gotten to the point with your ex, through a lot of hard talks and healthy boundary setting, where you both feel comfortable enough to work on the same project again, and now one of you realize that you really want your new lover to join the team. Or when you are co-parenting with your roommate and are seeking a new, entwined, long-term romantic connection? Or how about when you and your partner struggle with co-dependance, and even though you really want to be open, you can’t seem to have the conversations to get you there. How about that lover that you only see every year or so, but have a very powerful, magical connection with?

Relational complexity is where we see the lines between monogamy and polyamory (or other types of CNM) blur. Where exactly is the line between lovers and friends? How can we know how to balance relational complexity and find clarity when we feel pulled in different directions by our connections?

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This is the kind of relational complexity I sit with alongside people in my work. Sometimes clarity doesn’t come from choosing a structure, but from slowing down and listening to what’s actually true for you.

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This is where Erotic Autonomy comes in.

As wired as we are for connection, at our core, we are unique, whole individuals, existing in a web of connections. We shine brightest and feel the most fulfilled when we are deeply connected to ourselves and are in touch with our needs, our desires and even our shadows. Understanding and connecting to eroticism as an internal experience and understanding that others have a right to do the same provides the foundation and acts as a guide toward creating the relational life where, not only will we thrive, but we will guide and encourage those we are connecting with to do the same.

Erotic energy is bigger than any of us, and lives in all of us. Loving eroticism is, at its core, a transpersonal experience. You don’t have to get philosophical or woo-woo to know that we are all interconnected. We crave experiences of connection, not just with other humans, but with everything we love. Recognizing and remembering that is essential, and is a core part of many spiritual paths. Erotic Autonomy is recognizing that part of interconnection is my sense of Self. If my sense of self didn’t exist, I wouldn’t have anything to connect with, to whatever it is I am connecting to. Loving relationships are one of the ways we make meaning in life and understanding ourselves as the source of the love we are seeking is the essence of Erotic Autonomy.

Erotic Autonomy is a framework for prioritizing ourselves in order to connect to others. When we are deeply connected to ourselves, we are more prepared to connect securely to those we love, and to reduce conflict and increase connection in our lives. We can use this framework as a guide to design healthy boundaries, find clarity in relational complexity and navigate relationship transitions. Connecting to our Erotic Autonomy acts as a guiding light in relationships and can help us understand our ideal relationship style, whether it’s monogamy, polyamory, swinging, an open relationship or something else. I’m inviting you to reconnect to it whenever you feel confused or frustrated. I’m inviting you to see it as a source of nurturance, whatever your relationship style is. I’m inviting you to trust it, and to use it as a compass to guide you toward your ideal relationships, relational style, and most actualized life.

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PS If relational complexity is something you’re actively navigating right now, I offer free discovery calls as a place to slow things down and get oriented. Think of it as a place to reconnect with yourself, name what you want with more honesty, and see what kind of relational path would actually support you. There’s no pressure to decide anything on the call. Clarity is the goal.

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