So You're Going To A Play Party

By Laura Ramadei, Safety Director at a prominent play party in LA

First things first: duh, consent. If I have to tell you this, you're not ready, but I'm going to hammer it home anyway: know your basic consent practices inside and out. Even casual physical touch—like hugging someone or touching them on the arm—requires explicit consent in most play spaces. Make sure you acquaint yourself with the culture and code specific to the party you're checking out for the first time.

Usually you'll be required to attend an interview and/or an orientation that will cover these rules too. If the event or organization hosting doesn't provide consent information (that you're required to review at some point in some form), that might be a red flag. One of the only exceptions I'll make on that front is for legacy venues like KitKat in Berlin, where the club culture is so strongly established and the massive Germans working the door do a lot of the work that a chipper consent talk would otherwise.

You might forget that good consent practices account for checking in with yourself, too. Assess and establish your boundaries before you arrive, while anticipating some flexibility should the spirit move you. Know that there is no pressure to play at a play party. You are always welcome to attend and observe, just to get a feel for the environment. Phrases like "I don't know if I'm ready to dive in yet" or "I'm having plenty of fun watching" are the sex party equivalent to bringing NA beer when you don't want to drink. Just nice to have handy.

Maybe you do meet someone enticing and feel bold enough to ask if they want to play. But they decline. Respectfully and graciously accept their answer, and don't prod them for a reason why not—or try again with them later. If they change their mind of their own accord, they can come find you. Bonus points for affirming their choice with the phrase: "Thank you for taking care of yourself." This expresses respect and consideration. And increases odds they'll have good things to say about you to other community members. You don't always get to know why they didn't feel inclined to play with you, and they don't need to give you a reason. Don't take it personally, just embrace the fact that they've made the choice that they need to at that moment.

Some folks show up to a play party expecting—or even demanding—to get laid. Or they think these spaces are a free-for-all. But that's not really how it goes. A well defined container—a structured, curated sense of safety—is actually one of the most effective aphrodisiacs in any good play space. A lot of the people at the party you're showing up to know each other already. They built trust over time to cultivate community. Play spaces are often incredibly warm and welcoming. But that doesn't mean the people you meet will feel ready to get down before they get to know you a little.

Instead of setting the goal to play with someone new—or even achieve some of your wildest fantasies all in one night—think about the long game. You have the opportunity to make new friends, build trust, learn some exciting new things, and engage with some incredible people. If you show up tense, charged with angst and firmly fixed in your expectations, you might put people off. Instead, aim to have a genuinely good time without getting too attached to certain outcomes.

Play parties can be magical—hot, connective, expansive—and they can also be a lot. It's a sensory buffet. Even if you don't participate in play, the voyeuristic experience of watching so many others all at once can send your nervous system into overdrive. Plan for that. Eat beforehand, hydrate. Know that many play spaces have designated areas where there is no play, that you can use to cool off and wind down.

Other quick and dirty practical prep: pick an outfit that fits the theme or the dress code but also feels great. You don't want to fight the mandate, but make it your own. There's a lot of the same black leather and lace in these spaces, so if you find a funky way to express a theme, by all means go for it. The hottest thing you can wear is comfort in your own skin. Unique yet authentic aesthetic choices can be incredibly refreshing.

Skip the strong perfume or cologne as you're going to be in close quarters. And for the love of your feet, wear comfortable shoes. For practical reasons, a lot of play parties have a lot of stairs involved.

It can be tempting to overconsume—alcohol, substances, attention—especially if you're nervous. Check in with yourself: How am I showing up? What energy am I bringing into the room? Being grounded, considerate, and aware does more for your erotic appeal than being sloppy or pushy ever could.

Attending With Someone Else

If you're attending with someone else—a friend or partner—it's important to anticipate your dynamic together. Attending a play party with someone else can be hugely comforting and grounding, when you're with someone you trust. And it's often an opportunity to get to know each other on a whole new level. You'll enhance your experience if you have clear expectations, shared understanding, and you both feel safe and on the same page.

Without talking about expectations, you could be making assumptions and then stumble into uncomfortable surprises. It might not feel great, for example, to go to a party with a buddy but then feel abandoned when they meet someone else and go off to play without you.

And attending with a partner and exploring aspects of your relationship in a new way—even just the new possibility of having sex in front of other people—can be a lot to navigate. Don't skip the details when you talk about the hypotheticals. When you share concerns, get specific so that your partner can understand and anticipate your needs and boundaries too. Jealousy, insecurity, excitement—or any kind of surprise feelings—are not failures. They're information. Talk about how to handle these things if something comes up. Prioritize care over pushing through.

Before the party, talk to your plus one:

• Are we open to playing together at the party, if that feels good in the moment?
• Are we open to playing with other people—together or separately? Any boundaries to consider ahead of playing with others?
• How do we want to check in with each other if someone invites us to play?
• Do we want to stick together the whole time, or do our own thing?
• Do we need a discreet safe word or signal for uncomfortable situations?

A play party isn't a test. It's an environment. You get to explore it at your own pace, in your own way, with your own boundaries intact.

If you and your partner are just beginning to open things up—or even just beginning to talk about ethical non-monogamy in its various forms—know that you don't have to figure it all out alone. These experiences can surface big feelings, old patterns, and tender questions about trust, desire, and attachment. Support with and for each other can make the difference between something that feels overwhelming and something bonding and deeply connective.

Looking for deeper support as you navigate new relationship structures? An ENM-aware therapist or coach can help you process the feelings that come up before, during, and after experiences like play parties.

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Laura Ramadei is a featured contributor on Nymph's Non-Monogamy Hub. For deeper support, explore her services at intimacywithlaura.com or subscribe to her newsletter at Intimacy with Laura.

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