Q&A: Nonmonogamous Parenting

By Laura Ramadei

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Q: I've been reflecting a lot on how to reconcile being non-monogamous with my desire to be a father. Building a family often comes from a monogamous model, yet the wish to have a child feels very genuine and important to me.

I keep wondering how a non-monogamous couple could raise a child together with love and stability while still living non-monogamy in a conscious, respectful way. I also think about pregnancy, privilege, and care, and whether at certain moments it might make sense to pause or reshape other relationships for the well-being of my partner and the child.

I'm curious if you've seen or experienced situations where non-monogamous partners decide to have a child together, and how they navigate family, care, and freedom without giving up a dream or forcing themselves into a relational model that doesn't feel true.

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Providing stability is incredibly important in the process of raising a happy and healthy child. Sometimes we associate the idea of "stability" with a specific kind of household—that children should have two married, monogamous parents. But there's not actually much out there that definitively proves that the nuclear family is necessary or advantageous. Rather, the well-known African idiom that "it takes a village" holds truer.

Many children thrive with the added presence of close friends, extended family, and/or being raised by single parents with community support. Many children also fare well through divorce—if they're not subjected to arguments or violence between parents, and if there's effective communication and support through transition.

It seems that the underlying fear at work for you here is that non-monogamy might create instability that a child would be subjected to. Sometimes kids come along unexpectedly and we make big, bold life choices on the fly. In most other cases, the choice to have a child is deeply and thoroughly considered well before the kid comes along. We operate with very careful intentionality about who we choose to build a family with. Given the nature of your question, I suspect you might be the type who would be very diligent about major life decisions.

Nonmonogamy Is Relationship Design

What I hope is a helpful reminder: ethical non-monogamy is all about relationship design. So instead of leaning on a limited set of scripts about what relationships, love, and family are supposed to look like, we choose and assert our freedom and our choice. We operate with extra intentionality about what we want our lives to look like. The same way you might be very thorough and thoughtful about choosing one person to coparent with, you can be very thorough and thoughtful about what your parental and community structure might look like with more than one other person.

Maybe you build a strong relationship with an anchor partner who shares your desire to have a child. You have a trusted bond and aligned hopes and dreams, in the midst of relationships with other people. Ideally, your experience navigating non-monogamy has enhanced the foundation of your relationship. You have clear communication practices and thorough transparency with each other. You deeply understand each other's wants and needs. So when you decide to raise a child together, you're doing so from a place of deep connection and profound clarity.

And to your question, you can absolutely choose to close that relationship to focus on parenting in the earliest phase of your child's life. The nature of your relationship(s) is always your choice. Non-monogamy requires thoughtful allocation of bandwidth, and babies eat up a lot of energy and time. That choice to close may be complicated depending on the depth of relationship with others at the time, but that's a bridge to cross when you get there. Ideally each of your partners will be given some transparency about the life you're building for yourself and where or whether each partner might fit into the bigger picture.

And I appreciate that you're cognizant of privilege and the labor of child rearing. Division of labor is a very important consideration, especially for nesting partners and certainly when coparenting. What I suspect you're already anticipating is that you wouldn't want to be the only one going out on lots of dates while, say, the mother of your child gets "stuck with the kid" more often.

Building a Chosen Family

Maybe you don't choose to close, and further down the line you and your anchor partner (and coparent) each have other partners who are important to you—and who you decide to integrate into your family in some capacity. It would absolutely be appropriate to have conversations with each of those partners about their role in your child's life. Those partners can integrate as additional parents, close friends, and/or chosen family that you welcome into your child's life. I've certainly seen friends successfully operate this way.

I know different polycules that take big camping trips with their kids together, and the environment feels like one big happy family. These excursions are successful because all of the adults have made clear agreements about shared labor. And they're aligned about information and disclosures. They avoid any confusion about what role each adult plays because those details are discussed and collaboratively defined.

I'm speaking primarily to the dynamics at play for couples, but there are myriad configurations available here. I wouldn't worry about whether poly parenting can be successful and supportive. But instead trust that it's simply a matter of intentionality and awareness—of putting clear agreements in place. And being thoughtful about who you choose to invite into your life and how you build together.

Want to connect with others navigating non-monogamy and family? Check out apps and communities for non-monogamous people to find spaces where these conversations happen. And if you're looking for professional guidance as you navigate this, an ENM-aware therapist or coach can be an invaluable support through the process.

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Laura Ramadei is a featured contributor on Nymph's Non-Monogamy Hub. For deeper support, explore her services at intimacywithlaura.com or subscribe to her newsletter at Intimacy with Laura.

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