Q&A: My Partner Lashes Out, Then Asks Me to Hold Space

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By Laura Ramadei

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Q: When my partner feels stressed or overwhelmed, he struggles to control his anger and often lashes out. This affects me deeply and triggers strong reactions in me. He expects me to be understanding and to hold space for his anger, but I find that impossible in those moments. Instead, we end up fighting, and the conflict feels unresolved and exhausting. I'm unsure what to do.

I'm so sorry that your partner is lashing out at you. You don't have to endure that, and I'm happy to elaborate as to why not.

It's also worth saying that I understand where your partner might be coming from. And I understand why one person's anger often builds into a fight—aka an angry back and forth.

Let's start by talking about this sometimes overused phrase: "holding space." What does this actually mean, and how does this apply to your specific challenge? When terminology like this disseminates from workshops, classrooms, and sessions into untrained mouths, the meaning and implication can morph into misuse. To "hold space" essentially means to honor someone's feelings. To listen, to process with them, to provide the emotional labor necessary to build understanding with them. This is a bonding tool, a crucial element of conflict resolution and a mechanism of support for loved ones. Of course it's understandable that your partner craves this, as I'm sure you do too.

To "hold space" does not, however, mean that either of you is required to be on the receiving end of anger. Anger is a defense mechanism—it is usually unkind, punitive, loud, and scary. It's in a space of anger that we often say things we don't mean and hurt the people we love. And no one has to engage with their partner's anger in order to be a good partner.

Your feelings are valid, however you are both still responsible for your behavior, for your choices as you navigate those feelings.

What's more, anger is a nervous system response that triggers a nervous system response in the other party. If someone is screaming at you, your nervous system goes into high alert. As far as that system is concerned, you are under attack and this activates survival responses like fight, flight, freeze or fawn. Deep understanding and repair simply can't take place in this space because adrenaline takes over and overrides the more complex, critical thinking parts of our brains. It's much more difficult to really listen to someone when they're yelling. This can vary depending on how triggering you find anger to be based on your experiences and history. For some of us, it causes outright shutdown and we stop hearing our partners altogether.

Anger is also a secondary emotion. Rage, hatred, shutdown—these are all protective responses and often show up first, ahead of more tender, vulnerable, primary emotions like sadness, joy, fear. For you and your partner to build understanding and to have constructive conversations, you both need to be capable of listening and speaking from a more grounded place. When both your nervous systems are activated, your conversations are more likely to be destructive. So in essence, you can't really hold space for someone when all they're spewing is rage—because it prohibits your ability to hear each other and process together.

It's possible your partner is insisting you hold space for his anger because he doesn't want to take responsibility for his actions. On some level he's likely aware that he behaved badly, and is trying to form an argument to defend those actions. If I offer a more generous assessment, I'd say your partner really just wants to be understood and seen, and doesn't know how to get there.

It's absolutely appropriate and valid for you to name a boundary—that you will end or pause conversations that turn to anger. And this isn't because you don't care about your partner's feelings, but because you do care about them. You don't want to fight your partner, you want to understand.

Here's what I'd recommend: speak to your partner about this pattern, about how anger from one person leads to fights and the cycle repeats. Try to have this conversation from an emotionally even place. Invite your partner to collaborate, to solve this problem together. Try to avoid blame, but rather speak to your feelings, your experience, and a positive vision. For example:

"I want to understand your feelings and what you're going through, but when you yell I have a hard time hearing or connecting with you. So sometimes I want to take a pause so that we can reconnect when we're both in a better place."

This asks your partner to take responsibility for his choices too. It calls for accountability.

Here's how this can play out differently: something is upsetting your partner. He starts to yell about it. You calmly remind him that you don't want to fight, and that you want to hear his feelings—but you can't when he's so angry. You agree to take ten minutes, a few hours, or even a day or two before you speak again. You confirm you're both ready to have a more productive conversation before you pick up the topic again.

If your partner refuses an approach where you're doing mutual work to diffuse conflict and to communicate better—that's information too. Breaking this cycle of conflict will take hard, collaborative work. It probably won't happen easily or quickly. If your partner is resistant to trying new tactics, it may mean that he simply isn't capable of being in the kind of relationship it sounds like you want to be in. You can only build understanding and repair when both partners are showing up with generosity, curiosity, and real efforts at kindness for their partner.

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Q: How do you appropriately ride the waves of emotion that may contrast with the philosophical goal of challenging social constructs during the pursuit of ENM? Is there anything that keeps you grounded and avoiding the panic/fear that may come from opening ourselves up to more hurt?

You're right at the start of a grand adventure and I'm so happy for you. The path ahead is going to be scary, exciting, and gratifying—and you're going to grow. So much more than you already have.

I can't give you answers here that will prevent panic or difficult feelings altogether. And the thing is, I wouldn't want to. Much of this you'll learn on your own. Because your inquiry will be continuous. But I won't leave you hanging with a cryptic response.

Find Your Anchor

It can be helpful to identify what appeals to you about ethical non-monogamy—in a values-based, fundamental way. Have you ever been, on some level, opposed to traditional relationship styles? Do you appreciate relationship design? Is there a political element at play? Do you crave freedom and autonomy, or a relationship that fits your specific sexual needs? Do you want both you and your partner to experience a full spectrum of romantic, sexual, and loving experiences?

Think about and identify, in your own words, what principles matter most as you endeavor this journey. Identifying and holding those close to your heart can be very helpful as you proceed and when you inevitably hit some rough patches.

Establish Clear Agreements

As you open up an existing relationship, have ongoing conversations with your partner about expectations and desires, and agree on practices you'll share and adjust as you proceed. Surprises and misaligned expectations can be one of the most difficult things to navigate in non-monogamy. Consider:

• How do you communicate about meeting and dating new people?
• How can you both respect your existing relationship and bring reconnection practices into the fold?
• Do you feel comfortable sharing and receiving difficult feelings?

Remember that agreements evolve—they can and will change as you learn and grow together. And having "perfect" agreements in place won't prevent difficult feelings; it'll just help navigate them.

Expect Difficult Feelings

Choosing non-monogamy means rewriting scripts about how relationships work, what love means, why or how we can have sex, and so much more. It's a complicated and profound process to dismantle such deeply entrenched traditions. Don't expect that to be easy, or you may set yourself up for failure.

Know that there will be surprises. Know that there will be difficult feelings. Trying to avoid difficulty altogether—or demanding a kind of perfection from yourself—is counterproductive. You may want to develop deeper practices to navigate challenges. For example, what do you do for yourself when your partner is on a date? Plan self care. A hike or a walk to help your nervous system. Write affirmations about your relationship.

Stay Curious

When we feel uncomfortable, we often reach for control. But that desire for control sometimes manifests as anger, as conflict with our partners, as doubt about whether we're even capable of non-monogamy. Instead of rigidity and avoidance, try to stay curious. Curiosity is helpful in the moment of difficulty as it invites our feelings to metabolize and it calms our nervous system. When difficulty arises, curiosity helps us grow through our experiences. What are you learning about your insecurities? What are you learning about relating?

Keep reading up on non-monogamy, watch the videos, listen to the podcasts. Like anything else, this takes practice—and I hope you can be patient with yourself and your partner(s) on this thrilling new path together.

Want community and resources as you navigate this journey? Check out apps and communities for non-monogamous people, or explore working with an ENM-aware therapist or coach for deeper support.

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Laura Ramadei is a featured contributor on Nymph's Non-Monogamy Hub. For deeper support, explore her services at intimacywithlaura.com or subscribe to her newsletter at Intimacy with Laura.

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