The Slippery Thing About Limerence

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Imagine me stepping up to a microphone, wearing something fabulous, champagne flute in hand. *Tink tink tink.* Ahem.

Webster’s Dictionary defines limerence as “a state or feeling of deep infatuation experienced early on in a relationship. It can also refer to an intense, sometimes obsessive, feeling of romantic attachment to someone that is unrequited.”

So sorry to start like a bad wedding speech, but I did look it up.

It seems to me that in recent months and years, limerence has emerged as a trendy new dirty word. It typically carries a sour, cautionary connotation.

In nonmonogamous circles, we talk about another very similar or even interchangeable concept: New Relationship Energy. NRE refers to that intoxicating burst of excitement and/or obsession that comes with an intriguing new partner or relationship. The perception of NRE echoes that of limerence: it’s simultaneously fetishized and feared. More and more of my clients are coming to me with embarrassment or even shame around the intensity of their feelings.

When did we decide that the delicious, disorienting thrill of attraction - sometimes even obsession - was something to disparage?

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Yayoi Kusama’s Flower Obsession

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Part of the consideration is very real and operates on a practical level. People do get hurt when new attachments are handled poorly - when we neglect commitments, responsibilities, care for self and others in favor of chasing a thrill. So we prize steady practices and clean boundaries. Anything that appears to color outside those lines is suspect. Limerence challenges the tidy narrative that emotional life should only ever be calm, rational, and contained. So instead of welcoming its gifts - curiosity, heightened perception, erotic vitality - we clip its wings and call it dangerous.

But if you’re at all familiar with my work, you know I highly favor nuance over binary. While I am one of many practitioners that advises a gentle, intentional, paced approach when NRE starts to seep into the bloodstream, I’m careful not to vilify its influence.

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