The Line Between Jealousy and Protection

When she arrived at my partner’s birthday bar hang, she let out a squeal and leapt into his arms, her koala-like limbs wrapped around his body as she slid back down to the ground.

She grinned and gave me a hug too, before producing a small spray bottle. With a single finger, she coaxed my partner’s mouth open and spritzed under his tongue. She turned back to me. “Want some?”

I cleared my throat. “What is it?”

“Acid. I mean Ket. Ket? Yeah Ket.” She giggled.

“I’m good.”

“It’s so great to finally meet you!”

We made small talk. She was trying. I did my best to make sure she felt included among our friends and any guests she didn’t know.

I spent a lot of that night watching her behavior for signs of danger. And negotiating judgments. Maybe she wasn’t sloppy and chaotic, just eager. Maybe she wasn’t consuming recklessly, just nervous. Maybe the little actions that felt inconsiderate towards me weren’t slights, she just didn’t know the etiquette. Or maybe my nervous system was right to be on high alert.

I can be an intimating character to my metas, especially those new to nonmonogamy. In many ways I could see that she was trying to make a good impression, if a little overeager.

And this was early in my relationship with him. I didn’t yet know how or whether to trust his talent for discernment. Was he making similar assessments, or would he be more susceptible to a beautiful, dangerous woman because she has big eyes and bubbly energy? Would he see the same red flags? If he did, would it matter to him?

There’s a particular kind of discomfort that doesn’t have a name. It lives in the space between two feelings that might seem unrelated but share the same nervous system - jealousy and the protective impulse. If you’ve been in nonmonogamous relationships for some time, you’ve probably felt them both at once, tangled together in a way that makes it hard to know what your gut is getting at.

Let’s say something about your meta doesn’t sit right with you. Maybe it’s a pattern you’ve noticed. Maybe it’s the way they handle conflict, or a values mismatch, or a specific behavior you find problematic. Your concern feels real and grounded. It feels like discernment. And it is.

And underneath all of that, or maybe right alongside it, there’s also jealousy. A low hum, or sometimes louder - the sense that something you love might be tugged away from you. Both feelings are happening. And you can’t really separate them. You can’t tell where one ends and the other begins.

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