The Birthday That Changed the Pattern

I’ve been MIA working on my YTT that launched on my birthday! Let’s catch up a bit….

February 8th felt different this year.

Not because it was extravagant.

Not because it was loud.

But because for the first time in my life, I wasn’t overextending to be loved.

Historically, my birthdays have followed a pattern:

I make plans with someone. (Usually a partner or significant other)

They promise something special.

What unfolds is usually something they wanted… or an excuse as to why they couldn’t make it happen for me not something that felt intentional for me and I would always be disappointed and try to hide that.

And I told myself that was fine.

I told myself that shit was normal.

I told myself that love required compromise. And that I was being a team player.

What I didn’t notice was the deeper pattern: I was always the one putting someone else first.

Last year on my birthday, something clicked. I realized my relationship at the time wasn’t rooted in intention toward me. It wasn’t malicious… it was just misaligned. My ex didn’t get me a gift at all. And the activity they chose was something I was ok with but they more so talked me into it. The last thing I noticed was the “gift” they got for me, wasn’t for me at all…it was for them and the traditional of getting a Lego set was really all about them. Not me (I never even got to keep these gifts). And I saw clearly how much I had tolerated in the name of love… it fucked me up a lil bit. I was beginning to open my eyes. I decided that was not what I wanted and it didn’t feel good.

This year was different.

Someone I’ve been talking to for just a few short weeks asked to take me out.

They chose a brand-new Barnes & Noble in the city — a place I hadn’t been yet.

They remembered conversations we’d had. And gave me a gift that we discussed in those conversations.

They bought me a book set I’ve been wanting for a long time. (one I had previously told my ex of 2yrs that I wanted so badly).

This date was thoughtful.

It was intentional.

It was centered on me.

And yet…it made me so fkn anxious.

Not because it was wrong — but because it was unfamiliar. My brain was saying “Oh yes” and my body was saying “wtf is going on”

When your nervous system is conditioned to overgive, being prioritized can feel…destabilizing.

When you’re used to chasing crumbs, receiving care can feel like a shock.

But this wasn’t anxiety rooted in fear.

It was novelty.

A new pattern forming.

I realized something important:

I am no longer available for self-abandonment.

And the most beautiful part?

I didn’t have to perform to earn it.

I didn’t overthink it.

I didn’t contort myself to keep it.

It felt secure.

Steady.

Mutual.

That is new. And I realized how much I have grown in the past year. I no longer get crumbs because I refuse to accept them. I get clarity & intention because that’s what I want… truly.

A New Beginning

The timing of this feels symbolic.

The day after my birthday, I kicked off a new 12-week Yoga Teacher Training.

Twelve weeks of studying suffering, regulation, and the patterns that keep us stuck.

Twelve weeks of community, self-inquiry, and embodied philosophy.

Twelve weeks of asking: Where are we abandoning ourselves in the name of belonging?

Yoga teaches that suffering (duḥkha) arises when we are out of alignment with truth.

When we cling.

When we perform.

When we override our internal signals to maintain attachment.

I’ve spent the past five years deeply studying this.. not just intellectually, but somatically. Through my own training. Through becoming a yoga therapist. Through the niche space I hold around love, relationships, and nervous system healing.

This birthday felt like evidence.

Evidence that the internal work rewires what we tolerate.

Evidence that nervous system repair changes attraction patterns.

Evidence that when you stop overgiving, you start recognizing reciprocity.

February: Love Without Self-Abandonment

It’s February. My birth month. Black History Month. A month culturally saturated with conversations about love.

This month, I want to talk about:

• Love that does not require shrinking.

• The nervous system shifts that happen when you’re finally safe.

• Pleasure and sensation as data — not indulgence.

• What it means to stop chasing and start receiving.

• Divorce, polyamory, and the courage to leave what no longer fits.

Later this month, I’ll be co-hosting a workshop with Annie Undone on divorce and polyamory — specifically what happens when opening a relationship reveals that you’ve been abandoning yourself all along.

But before all of that, I want to anchor here:

Sometimes growth doesn’t look dramatic.

Sometimes it looks like sitting in a bookstore, holding a gift, realizing you no longer accept bare minimum effort.

And letting your nervous system adjust to being chosen.

A February Reflection

Consider this:

Where have you normalized being an afterthought?

What would it feel like — in your body — to be intentionally prioritized?

Would it feel calm?

Or would it feel destabilizing?

If it feels destabilizing, that’s not proof it’s wrong.

It may just be unfamiliar safety.

This month, we’re practicing noticing.

Noticing where we overextend.

Noticing where we brace.

Noticing where love feels steady instead of urgent.

I’m returning here more consistently this month… softer, clearer, and rooted in what I actually want.

Not chasing.

Not performing.

Just aligned.

Welcome to February.

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