Moving Away From “Rules”, Toward “Agreements”

Oftentimes when folks talk about opening up their relationships or exploring the lifestyle, you’ll hear them talk about their “rules” for engaging (or not engaging) with others. Some may claim I focus too much on semantics, however, as a non-monogamy coach I am “anti” rules. Instead, encourage my clients to create agreements. There are several reasons for this, first and foremost being the definition of a “rule” itself.

As a noun, a “rule” is defined as a regulation, standard, or custom meant to dictate and control what is and isn’t allowed. As a verb, “to rule” means to make a decision or command power over another. This means that a relationship “rule” is a means to control one another, which isn’t healthy behavior in any type of relationship. In intimate relationships, we do not own our partners, and relationship decisions must be collaborative. Otherwise, we are infringing on our partners’ right to freely consent to the boundaries we share as a unit. However, there’s a reason why non-monogamists (especially newbies) find comfort in the creation of rules.

Rules as Avoidance

In a recent post I wrote “I think rules = emotional avoidance”. What I meant by this statement is that creating “rules” to control one another is often a response to uncomfortable feelings such as insecurity, anxiety, fear and jealousy. Creating a “rule” is then a means to avoid such feelings, so we can feel safe when the situation feels out of control - which it often can, especially when we’re first diving into non-monogamy.

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