Sex as Creative Collaboration

There’s a particular kind of client who comes to me to solve a “sex problem.” Namely, that this couple isn’t having much. Or that maybe the sex they are having feels boring, rote, and/or obligatory.

Within a few sessions I can usually identify whether the problem is purely a physical issue (far more rare than one might assume) or something to do with the underlying relationship or the individuals involved. Stress, conflict, resentment - to call each of these things mood killers is an understatement. In the majority of the cases I see, it’s the relationship that needs repair. And then better sex can follow.

Sometimes there’s one partner leading the charge, more or less dragging the other to sessions with them. That partner is feeling unfulfilled. They name sex as a “need” as opposed to a “want.” (And there’s a whole rabbit hole here that I’ll narrowly avoid - about how consistently pressuring their partner to have sex unfortunately works against them.)

There is some truth to the notion that sexual gratification is a need - the insistence is valid. That said, if you can get physical gratification with a partner you can also do that on your own. In fact, most of us can get right down to intense physical pleasure faster with our own hands than with someone else. So what’s in the special sauce that heightens the craving for partnered sex?

When solving for a dry spell in long term relationship, I’m not trying to force sex on anyone, I’m looking to build intimacy between partners. I’m cultivating connection. That means dismantling the barriers. In many cases, we’re repairing conflict and healing resentment so that warmth and affection can creep back into the dynamic. When someone feels unfulfilled in their sex life it isn’t necessarily a lack of sex, but a lack of intimacy. They’ve come to rely on sex as the only expression of affection or connection available, so they’re inclined to solve for the sex problem but skip over the intimacy problem. That person might also be approaching sex as a commodity - as something to take or be given - rather than as a collaboration where both partners are offering, receiving and cocreating a pleasurable experience.

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