KINK & BDSM

My Partner's Kinky Partner Feels Unsafe

Responses to questions submitted in comments, DMs, and here on Substack.

APRIL 3, 2026

QUESTION (edited for length): “One of my partners I feel has an unhealthy relationship with them and partakes in high risk situations. As I care for them deeply I did feel it necessary to share my concerns. They did lessen time together but it seems to be picking up again. I don’t want to give an ultimatum but I’m not sure what my options are except to leave.”

When asked what kind of high risk situations:

“Not trying to kink shame. […] He goes to gangbang and swinger parties and sometimes take her. [sic …] I do ‘follow’ her other partner online and see he signs up to attend these parties and has things in his bio like ‘actually I’m in the lifestyle to get laid.’ […] ‘Me leading you by your collar and leash to dungeons and sex clubs where I will use you as currency and whore you out, because you openly enjoy this.’ again not shaming here but I am conflicted that someone treats someone I care about this manner.”

One of the more tender and complicated places you can find yourself in nonmonogamy is when you have genuine concerns about a partner’s safety. I imagine you’re not sure whether what you’re feeling is protective love, or something closer to an impulse to control. Often, it’s both at once, and it takes honesty with yourself to untangle the two.

I can totally understand why the profile language you’ve seen from her other partner is jarring. I could understand if he just seems like a sleaze and that rubs your wrong. But it’s a little unclear to me based on what you’ve provided whether he’s definitely unsafe. And before decide you’re out of options, it’s worth slowing down and getting more clarity if possible.

Because autonomy is a paramount principle in nonmonogamy, we have to remember there’s a difference between our own safety and the safety of our partners. I’ve certainly been in situations where a partner’s partner demonstrated unsafe behaviors, and I needed to let my partner make their own choices (read: mistakes). That said, this sounds like a situation where there may be some concern for your own sexual safety too. If you and your partner have established safety agreements and you’re not sure whether those agreements extend to what she’s doing with this other partner, that’s a direct and legitimate concern that you have every right to raise clearly. That’s not about controlling her choices - that’s about your own body and your own risk. If there’s any ambiguity around safer sex practices like use of barriers, testing, etc, that’s the place to start. And it may be where you need to identify a firmer boundary and name it directly.

Once that’s handled or if that isn’t of concern, and this is truly about your partner’s choices and her risk…that’s a bit more complicated. Because ultimately, your partner is an adult who gets to decide what she does with her own body, including who she plays with and in what contexts. As much as you care for her, her choices with another partner are hers to make.

That doesn’t mean your feelings don’t matter or that you have to simply look away. What it might mean, though, is shifting your approach from trying to limit her time with this other partner, toward genuinely trying to understand what’s actually going on. Given you’re considering leaving the relationship, I’d want the assurance that there aren’t any lingering assumptions in the midst of such a significant decision.

The profile language that bumped you is worth unpacking. It reads as provocative, even unsettling. But it doesn’t necessarily tell you the whole story. Someone being led through a dungeon on a leash is absolutely fine if that’s something your partner genuinely wants and has consented to, and if clear conversations about boundaries and safety are happening between them. It could be possible that your perception of this guy leans a certain way because you’re just not comfortable with him right now.

Photo by Anna Shvetz

Which is why I’d recommend asking more questions of your partner. Has your partner talked with you about what her dynamic with this person actually looks like? Does she feel seen, respected, and safe with him - not just in the abstract, but in practice? Has she thought about the things in his profile that concern you, or might she have more context that you’re not yet aware of? These aren’t intended as interrogating questions. They should be open and genuinely inquisitive. They offer a dual benefit: there may be information you don’t yet have about this guy and their interactions that might help put your mind at ease. And on the other hand, these questions might encourage your partner to reflect on things she hasn’t fully examined yet, and/or to advocate more clearly for her own safety if there are any gaps.

You may find that she’s already thought through all of this and feels genuinely good about it. You may find that your questions open up a conversation she needed to have. I may also be missing information from what you described, but I feel like I’m currently reviewing circumstantial evidence and I crave more concrete intel to base such meaningful choices on. If you’re considering leaving this relationship altogether, it seems to me you’d want to be as clear as possible about what the situation entails.

The line between protection and control is one worth returning to again and again in nonmonogamy. Curiosity is the best tactic to parse everything at play, until you see a clearer path forward emerging.

QUESTION: “So does the assertion track for you that perhaps it’s a good idea to make sure you have one ‘good” or well engaged relationship before adding multiple relationships? Does it work a bit like how one is advised to build different income streams - make sure your first one is stable and maturing well before adding others?”

There’s no single right answer here. And that’s kind of the point. Nonmonogamy is fundamentally about designing your relationships intentionally, rather than defaulting to a script. And that design process might not have a clean start.

To be clear, I completely understand the impulse to want a solid foundation before expanding. For couples opening up, for example, there are simply existing circumstances at hand. And there’s real wisdom in doing some relational housekeeping before adding complexity. When I work with couples who are transitioning out of monogamy, one of the first things I explore with them is whether they’re genuinely drawn toward nonmonogamy, or whether it’s functioning as an escape hatch from unresolved issues between them. If anything, nonmonogamy tends to amplify what’s already there. So if you’re in an established relationship and considering opening up, it’s worth taking an honest look at the health of that relationship first.

But “established and healthy” doesn’t have to be the only way in. If you already know that nonmonogamy is the relational structure that feels true to you, and you’re not currently partnered, there’s a compelling case for building with more than one partner from the ground up. When you enter dating openly from the start, the foundation of your relational life is inherently more varied. Each connection develops organically, without one relationship holding structural seniority over the others simply due to timing. You’re not retrofitting nonmonogamy onto a monogamous blueprint - you’re building something different from the start.

This approach requires its own kind of intentionality, of course. Building nonhierarchically means being honest with each person you’re dating about what’s currently on offer and what you’re still exploring. Never overpromising. It means resisting the cultural pull to escalate one relationship above the others by default. And it means staying attuned to what each relationship is actually growing into, rather than slotting it into a predetermined hierarchy.

So rather than asking whether you should establish one good relationship first, it might be more useful to ask: what kind of relational life am I actually trying to build? If you’re opening an existing partnership, tend to that foundation carefully. If you’re starting fresh, with a vision of multiple partners as opposed to a hierarchical structure, let that vision shape how you date from day one. Either path can work. What matters most is that you’re moving with clarity and honesty, rather than on autopilot.

If you’re seeking deeper support, you can learn more about my services at intimacywithlaura.com.

My Partner's Kinky Partner Feels Unsafe

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