Managing Metamours

What’s a “metamour”?

In non-monogamy terms, your metamour (sometimes referred to as a “meta”) is a person who has an intimate relationship with a partner of yours. For example, if you have a boyfriend and a husband, your boyfriend and your husband are each other’s metamours.

There are many ways people relate to their metas. Some practice “kitchen table” polyamory, where all partners behave as an interconnected group or chosen family who can sit down for a meal together. Others may practice parallel polyamory, where their intimate relationships are kept completely separate from one another. Of course, there are infinite variations meta relationships can take between those two extremes, and relational dynamics are never fixed - they can change and shift over time.

Despite what some polyamory educators may promote, there is not one way to relate to your metas that is better than the others. The most important thing is that all of your relationships are built upon consent. This means that if you have relationships with your metas, you are doing it by choice rather than coercion or force. If you are pushing yourself to have a relationship with a meta despite your discomfort as a means to make your partner happy, you are entering into a relationship with them by choice. You may be sacrificing the relationship (or lack of one) that you’d prefer to have, but you are not making the sacrifice via force. If you’re pushing yourself to have a relationship with your meta to avoid a dramatic negative response from your partner or a break up, that is not a consensual meta relationship; it’s a relationship via coercion. If you are dealing with discomfort as it relates to a metamour, the following are recommendations for how to best manage your meta relationships.

Avoiding Triangulation

Triangulation refers to the process of bringing a third party into a conflict as opposed to communicating directly with one another. I became familiar with this term as a couple’s therapist, where in clinical practice, you are supposed to see the relationship as your client as opposed to each individual as a client. This is why I have a “no secrets policy” when I work with couples and require that they copy one another on all communication with me between sessions. Without this boundary, it’s easy to be triangulated and get drawn into an unhealthy dynamic, where one partner attempts to control the narrative by discussing issues with their other partner without them present, or complaining about them to the third party, attempting to get them on “their side” and elicit empathy. Triangulation can also manifest as using a third party to communicate with the other person, rather than directly communicating with them yourself - a manifestation that is very common in polyamorous relationships.

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