If you’re staring at the ceiling at 2:45 in the morning, crying, and you can’t even explain why — nothing is wrong with you. This isn’t proof your relationship
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Kitty Chambliss with Laurel Schrock, guest on the Loving Without Boundaries podcast
If you’re staring at the ceiling at 2:45 in the morning, crying, and you can’t even explain why — nothing is wrong with you. This isn’t proof your relationship is broken. It isn’t proof you picked wrong, or that you’re bad at this, or that everyone else figured out something you never will. Sometimes the 3am spiral isn’t actually about not trusting your partner at all. Sometimes it’s about not knowing yet who YOU are.
I’ve watched this exact moment happen with client after client — the tears with no obvious trigger, the fear that swallows a person whole with no clear “why” attached to it. It happened almost word for word with my client Laurel Schrock, a network engineer who’d always identified as monogamous, dating a wonderful man who identified as polyamorous. She described it to me herself: two weeks straight of crying in his arms without knowing why, and then one night, home alone, 2:45 in the morning, unable to fall asleep, unable to stop crying, unable to understand what was happening inside her.
Here’s what I want you to hear: jealousy is not a character flaw. It’s an unlearned skill — nobody ever sat any of us down and taught us how to handle it. So when it shows up with no clear story attached, that’s not a malfunction. That’s your nervous system trying to hand you information you haven’t found the words for yet.
For Laurel, the spiral wasn’t a warning that her relationship was wrong. It turned out to be the doorway to a much bigger question she hadn’t let herself ask: was she actually monogamous at all — or had she just never had permission to find out?
You don’t need the answer at 3am. You don’t even need the right question yet. What helps is what always helps in the middle of a spiral: stop reacting to the fear long enough to get curious about it. From there — with real support and real tools — you get to find out what the feeling is actually pointing to. Sometimes it’s reassurance. Sometimes it’s a boundary that was never spoken out loud. And sometimes, like it was for Laurel, it’s an entirely new understanding of who you are.
You are not alone in this. I get you, and I’ve got you.
Laurel Schrock is a network engineer for a major communications company, an Army veteran, a Georgetown University graduate, and the owner of a candle-making side business. Laurel had always identified as monogamous — until she began dating a partner who identified as polyamorous and found herself blindsided by insecurities she didn’t have language for.
In this episode, recorded four weeks into our coaching work together, Laurel walks through what that spiral actually felt like from the inside, and the first real breakthroughs that started to clear it. Since this conversation, Laurel has continued that work — and no longer considers herself monogamous at all. In her own words: “I learned to love myself. I’m a different person today — one whom I love dearly.”
Coming up on today’s show, Laurel Schrock, a network engineer for Verizon Communications, hails from Mount Vernon, New York. She’s an Army vet, a graduate of Georgetown University, and also a small business owner, making her love for candles into what she calls a hobby that now pays for itself. Laurel’s always identified as monogamous, but a little over two years ago, she began dating an awesome guy who happened to be poly. Earlier this year, she began experiencing intense and debilitating insecurities. Although it was gradual, she was struggling and she knew she needed help. Since the recording of this podcast, partly from working with me, Laurel has had a breakthrough in discovering and embracing who she really is, and does not see herself as a monogamous person any longer.
Welcome to Loving Without Boundaries, where we hear inspiring stories, share actionable advice, and talk about the challenges and the joys of ethical non-monogamy and polyamory. I’m your host, Kitty Chambliss. Coming up after the break, my conversation with Laurel Schrock.
Welcome back to Loving Without Boundaries, where I am super, incredibly excited to be here with Laurel Schrock, who is working with me. We are doing all of the amazing things to work on being in healthy relationships, and it has been an absolute honor to be a guide on your journey. So I’m super excited to have a conversation with you here. Welcome.
Oh, thank you. I’m actually thrilled to be here. I didn’t think I would, because I’m always nervous, but I feel great.
Well, you are stepping into courage today, my friend. I’d love it if you’d share a little bit about yourself in your own words.
Okay. Well, I grew up in Mount Vernon, New York. I joined the Army at an early ish age, around 20 years old. I was in the military for eight years. Got out. I work as a network technician for a big communications company that most people know of. I also have a side business as a candle maker, and I am in a loving relationship with a polyamorous man, and I happen to identify as monogamous. So that’s pretty brief, but to the point.
No, that’s amazing. I really appreciate that. So maybe was there a moment where you just realized that you weren’t like all the other kids?
I love that you asked me that, because I had a conversation with my brother very similar the other day. He jokingly said that I’ve always tried to force myself to fit into a mold that’s just not meant for me. He’s like, when you were 20 years old, after growing up in a neighborhood where women were expected to get married, have babies, and be a housewife — what did you do? You joined the Army. So I guess at 20, I had a light bulb moment that I knew I wasn’t like everyone else I grew up with. But going on with the rest of my life, I always had difficulty with relationships. I would sometimes feel trapped.
It’s funny — I’m ever evolving throughout this entire process. I always felt trapped, and not necessarily that I want to have more than one romantic relationship, but I think being with Steve, my partner, has given me a bit of a breath of fresh air, because I know that he’s not looking to me for everything. It’s taken a lot of adjustments, but for my part, initially at least, I used to be looking to him for everything, and I’ve learned not to do that to myself anymore.
I love how you said you used to look to him for everything, and you’re already stepping into that superhero version of you by saying that. And then when you said you felt trapped, I’d love to understand that a little better.
Oh, gosh. I didn’t feel free to just be me and do what I wanted to do whenever I wanted to do it. I had maybe two very serious relationships in my adult life prior to this. The second one was close to four or five years, and it was heading toward the relationship escalator — we’ve been together this long, so now we need to think about getting engaged, then marriage, then children. Part of me always assumed that one day I was going to want to get married, and one day I would want to have children. And I kept waiting for that feeling to happen, and it wasn’t.
It just took a long time for me to finally admit to myself that’s just not what I want. There was a lot of love there, but we knew it just wasn’t going to work. I wasn’t so sure about marriage, but I was 100% certain about children — I knew I did not want to be a mom. I love kids. I just didn’t want any. Not because I was comparing myself to anyone else, I just didn’t want that for me. Very deep foresight, for at the time, 29 years old.
Well, I thank you so much for sharing that so vulnerably. It really does take a lot of courage to walk to the beat of your own drum. So maybe, say five or six weeks ago, what were some of the challenges you were having in your relationship or your emotional life? Where were you at?
Oh boy. My revelation of not looking to Steve to be my happiness is only a recent thing, and it’s not even that it was a factor throughout our entire relationship — we’ve been dating a little over two years now. It happened gradually, partly during the pandemic, and probably only within the past few months. But I wasn’t struggling with my own self-worth throughout the entire relationship, because I had difficulty understanding that he can love more than one person and still love me. It just was not getting through.
Maybe four or five weeks ago, my realization that I needed help was after two weeks in a row of crying in his arms and not knowing why. And then one night, home alone, 2:45 in the morning, I could not fall asleep, I could not turn my brain off, I could not stop crying and I couldn’t understand why. And I knew I needed help, because it was starting to affect me physically and at work. I have a very physical job for the communication company I work for, and I need to be alert for safety — for myself and my co-workers. If I go to work tired because my mind is elsewhere, and I’m not eating because I’m not getting the nutrition I need to keep myself — my brain, everything else — the way it needs to be.
That’s how badly I was completely debilitated by my emotions, and my lack of understanding of where they were coming from. That’s when — I think you got an alert at 2:46 in the morning of a scheduling request from a potential new client.
Yeah, I do remember that. My heart went out to you for everything you were suffering through, and at the same time, I was getting excited, because I knew I could help you. So even in the four and a half weeks we’ve been working together — where are you now? That’s different from what you just described.
Oh gosh, I feel different. I feel like my old self, but much more confident, in ways that didn’t exist before — which is weird. No, it’s not weird. It’s exhilarating for me, because going into this program, I thought it was all about Steve and all about my relationship with Steve. And I found out it was mostly about my relationship with myself, and it just happened to be affecting my relationship with Steve. The unfamiliarity of polyamory, really being able to grasp my mind around a lot of things, was difficult for me. The logic of it was there — I totally could grasp that. But my emotions were constantly arguing with me: no, he doesn’t really love you if he loves her, or her. I just couldn’t get it.
But I’d say, maybe within the last week, I started on modules regarding meditation, and I tried it, and it really helped me. It helped clear what I’ve been referring to as fuzziness in my head. It helped me see through this really thick fog. All I know is that it is working for me to be able to step outside and look at myself a little, as opposed to just being stuck inside this box I feel like I’m struggling to get out of. I see everything as a success now. Even if I take two steps forward and one step back, I wake up again, and it is a new day, and I keep going.
That is amazing. That is what happens when you show up committed to your own emotional health, your own happiness. I love how you went at it with a full, open heart, and look what happened — you got more clarity and more confidence. And then it gets amplified when you’re surrounded by other people who are on a similar journey and who totally get where you’re coming from.
I didn’t see this coming.
I know — which is exactly what happened. That’s a great sign you’re on the right path.
You mentioned you’re into candle making as a side business. I’d love to understand a little about how you got into that.
Well, it started out as a complete coincidence. About six years ago, my sister-in-law was turning 40, and I wanted to give her a memorable gift from the heart, so I decided to try to make her a candle. I found out I really enjoyed the process, and it became a hobby — I started making so many candles I didn’t know what to do with them anymore. Last year, my partner Steve had recommended I sell them, start a business. My constant struggle is I’m afraid of something, so I run away, only to turn around and think, well, there’s really nothing to be afraid of — why don’t I try it? So here I am — my shop is called Handmade by Laurel NY, and it’s on Etsy.
That’s amazing. And along the way, you also created a candle called Unicorn Farts, with all the proceeds going to a local LGBTQ community center called the Loft, specifically toward a scholarship fund that helps offset medical, surgical, legal, and social transition-related expenses for trans and non-binary applicants. I absolutely love that you did that.
Yeah — I really wanted to give back. This is the first time I’ve ever actually initiated and organized something myself, and the amount of accomplishment I felt, especially once I finished all the candles, I actually started crying, because I was so happy that I finished something I set out to do for myself.
That’s amazing. Well, Laurel, I am so excited to watch you blossom and grow, and I wish you so much success with your candle-making business. I’m thrilled for you, and I’m excited to continue getting to know you and see all the beautiful things that keep showing up in your life.
Thank you, Kitty. I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me and with me so far.
Thank you. It really makes my heart sing to hear that.
Thanks for tuning in to today’s show. If you like what you heard, are struggling with some aspect of your relationships, and you’re interested in seeing if you’re a fit to work with me as your relationship coach, here’s what I invite you to do next. Head over to lovingwithoutboundaries.com/apply — that’s lovingwithoutboundaries.com/apply — and book a call to speak with me. I’ll get on the phone with you for about 45 minutes, and we’ll get you crystal clear on three things. Number one, exactly what’s not working well in your relationships right now. Number two, ideally, where you’d like to be and what might be getting in the way. Number three, the exact strategy to get you there, helping to close that gap. Remember, creating healthy, open relationships does not typically happen by itself. Many often need expert guidance to make it happen. We’ve helped clients all over the world feel safe, happy, and secure in open relationships while not losing their mind or their cherished partners. To see if we can help you do the same, head over to lovingwithoutboundaries.com/apply. I’m Kitty Chambliss, and let’s talk soon.
You don’t have to white-knuckle your way through this alone. I wrote the Jealousy Survival Guide for exactly this moment — the one where the spiral doesn’t even come with a clear reason attached yet. Laurel didn’t have the answer at 2:45am either. She found it anyway. There’s a path through it for you too.
KITTY CHAMBLISS, Master Coach (ICF-Certified), CPC
Relationship Coach | Speaker | Educator | Trauma-Informed
Author of “Jealousy Survival Guide: How to feel safe, happy, and secure in an open relationship”
Original Post: Kitty
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